I can't afford to keep an adult child

[cheesyscone]

I was a single mum to one son who is now 23 and I'm disabled so have managed on my disability benefits and the child element of benefits which ended when my son got a job at 16 as did child maintenance which his dad paid but has never been present in his life.
So now the only money I have is my disability for myself.
Son has learning difficulties and so didn't do brilliantly at school but has a job, it's minimum wage and he was happy to contribute some money to me for his keep.
I asked £100pw which I thought was fair to cover his meals and towards bills and he happily paid that until he met his ex girlfriend last year who told him that was out of order and I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home and that I should be helping him out by saving towards a deposit for a house for him as her parents were and at the very least if I'm taking money off him I should be putting it aside for his future.
This all sounds very lovely if you can afford it but I can't afford to feed and keep a grown man when I barely have enough to get by myself.
He's not with this girlfriend anymore but she seems to have left him resentful towards me that I'm taking money from him and that he's unlikely to ever be able to move out as a result.

I understand that some people are in a position to help their children more but our relationship is starting to suffer because he doesn't pay unless I keep on at him and he resentfully hands it over and then I end up feeling bad because I've kept on at him and he doesn't feel he should pay.

The bottom line is times have changed and I relied on benefits and child maintenance and now I don't have that I can't afford to keep him indefinitely, I also lose £77 a month because he's working and living with me so the government expects him to contribute and take that away from me but it's catch 22 because he can't save and move out if I take money from him and I don't see way a way forward.
Also on minimum wage I don't see how he could afford to move out and support himself which may mean him living at home long term.

I don't feel it's unreasonable to ask your working adult child to contribute financially too the household he's living in.

If he was living on his own he would certainly realise how expensive it is just for the basics for living.

Yes people will come on and have a view that children should never pay rent or board and keep as we used to call it.. but everyone's circumstances are different.

I am sending hugs because it sounds difficult for you x

He can set up a direct debit from savings

And start charging him interest for late payment too.

I would sit down with him and show him your outgoings. Not just a "things are expensive" but a "my council tax is X", "electricity is y" "the food budget is Z" so he knows if he moves out what he will be responsible for. I'm amazed he doesn't realise what a good gig he had.

I was in the fortunate position of being able to save when I lived at home but I was at University (or in my gap year saving for University). If he's in a FT job then sorry kiddo, time to start adulting.

Also to add that even though I'll be in a position to help my two when the time comes, I'll still expect them to pay their way.

No interest in raising a further snowflake generation here.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable if you can’t afford to live yourself! It’s a privilege to be able to let your children live at home rent free forever, and feed and host them and friends etc.

I think you need to give him a sharp reality check in being an adult. Make him sit down with you and go through each and every bill. Then go through the equivalent if he were to live in a shared house or room in a HMO.

You say he has a LD. To what extent does this affect his understanding of life in general?

It sounds like you pussyfoot around him and he has become a little entitled sadly. As others have said FT NMW is £1500 a month. More than enough to house share with others if you are in a cheaper part of the country. I'm afraid I'd be saying the money has to be in your account on a specific day each month. If it isn't then he gets one warning and then served 'notice' to move out. As he has savings he is completely out of order and must surely have enough to put a deposit down for a room share. He is resentful of having to use his money to live like an adult but yet is happy to watch you struggle to pay the bills whilst living with a disability....

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/student-and-graduate-money/paying-your-own-way

If he qualifies for any disability payment, help him apply and claim for it, but if he’s in full time employment, this prob won’t apply.

You are being perfectly reasonable. If he is resentful, task him with finding somewhere to live for £400 pm, all in - bills, food, rent. If he can find somewhere, great! He can move out and be independent. If he can't, then he can thank his fabulous mum for keeping a roof over his head.

You can still get pip and work full time

If he's being like this, then I'd be telling him it's time to move out and stand on his own 2 feet. You certainly shouldn't be having to ask him repeatedly for the rent money each month before he coughs up.

OP has principles. One of them being that she shouldn’t be a martyr and starve herself to keep someone who is able to work.

OP, it may help him to u deter and if you actually write down the costs of everything against money coming in.

