I can't afford to keep an adult child

[cheesyscone]

I was a single mum to one son who is now 23 and I'm disabled so have managed on my disability benefits and the child element of benefits which ended when my son got a job at 16 as did child maintenance which his dad paid but has never been present in his life.
So now the only money I have is my disability for myself.
Son has learning difficulties and so didn't do brilliantly at school but has a job, it's minimum wage and he was happy to contribute some money to me for his keep.
I asked £100pw which I thought was fair to cover his meals and towards bills and he happily paid that until he met his ex girlfriend last year who told him that was out of order and I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home and that I should be helping him out by saving towards a deposit for a house for him as her parents were and at the very least if I'm taking money off him I should be putting it aside for his future.
This all sounds very lovely if you can afford it but I can't afford to feed and keep a grown man when I barely have enough to get by myself.
He's not with this girlfriend anymore but she seems to have left him resentful towards me that I'm taking money from him and that he's unlikely to ever be able to move out as a result.

I understand that some people are in a position to help their children more but our relationship is starting to suffer because he doesn't pay unless I keep on at him and he resentfully hands it over and then I end up feeling bad because I've kept on at him and he doesn't feel he should pay.

The bottom line is times have changed and I relied on benefits and child maintenance and now I don't have that I can't afford to keep him indefinitely, I also lose £77 a month because he's working and living with me so the government expects him to contribute and take that away from me but it's catch 22 because he can't save and move out if I take money from him and I don't see way a way forward.
Also on minimum wage I don't see how he could afford to move out and support himself which may mean him living at home long term.

of he feels resentful and hard done by, he'd obviously feel happier if he moved out.

Great response. Agree!

OP, you have done everything you can to be a wonderful mum to your DS. I wish he wasn’t giving you a hard time. He has to understand he’s an adult and the reality is that money doesn’t grow on trees. We all would love that trust fund or family wealth but it’s something out of reach for many of us.

Show him your bills. Tell him that he pays or he can go pay the bills himself and live on his own if he thinks he can manage that. Might scare him enough !
He may qualify for pip too?
Do you get the disability element of universal credit?
Just a thought x

Adhd is classed as a disability.
As is dyslexia and dyspraxia.
It's about (in pip terms ) HOW badly it affects you and not WHAT it is...

You have been very supportive of your son and of course it's reasonable he pays his way. I'd get firm with him about it. The girlfriend probably lacks life experience and how it can be for some people. She needs to mind her own business.

There is no ‘register’ for disabled people

The fact he works full time (and if he drives, socialises etc) would all be used against him in a PIP assessment to deduct points needed to qualify, it’s very very difficult to get.

Surely your response should be he either pays what you've asked, or he moves out and fends for himself. He's got a cheek and you would be doing him no favours by giving in.

I was quoting OP. The point is that it doesn't seem to me that he would be considered a priority for council housing as the poster claimed.

Op if he goes. Can yoh afford all your own expenses? As 400 will likely be covering more than the extra he is costing you?

This is what PIP is for. He clearly is disabled if he has ADHD and Learning Difficulties in the sense it is restricting what jobs he can do. He needs to apply for PIP and UC.

Now he's an adult he either needs to move out (there are charities to support this!) Or give you money for him to live there. It's shocking how bills are doubled. It may be that if he didn't live with you you'd have enough to live on.

Discuss him moving out if he doesn't want to pay his way. Look at the alternative together. House share? Here it's at least £500 for a room. Plus food. He may work out that he's doing very nicely.

ADHD can be limiting, yes. I don't think it's necessarily limiting enough to entitle one to PIP.

extract from Personal Independence Payment (PIP): What PIP is for - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

You might get the daily living part of PIP if you need help with:

• preparing food
• eating and drinking
• managing your medicines or treatments
• washing and bathing
• using the toilet
• dressing and undressing
• reading
• managing your money
• socialising and being around other people
• talking, listening and understanding

It entirely depends on how your ADHD affects your day to day living, some will struggle significantly more than others.

He has a job and passed his driving test. The OP has not mentioned him being on a performance plan for turning up to work smelly, so I think we can assume he has sufficient executive function to manage basic hygiene and feeding himself.

He earns too much for UC

Sorry bollocks. You can’t usually pay a wage etc direct into savings account

so his wage is going into current, he makes DD to you first, then transfers the balance to savings accoun

hes telling you a pile of poo as an excuse.

there is no way on earth he’ll be able to buy a house on minimum wage. My nearly 30 year sons can’t afford it on professional wages fgs - not on their own

I’d be giving him ultimatum- either he sets up DD and stops whinging and instead thanks you for your support- or he uses those savings for a rental deposit and moves out

... our relationship is starting to suffer because he doesn't pay unless I keep on at him and he resentfully hands it over and then I end up feeling bad because I've kept on at him and he doesn't feel he should pay.

This is a common (dysfunctional) strategy in close relationships of all types: do whatever you want at the expense of the other person by making it MORE uncomfortable for them to assert their needs than it is for them to just give in to you and let you have your way. If they push back, make them feel guilty via gaslighting: you owe me this. Everybody else does that. It's gaslighting, although depending on the severity of your son's limitations it may be learned by example rather than fully intentional in this specific case.

You, as you said in your OP, can't afford to pay his way even if you felt it was right to so and desperately wanted to. This is beyond your control. You know it, he knows it. Everything he does to undermine your very reasonable financial agreement - that is, everything short of routinely paying his share on time without complaining and giving you as much advanced notice as possible if he legitimately can't pay so the two of you can come up with a solution - indulges HIS comfort and preferences at the expense of YOUR basic well-being and needs. It's not OK between two adults, regardless of the parent/child relationship. He would not be able to do this with most other adults (landlord, roommate, etc) - and if he's tempted to try it on some hypothetical future girlfriend or partner, that reflects poorly on him. As someone said above, you do him no favours in indulging his selfishness. He pays or he goes.

Sometimes when a person has learning difficulties, they grasp a new idea (from an outsider like a girlfriend or boyfriend) and it's almost impossible to change that concept. The subconscious cannot reject any suggestion. He's holding tightly to the belief you are cheating him and I don't think any amount of explaining the situation will change his view. Perhaps if you can show him on paper how much it will cost him to live alone, the penny might drop. He is plainly not concerned about the situation you are in but if it is about him he might see it differently.

Expecting a 23 year old to pay for himself is not unprincipled!

How is she supposed to do that? He's a grown man who doesn't seem to think he should pay his own way!