I can't afford to keep an adult child

[cheesyscone]

I was a single mum to one son who is now 23 and I'm disabled so have managed on my disability benefits and the child element of benefits which ended when my son got a job at 16 as did child maintenance which his dad paid but has never been present in his life.
So now the only money I have is my disability for myself.
Son has learning difficulties and so didn't do brilliantly at school but has a job, it's minimum wage and he was happy to contribute some money to me for his keep.
I asked £100pw which I thought was fair to cover his meals and towards bills and he happily paid that until he met his ex girlfriend last year who told him that was out of order and I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home and that I should be helping him out by saving towards a deposit for a house for him as her parents were and at the very least if I'm taking money off him I should be putting it aside for his future.
This all sounds very lovely if you can afford it but I can't afford to feed and keep a grown man when I barely have enough to get by myself.
He's not with this girlfriend anymore but she seems to have left him resentful towards me that I'm taking money from him and that he's unlikely to ever be able to move out as a result.

I understand that some people are in a position to help their children more but our relationship is starting to suffer because he doesn't pay unless I keep on at him and he resentfully hands it over and then I end up feeling bad because I've kept on at him and he doesn't feel he should pay.

The bottom line is times have changed and I relied on benefits and child maintenance and now I don't have that I can't afford to keep him indefinitely, I also lose £77 a month because he's working and living with me so the government expects him to contribute and take that away from me but it's catch 22 because he can't save and move out if I take money from him and I don't see way a way forward.
Also on minimum wage I don't see how he could afford to move out and support himself which may mean him living at home long term.

I don’t know of any councils that have these. The homelessness problem would be much less if they did! Are you thinking of somewhere in particular?

The issue with this is, nothing is free.

If it was a partner, friend or other relative, the MN consensus would be that they have to pay their way.
So why not a 23 year old child working FT?

If he works full time even on minimum wage he should be making a good amt of money for the tiny bit you charge. He needs to examine what he wastes his money on!

This!!

Can you do an expenses spreadsheet with him to show just how far his wages would go if he was living independently? Rent, council tax, insurance, gas, electric, water, internet, phone, food, etc. It might make him realise that £100 pw isn’t a huge amount in the scheme of things.

It is perfectly right that your son pays keep. Looking at the money he gives you and what he has left over. It seems perfectly reasonable.

If your son has a learning disability. Have you explored whether he too might be eligible to some benefits also? It seems like you are supporting him more than a 23 year old without a learning disability. It might be something that could help you both?

From what you've said he's not academic, school wasn't his thing, but actually he's managing well in the adult world.

I think I would sit him down and say, 'You are now an adult and this surly resentment and 'nagging' isn't working for me. Either you set up a DD now - this evening - so that your board and lodge is covered every month without us having to argue about it, or I am giving you 8 weeks notice to find somewhere else and move out. Good luck in finding a landlord who will take you in and have to ask and ask for his money every month until you eventually cough it up! This is not how the real world works and I am doing you no favours in babying you in this way. What is it to be? DD and a bit of gratitude for the fact that you are, in effect, still being subsidised by me for your housing/bills/food costs? Or are you moving out?'

I’d tell him that he either pays for what he uses (council tax, rent, food, water etc etc etc) or move out. Ship up or ship out. He’s 23 not 12.

A rough guide for rent would be 30% of wages. So if he has 1500 that would be 450 a month just for housing. His food and toiletries would be on top of that. He might need to pay to do his laundry somewhere as well. 400 a month is an absolute bargain.

parents who are putting money away for a deposit tend to be charging their children something closer to market rent, plus board. The idea is that they get used to the amount of money they will actually have in the real world.

The girlfriend that put a bug in his ear about this got the concept right but the execution all wrong. If he wants you to save money for him, you need to start charging him close to what he would actually have to budget on his own.

he probably isn’t even covering the costs of having him in your house.

If he doesn’t want to pay you £100 per week, tell him he can find another place to live that’s less and you’ll accept the same that they would charge ie , if he can find a place that’s £50 a week you will match it. Hands downs he will realise he’s got it good at home and will stump
up

Show him the door and let him see.how far his money will stretch in the real world. I am with you, that some parents don't charge nowt. But some of us can't. Ours worked out the bills for own rental and knew couldn't do it as it's too much now a days

And in the meant time what? She goes without food or heating!

I understand your situation, but If he's only on minimum wage, £100 a week is a lot to pay. Could he shop for his own food & toiletries etc then give you something towards bills?

