I can't afford to keep an adult child

[cheesyscone]

I was a single mum to one son who is now 23 and I'm disabled so have managed on my disability benefits and the child element of benefits which ended when my son got a job at 16 as did child maintenance which his dad paid but has never been present in his life.
So now the only money I have is my disability for myself.
Son has learning difficulties and so didn't do brilliantly at school but has a job, it's minimum wage and he was happy to contribute some money to me for his keep.
I asked £100pw which I thought was fair to cover his meals and towards bills and he happily paid that until he met his ex girlfriend last year who told him that was out of order and I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home and that I should be helping him out by saving towards a deposit for a house for him as her parents were and at the very least if I'm taking money off him I should be putting it aside for his future.
This all sounds very lovely if you can afford it but I can't afford to feed and keep a grown man when I barely have enough to get by myself.
He's not with this girlfriend anymore but she seems to have left him resentful towards me that I'm taking money from him and that he's unlikely to ever be able to move out as a result.

I understand that some people are in a position to help their children more but our relationship is starting to suffer because he doesn't pay unless I keep on at him and he resentfully hands it over and then I end up feeling bad because I've kept on at him and he doesn't feel he should pay.

The bottom line is times have changed and I relied on benefits and child maintenance and now I don't have that I can't afford to keep him indefinitely, I also lose £77 a month because he's working and living with me so the government expects him to contribute and take that away from me but it's catch 22 because he can't save and move out if I take money from him and I don't see way a way forward.
Also on minimum wage I don't see how he could afford to move out and support himself which may mean him living at home long term.

Have you explained this to him? That this is the reality and as he is 23 he needs to provide for himself?

Of course you aren't being unreasonable! You are only charging him a low amount for board and all bills, he's welcome to go elsewhere if he can find a better deal! You are being generous!

Yes I've talked about where his money goes and why I need him to contribute but he feels hard done by.

You are doing nothing wrong.
I say that as someone who doesn't charge their adult DC anything.
But I can afford to have principles.

You have done really well to raise a child on your own!

Show him this thread, OP. He has to be made to understand. Often writing is easier to do this than speaking.

!!!

No he's not hard done by, he needs to move out.

YANBU at all. £400 pm is an extremely good deal. He'd be paying over £1000+ if he lived alone.

Has he tried to stop paying? Make it clear to him the day he stops paying is the day he moves out.

Tell him if he resents paying yo rent, move out and find somewhere else to live.

He will learn pretty fast what a good deal he has going on!

If he feels hard done by, imagine how much harder done by he would feel if he was having to pay market rent, bills and food.

The fact that he feels hard done by is unfortunate. He pays the very reasonable amount you ask or he finds somewhere else, which will cost him more. You're not in a position to help him out or save for him.

It’s a balance every family needs to find. Really unhelpful when people in different circumstances wade in.
I have three adult DC living with me. They all pay £300. They all still have more disposable income left than me! I expect your son does too if you’re paying all bills and food.
I would ask him to set up a direct debit.

He needs to cover the additional costs that you incur because he lives with you. So any additional council tax, his own food and toiletries, the £77/month that you’re losing, the additional gas / electric / water costs.

I’d be surprised if all that came to less than £100/week

Ask him to set up a direct debit so you get paid his 'keep' money automatically each month. You wouldn't have to keep asking him then.

Agreed.

Yes I agree with the direct debit.

The reality of this situation is that he's unlikely to ever be able to afford to move out alone on minimum wage and you are already living on the breadline and without his contribution it's not going to be possible for you to support him while he saves.
Yes some parents are able to help their children onto the property ladder but we are in a cost a living crisis and that doesn't just effect the young as you're experiencing and many other parents are struggling too and one persons disability allowance is the bare minimum ONE adult needs to live on and isn't expected to support two grown ups and logically won't so he needs to pay for the extra costs you incur for him out of his wage which likewise is the bare minimum ONE adults needs to live on.

@cheesyscone
perhaps you need to speak to the council, housing department, they have easily maintained and heated studio aprtments for young single men, your son would
be a high needs assessment, you would manage better, he would probably have benefits help and you would regain £77 - a call to the CAB may help, this untenable situation cannot continue, good luck OP

I've asked him to do this but he says no because he keeps his all his money in his savings and just transfers what he needs into his current account and if he forgot to put it over he'd incur a bank charge so he just reluctantly does a bank transfer after I nag and nag for it every week.

By my reckoning, on NMW and working FT, then he’s bringing in around £1,500 per month. In that context, £400 per month for board sounds entirely reasonable.

At 23 he should be working full time he will bring home around £1,500 a month. Him giving you £433 a month means he still has £1000 to play with. His expenses are covered by you so he should be able to save at least £600 a month and still have a bit of money. He needs a reality check and I think you do too. If he isn't doing this he has no excuse or reason to blame you. It's just you are the easy person to blame. What does he think is going to happen when he moves out cuz I can tell you it's going to be a hell of a lot more than £433 a month. If he isn't working full time he should be.

Tell him to move out then OP - tell him to look for somewhere with all bills included for £400

I would be fuming he is questioning how much you need the money cheeky get!

Just read your last post, so he has savings and you are struggling this boy is taking the piss. I think it's time he moved out and has a massive reality check.

He can live in a room in shared accommodation.

Start sending him suitable rooms.

If you die what will he do?

He needs to start steering his own ship wherever that leads him is up to him.

Time to tell him that he does as you ask or moves out then. If he had to pay rent elsewhere he'd have to set up a direct debit.

£100 is far too low. You’re losing £77 a week in benefits because he lives there, so in reality you’d be feeding him and paying for the extra utilities for just £23 a week. That’s impossible! Realistically you will be going without basics like food and clothes yourself just so he can have a load of pocket money. He needs to understand that.