I can't afford to keep an adult child

[cheesyscone]

I was a single mum to one son who is now 23 and I'm disabled so have managed on my disability benefits and the child element of benefits which ended when my son got a job at 16 as did child maintenance which his dad paid but has never been present in his life.
So now the only money I have is my disability for myself.
Son has learning difficulties and so didn't do brilliantly at school but has a job, it's minimum wage and he was happy to contribute some money to me for his keep.
I asked £100pw which I thought was fair to cover his meals and towards bills and he happily paid that until he met his ex girlfriend last year who told him that was out of order and I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home and that I should be helping him out by saving towards a deposit for a house for him as her parents were and at the very least if I'm taking money off him I should be putting it aside for his future.
This all sounds very lovely if you can afford it but I can't afford to feed and keep a grown man when I barely have enough to get by myself.
He's not with this girlfriend anymore but she seems to have left him resentful towards me that I'm taking money from him and that he's unlikely to ever be able to move out as a result.

I understand that some people are in a position to help their children more but our relationship is starting to suffer because he doesn't pay unless I keep on at him and he resentfully hands it over and then I end up feeling bad because I've kept on at him and he doesn't feel he should pay.

The bottom line is times have changed and I relied on benefits and child maintenance and now I don't have that I can't afford to keep him indefinitely, I also lose £77 a month because he's working and living with me so the government expects him to contribute and take that away from me but it's catch 22 because he can't save and move out if I take money from him and I don't see way a way forward.
Also on minimum wage I don't see how he could afford to move out and support himself which may mean him living at home long term.

No, she’s losing £77 per month, not per week,

DLA doesn't exist for people over 16 any more

Where did his girlfriend get the impression that it was ‘his own home’? Did he tell her he owned it?

PIP does exist. But if he can hold down a job and drive he is less likely to be eligible.

I think you need to price up what you pay for and show him so he knows what he'll be expected to pay if he has to move out - put it there in black and white for him. If he still can't see that £100 a week is nothing then unfortunately I think I'd be telling him to go and find a place to live for £100 a week. It won't happen.

Explain he has two options, pay you £100pw (on time every week) or he can move out to a house share and you will get a lodger. Offer him 2 weeks to think about it and do the sums!

give him a couple of options:

1. Move out
2. Pay the agreed sum by bank transfers every week/month for as long as he lives there. Put it up by £5 PW until you ahve an agreement in place.

Go over the figures with him if you need to. You should no longer be paying his way. Go over figures one, be factual, don;t argue. Don't forget to facto in the council tax

Sit him down and ask him to write up what it would cost to live in a flat share and bills. Say he has one month to contribute or will have to move out as you can’t afford it.

He is a working adult then he contributes. He needs to contribute £100 a week or moves out.

Where is this council with an ample supply of easily maintained and heated studio apartments for young single men?

Sounds great, but not remotely like any council I'm aware of in real life.

'I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home'

does he own the house? because if not and hes not renting it either then its not 'his own' home.

I have lived in this house almost my entire adult life (since 22 years old, now middle aged) and raised my kids here, I have lived here longer than anywhere else in my life... but imagine if I told my landlord he shouldn't charge me rent to live in my own 'home'.

You may have missed the part where OH said her benefits are reduced by £77 because he’s living there. That means OP is living £308 per month BELOW the legal amount needed to keep a disabled person. That is extreme poverty. So his £100 per week is actually only £23 per week for food and bills.

Sounds fine in theory - but he's costing her more money than she has to spare. OP has her disability benefit to live on, full stop. That isn't exactly a massive amount of money, certainly not enough to pay the costs of two people's energy, food, water etc. Add to that there's the assumption made that he will be contributing so she's lost £77 a month because of that, then add in say around £50 or so council tax due to not getting the single person's discount every month...

Nobody living on a reduced single persons disability benefit and nothing else can support 2 people, however much she may want to.

There are 2 adults living there. In theory everything should be split in half……

Even if one has much less income?

I work in a sector that works with people who have fallen into debt. Sometimes I've had this conversation with their adult children myself. I would suggest listing monthly household bills. Rent (if it's not covered by benefit), council tax, water, gas, electric, internet, tv licence. Show him the list and the total. As you are two adults living in the house, you are responsible for half each (presuming there is just the two of you). Then Ask him how he would like to pay for food on top of that. Would he like to sort himself out or would he like to take turns to pay or just pay you a set amount for you to deal with everything.

I would suggest getting some figures together first. How much income and outgoings you would have if you lived on your own, and a separate list of current income and outgoings. Exclude food.

At the VERY LEAST he needs to bring you back up to where you would be. This is what he is COSTING you to live with you.

Then I would be telling him he can buy his own food and personal items going forward, unless he wants to make a sensible additional contribution to you to cover these costs.

It is hard, I have an adult son with autism and he will probably be with us for many years, but he is working and does contribute £100 a week (he gets paid weekly) towards food and bills plus another £25 a week towards "stuff" - he will often ask me to buy things when I am out, so rather than keep adding it all up we compromised on £25. Sometimes I gain, sometimes I lose.

He understands that things cost money and that we are not a bottomless money pit.

And if he was living "in his own home" he would be 100% responsible for bills, so he needs to rethink that comment.

OP, of you're receiving PIP disability benefit, then you shouldn't be having non-dependent deductions applied to your housing benefit/UC housing element.

But could you afford to live if he left, and you no longer received the £400 per month? Are you dependent on that money anyway?

OP, I think you are doing exactly the right thing by charging him what you are. It's a realistic amount for board and lodgings for the month and without a doubt less than it would cost him even for a room in shared house (without meals) where we are.

My youngest son is 22 and earning about the same as yours. I charge him a little less in board than you are charging but, and it's a big but, I can afford to do that. If I couldn't, I would have no hesitation in charging him the same as you. The reason I charge him at all is that I think it's a really good lesson in life about what things cost. As it is he frequently offers to buy an occasional takeaway or does a small top up shop at his expense if we need it as he knows he is onto a good thing.

I would also add that he is saving around £800 per month split between a LISA and a high interest savings account towards a house deposit so your son should still be able to save around £600 a month if he is prioritising owning his own place at some point.

You are a great mum OP, providing for your DS when his father has clearly let him down. Have confidence in your choices, you are doing a great job.

Err, halfway through the thread but had to pull you up on the "inflated view" of costs outside London.

I'm on the South coast in a one bed flat a bit out of town centre and my rent is 850.00 and bills on top are around 150.00. That's cheap in these parts. In town, two bed tiny flats are 1000.00 a month and upwards. Things may be better in some areas but anything South is still eye wateringly expensive and getting moreso. Even a room in a shared house is 650.00 and upwards. I know. I looked.

Anyway, OP YANBU in the least.

Would he be in a position to apply for PIP, OP?

I'm in the same situation. Disability benefits with full housing benefits and I'm losing 2 lots to 'non dependants' who are struggling to find/hold work (through no guilt of their own. They're both very anxious young men)

I'm entitled to full housing benefits but am paying more than half of it now because my sons can't afford to move out but I'm getting heavily penalised for them being here.

He needs to set up a DD for £500pm or he can find somewhere else to live op.
He is taking the piss by feeling hard done by for paying such a measly amount to live in YOUR home.
You are on a very low income and you are still subsidising your adult son and he is complaining!

He can do the above or go with his crap attitude and find his father, see if he will let him live under his roof for free.