This is really not ok op for him to treat you like that. If he is adult enough to tell you that you are not doing right by him, then he should go in his own place.

Of course, in an ideal world, every parent would put aside for their children. But obviously, that is not a possibility for many. Don’t blame yourself. It sounds like you have done a lot and that he is ungrateful.

Everywhere, rent is due 1st day of the month. I suggest you let him know he will have to pay rent elsewhere if he doesn’t change of behavior.

good luck op,
👌🏼

He's an adult, should be paying his fair share - as near to an equal contribution as possible. I suppose this needs to be pointed out calmly and logically, otherwise it will just turn into a counter-productice argument. Could CAB point you in the direction of getting advice? I see it's not easy.

He won't be homeless on the streets, he'll be looking for a home just like anyone else. I don't see why he'd be top of the list for council housing, which is the point I was replying to.

Can you link to this please? I have a friend who graduated from Cambridge and has been successful all her life except that she has dyslexia, which is her case just means she's less good at spelling than her general intelligence would predict. I can't believe she'd be priority for a council house.

You need to give him an ultimatum pay or move out

Next time he doesn't pay don't nag, provide him with bin bags and ask who he's moving in with. When he asks what you mean, say well you're not paying here so that tells me you're moving out.

He can't have it both ways - not pay but expect to live with you is not an option. He should automatically pay to show he wants to live with you.

Mild dyslexia on its own might not make people a priority, but OP said he also has dyspraxia and ADHD. That's a shit combo to have! From what OP has written, clearly he would not be able to graduate from Cambridge like your friend. You’re disabled under the Equality Act 2010 if you have a physical or mental impairment that has a ‘substantial’ and ‘long-term’ negative effect on your ability to do normal daily activities.

https://www.gov.uk/definition-of-disability-under-equality-act-2010

OP really, really needs all the support she can get. It sounds like he wouldn't be able to advocate for himself to get the support he needs.

OP said he's not registered disabled though. It sounds like he was just not academic at all.
I'm really surprised about your claims on dyslexia and dyspraxia. Although never diagnosed, I suspect I have dyspraxia and I can't see me being considered disabled for benefits/work purpose.
I do know someone with ADHD (and other conditions) who is excused from working so on long term sickness benefits, but he's still not considered disabled.

He would be likely to be classed as disabled for the purposes of the Equality Act.

”Registered disabled” isn’t a thing any more, other than for a couple of specific disabilities.

I’d be surprised if dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD made someone a priority for housing. I have all of those plus autism and have never been a priority for anything!

I suspect there is a bit of talking at cross-purposes concerning "learning disabilities". There is accommodation out there that is reserved for people with learning disabilities and/or mental impairments that impair their ability to carry out daily activities, but nothing in this thread suggests that the OP's son is on that scale of need.

I entirely agree that the combination of dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD limits people's ability to achieve academically, and their career potential. But to be absolutely direct about it, is this combination limiting his ability to remember to wash his hands after he's had a bowel movement? Does he understand the value of money? Can he make a cup of tea without burning himself? Can he make a simple meal? Can he go out on his own without needing someone to supervise him crossing roads?

This is a young man who didn't wildly succeed at school, but he can read and write, he has a job and he has a driving licence. Services are sadly limited for people who cannot and will never be able to do any of those things.

Can I just add one of DD’s friends was promised a lump sum by her parents if she gave them x amount each week, went to uni etc.

when the agreed date arrived, there was no lump sum… and last I heard, she was still at home trying to get some savings together to move out. Her DM was still organising insurances, her mobile telephone plan and the like that was attached to their policies.

don’t allow your son to get too caught up in what other people say is going on.

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has all been said.

Is the £77 deduction in benefits something separate from council tax? Because if he wasn't there you would save 25% on council tax so he needs to cover that as well.

But YADNBU - he needs to pay and I don't think he is covering his costs from what has been said on here. Add up the £77, the 25% council tax if that is separate, the electric/gas and food and set it down in front of him. Of course if you were loaded you might want to help him out - but that's not the case!

I also hope he does his fair share of cooking, cleaning and washing etc?

Lastly - please everyone stop talking about direct debits. If he sets up a payment from his bank that will be a standing order - it's a different thing where he has to proactively ask the bank to make a payment. A direct debit gives a company permission to take money from your account - but they need to be an authorised user not just your Mum!