It's all very well advising the OP to give him an ultimatum to move out but what if he refuses? The next stage could be just awful. Having calm conversations with him obviously isn't working. My full sympathies to you OP and hope this can be resolved in the near future.

So you've brought him into the world with no way of supporting him accept benefits and now they've stopped you need to turf him out.
His father has abandoned him and he has learning disabilities and can only earn NMW.
Poor lad, I'm not blaming you op but these circumstances all add up to a pretty bleak outlook for a young man with additional needs.

Show him whatbhe would be paying if he wasnt living at home - find a local room to rent so it is realistic to him. Base the rest off your own bills, and show him these too. Then work out what he's have left, if anything, af the end of the month.
Then show him what it would cost him to stay at home while paying you at least 100p/w. He can still save quite a lot per month assuming he doesnt have much else to pay for.
Get firm - he's a grown up and needs to start acting as one!

You can both apply for PIP
It is not means tested
You can work & claim PIP
Your son should be paying to stay with you or move out
https://www.gov.uk/pip

There may be charities and organisations that could support him if he has learning disabilities. Perhaps they can help with applying to housing associations, benefit assistance and life skills?

How do you know the OP brought him into the world on benefits.?

Even if she did that is not a crime

He isn't registered disabled he has learning difficulties.
Medicated ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia.
He was just very behind at school and had no interest in learning so went to a SEN school but he didn't pass any GCSE's.
I only mentioned this to explain why he worked minimum wage and had a minimal education.

He's perfectly capable, he drives works and although lives at home through financial circumstances he lives perfectly independently.

Do you think before you post ? How cruel. Do you not think she already feels bad enough ? Seriously.

I didn't really want to put too much emphasis on his learning difficulties because I (and he) firmly believe he just wasn't suited to a school environment and since leaving school had really excelled in other areas where academics just wasn't his strong point.

Time to get tough. His options:

£400 pm as a standing order into your account.

£500pm if ad hoc payment that you have to nag him for.

You are right, I framed this poorly as I was posting in a rush on a bus. Sorry OP.

What I meant was that those of us who have partners and are not disabled can afford to not charge rent. But you can't, so you shouldn't feel bad.

On £1500 a month why can he not afford to give you £400 and save for his future? Sorry but this sounds like an excuse for not wanting to pay you any money. For example he could save £600 and spend £500 and give you £400. If he wants to buy in future he should use a LISA to get a top up from govt. £500 to spend on whatever you want a month after all essentials have been paid for is a luxury most people don’t have.

Anyone on £1500 a month would struggle to live in their own property on their own which is why most young people don’t! There are
options though including living in a larger shared property, sharing with a partner or friends or sharing with a housemate you find online etc! All depends on area and budget.

Again the ability to buy a property depends on area, budget, if buying alone etc. Lots of new build houses offer deposits paid and low interest mortgages, it’s not always impossible.

Sorry to say this but the transfer to savings/bank charge blah blah thing sounds like the worse excuse ever and it doesn’t even make sense. On pay day he can have a standing order set up for a transfer to savings and a transfer to you and whatever other transfers he likes! It takes 2 mins on pay day to check it’s all gone though properly on an online banking app to avoid any charges!

At 23 and working full time it’s time he started
taking responsibility for sensible budgeting, finance admin, managing his spending, saving for his future and living in the real world. Like you said he is capable. Your not kicking him out at the end of the day you’re allowing him to live there at what is probably a significant discount to the market rate and price of utilities/food etc!

Do you have any spare rooms you could rent out to a lodger or perhaps you could consider if your son does eventually move out.

Suggest if he wants more money, more things in life. He does what the rest of us have done;

He works more than one job
He trains on the job or at college/uni for a better paid job
He starts his own business

Does he pay into a work place pension ?
Because some employers pay free contributions into pensions eg if he pays 3%, the employer will pay 3% or more for free. The company will have set their own %. The pension may also provide free life insurance too.

Sit him down and calmly factually walk him through your income and outgoings, the money have lost because he is there, and what he actually costs you - food, elec, water, council tax etc. If at the end of this he has not changed his attitude tell him that he needs to find himself a flat share to live in, as he is not happy and there is nothing you can do about it sadly.