I can't afford to keep an adult child

[cheesyscone]

I was a single mum to one son who is now 23 and I'm disabled so have managed on my disability benefits and the child element of benefits which ended when my son got a job at 16 as did child maintenance which his dad paid but has never been present in his life.
So now the only money I have is my disability for myself.
Son has learning difficulties and so didn't do brilliantly at school but has a job, it's minimum wage and he was happy to contribute some money to me for his keep.
I asked £100pw which I thought was fair to cover his meals and towards bills and he happily paid that until he met his ex girlfriend last year who told him that was out of order and I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home and that I should be helping him out by saving towards a deposit for a house for him as her parents were and at the very least if I'm taking money off him I should be putting it aside for his future.
This all sounds very lovely if you can afford it but I can't afford to feed and keep a grown man when I barely have enough to get by myself.
He's not with this girlfriend anymore but she seems to have left him resentful towards me that I'm taking money from him and that he's unlikely to ever be able to move out as a result.

I understand that some people are in a position to help their children more but our relationship is starting to suffer because he doesn't pay unless I keep on at him and he resentfully hands it over and then I end up feeling bad because I've kept on at him and he doesn't feel he should pay.

The bottom line is times have changed and I relied on benefits and child maintenance and now I don't have that I can't afford to keep him indefinitely, I also lose £77 a month because he's working and living with me so the government expects him to contribute and take that away from me but it's catch 22 because he can't save and move out if I take money from him and I don't see way a way forward.
Also on minimum wage I don't see how he could afford to move out and support himself which may mean him living at home long term.

Single people living at home earning NMW are not entitled to UC because of a low income.

'RomanRoysSearchHistory · Today 15:00
£100 pw to cover meals and bills when he's out working seems very steep to me.

And that's coming from someone in the same circumstances. I ask for half the bills (70pm) and £20 a week for one dinner weeknights. He buys his own snacks/breakfast/lunches.'

Half your bills £70 per month? All your household bills = £140 pm?
My gas/electricity is low at £96 pm. Then there is water, council tax, insurance, food, etc etc.
I'm Gobsmacked!

He should start by making up the difference that you have lost in benefits. If this doesn't include the difference in single person council tax, he should add that in. Also water bills.

Then he needs to add in all the extras that you wouldn’t otherwise be adding to your household bills, eg, streaming services and similar.

He needs to pay a fair share towards fuel bills. Point him towards a laundrette for a week for an idea of what this might cost. Also heating, lighting, running computer, charging phones. It all mounts up.

How do you pay for food? Ideally, he should pay separately for everything he wants for a few weeks, and add the average to the total so far.

On top of that there’s the rent which would be £100 min weekly.

When mine kicked off about me charging too much rent, I went through every item in the house that they would have to provide for themselves if not living at home. I stuck it on the fridge door. It was an eye-opener for all of us.

When you say he has learning difficulties OP what do you mean?

I’m wondering if there is any help for him financially if he has a diagnosis etc…?

The bottom line is it’s irrelevant what anybody else does , you cannot afford for him to live at home without making a contribution so he either contributes or he finds somewhere else to live .

'StarOf · Today 15:21
When you say he has learning difficulties OP what do you mean?

I’m wondering if there is any help for him financially if he has a diagnosis etc…?'

But he holds down a full time job and drives?

You are generous OP- in your situation and given at the moment he has around £1100 a month to himself- I would want more like £550 - and he should still be able to save £300 a month towards moving out into a shared house if he is on his own .

Hard facts OP, but I think this is right. He's actively costing you money by living with you and needs to grow up and pay his way.

Maybe suggest he goes and lives in a flat/house share and how much that would cost him in rent, bills, food, possibly laundrette, as well as everything else and he can see that, financially, he's better off with you. I realise you will find it hard to really lay it out and take a tough stance with him, but he's not a kid and needs a dose of reality. You can no longer continue to subsidise a working adult.

BTW if he's (reluctantly) giving you £400 per month that's only c£323 after your "lost" £77/month benefit is taken into account so around £81/week. And have you taken into account your 25% council tax single occupier discount if he was no longer living with you? 🌹

Families are different and it's a relatively new thing that parents are expected to save towards their DCs deposit out of the rent they give. His ex girlfriend's family could afford to do it, you cannot but that just life.

Most people I know have had to raise a deposit whilst renting. It's being an adult.

I would raise the rent in your circumstances. You cannot be worse off with him living with you. The way he manages his money is not your problem. He pays you as soon as he's paid by direct debit. If he doesn't like it he can privately rent somewhere.

He surely must realise that your circumstances are different to that of an ex-girlfriend (who sounds a right heap of entitlement and lack of empathy). My 23 year old son lives rent free at home and he is looking for work after university and busily building up his CV with volunteering and getting his unrestricted driving license. He is in the fortunate situation that we don't need the money and don't charge him rent from his benefits. My other son also lives here rent free sometimes when he's not working on a placement. When I was your son's age though I'd left home and moved cities for work. I was lonely because I didn't know anybody and terrified by the responsibilities of my job with a hellish bunch of people but my parents couldn't have afforded to support me and I had crammed my professional qualifications into my final year so I wouldn't be a burden longer than necessary.

I wouldn't be begging for a transfer. He either sets up a direct debit or he can move out. I'd be prepared to lock him out. Also, what you're charging isn't nearly enough. He has, compared to you, a huge amount of disposable income and should still be able to save something. Who paid for the car? Who pays for the petrol? How much housework and laundry does he do. I think he needs a dose of reality because in no way can I see how you can pay for another working adult out of your sickness benefit or that anybody could reasonably expect you to do so. Him living in financial fairyland is doing neither of you any favours.

Where I live I see a single room advertised with bills like gas, electric and council tax included. Share a bathroom and kitchen. Buy all your own food and do all your own cooking and cleaning. £400-£450 pcm depending on size of room. I'd ask him if he wants to move out into a single room and pay a LL £400 pcm and do all his own food shopping, cooking and cleaning? Find some adverts and show him the true cost. See what he says.

That works for you but OP's DS likely eats all his meals at home.

caringcarer That's very cheap compared to here.
The least you will pay here is £525, which is what you can get on benefits, and that is a house you would have to be desperate to live in.
Normal house shares here are 800-1000 per month.

I saw it advertised in local newspaper a couple of days ago. It will be different in different areas of the country. OP needs to look how much it will cost in her area and show him.

my sons lodger was paying 600 a month inc bills
400 and you buy his food is a fucking bargain / pisstake

OP says her son has ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia, which meant he didn’t do well at school but he is now doing well in paid work and has a steady job (albeit minimum wage).

I don’t think the government gives any financial help to adults who have these conditions.

This is what you are going to have to do .
MOVE
to a one bedroom place .
And make him homeless.
Then he can get touch with council and see what they come up with.
Or he does the other suggestions on here

He needs to move out and get a taste of the real world.

Stop feeling bad about the money.

Don't let him, basically take the piss out if you.

Tell him to go and find somewhere to live for £100 per week , or , if you're so bad he can go and live with his dad.!! (obviously this won't happen)

I hope you're not doing his washing etc.
He needs to grow up and live in the real world.

I'm in similar circumstances. As a single parent on a low wage I rely on UC to help support my family. Each time a child leaves education I lose their part of UC so if they live with me I have no option but to ask them to contribute towards the household. My eldest daughter (23) earns more than me and gives £300 housekeeping. This leaves her plenty for savings and her own outgoings.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it that is simple. What others families do is irrelevant.
He is going to spend more if he moves out so either he agrees or he goes.

Why don't you suggest that he go and research what he could get elsewhere for £100 per week and come back to you.................he is welcome to move out but of course he won't for that money! learning experience for him on what things cost.

To be blunt, you could save any amount for a deposit, it doesn't sound like he's ever going to be in a position to take on a mortgage so it's a bit irrelevant.

As he had learning difficulties csn he apply for DLA?
It might help.

OP don't feel bad. My DS had a minimum wage job. He opened a LISA and saved the £4k and got the government top up of £1k. He also saved an additional £6 per year. He paid me £300 pcm for the first year then £325 pcm second year He was saving after electricity hikes. He suggested the increase because he knew utilities had gone up. He also treated me to a meal out each month and an occasional bunch of flowers, because he recognised he was getting a good deal living at home. If my son could be paid MW and still save £10k each year your son could do so too. Your DS sounds entitled and spoiled.

Your son is old enough to understand that different families have different situations and some of the reasons behind why that might be. He can also afford to pay you rent on a minimum wage job and still have a lot more disposable income than you have. I am in a similar situation, both my children are aware that they can't live at home without paying rent, but they understand why. My eldest moved out but my youngest isn't 18 yet. The child element of UC is nearly £400 now so you can explain to him that that is what they expect you to need for a child living at home.