I can't afford to keep an adult child

[cheesyscone]

I was a single mum to one son who is now 23 and I'm disabled so have managed on my disability benefits and the child element of benefits which ended when my son got a job at 16 as did child maintenance which his dad paid but has never been present in his life.
So now the only money I have is my disability for myself.
Son has learning difficulties and so didn't do brilliantly at school but has a job, it's minimum wage and he was happy to contribute some money to me for his keep.
I asked £100pw which I thought was fair to cover his meals and towards bills and he happily paid that until he met his ex girlfriend last year who told him that was out of order and I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home and that I should be helping him out by saving towards a deposit for a house for him as her parents were and at the very least if I'm taking money off him I should be putting it aside for his future.
This all sounds very lovely if you can afford it but I can't afford to feed and keep a grown man when I barely have enough to get by myself.
He's not with this girlfriend anymore but she seems to have left him resentful towards me that I'm taking money from him and that he's unlikely to ever be able to move out as a result.

I understand that some people are in a position to help their children more but our relationship is starting to suffer because he doesn't pay unless I keep on at him and he resentfully hands it over and then I end up feeling bad because I've kept on at him and he doesn't feel he should pay.

The bottom line is times have changed and I relied on benefits and child maintenance and now I don't have that I can't afford to keep him indefinitely, I also lose £77 a month because he's working and living with me so the government expects him to contribute and take that away from me but it's catch 22 because he can't save and move out if I take money from him and I don't see way a way forward.
Also on minimum wage I don't see how he could afford to move out and support himself which may mean him living at home long term.

@Anonym00se As has already been pointed out, it's £77 per month, not per week.

If you receive the daily living / care component of PIP you're exempt from the deductions

You sound very reasonable. Really, to fully cover his expenses, he should probably pay more.

Also, he does have choices. Even on minimum wage, with low living costs and no dependents he is in a good position to save several hundred pounds a month. Alternatively (and assuming you are not living in e.g. central London), he could afford to move out and rent a room in a shared house. He is young and presumably physically well, and if he really wanted to, he could take on extra shifts or get a second job to boost his income. The bottom line is that he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself.

@TigerRag Getting PIP is not easy. A man with learning disabilities who can drive and hold down a job is unlikely to be eligible.

He sounds perfectly capable. He can find a second job or work more hours like other adults do when they need to pay for bills.

I've applied but it takes a long time

possibly not, but your lack of knowledge does not mean these places do not exist
this is not a fully functioning young man so he would be assessed
I never said there was an ‘ample supply’ you made that bit up
if the OP gives him notice to leave he will be classed as homeless
what is it to you

completely different needs, completely different scale
disabled require gf adapted
family with children require 2+ bedroom houses
elderly are well catered for in sheltered housing

you didn’t think this through Gwen in your haste to shoot me down

I'm not sure I agree with that, at least not in every case. If it's a 4 bedroom house, for example, the young person should be paying as a lodger in one room, not half the big house.

thumbs up to those enlightened posters hitting the ‘thanks’ button who clearly not only read digested and understood the OP posts, but also between the lines…

Op said he's not registered disabled so he's a young, single man.

who will be ‘homeless’ when OP gives him notice to leave
so, he can go down the route of MH difficulties and throw
himself at the council
or he can do what most 23yo have to do, ie find his own
accommodation,
move in with the gobby girlfriend, houseshare, whatever,
liberating the OP and reducing her load, mentally, physically,
fiscally ; we are here to support her decision

Apologies, I misread it. Thanks.

Go on www.spareroom.co.uk and show him some rooms in your area and what they cost/include. Then tell him he either has to pay his way by standing order so you don't have to keep badgering him, or he's got to move out so you get your benefits back. His choice.

Even if he could afford to move out, does he think a landlord will allow him to reluctantly pay after reminding him for a week? And council tax? Utilities? TV?

He needs a dose of reality

I would not nag him for the money anymore. You need to set a date by which the money needs to be paid and if it isn't he has to leave. He needs some tough love or a wake up call.

He won't ever be able to afford a house on minimum wage, he needs to get that delusional thought out his head and keep paying you £100per week. He's a grown man and you're disabled, seriously wtf

Perhaps you should just take him through the bills and show him what a 50:50 split would be?

OP if he moved out would you struggle financially too?

@cheesyscone I sense you are reluctant to ask him to move out?

You could give him lots of chores to do to work for his keep. He has to cook all meals, do the grocery shopping, do all house repairs and cleaning - that might work well for you too, depending on the nature of your disability.

Not RTFT so apologies if I am repeating what someone else has said.

If you claim PIP you shouldn't have the non dependent deduction to your benefits for another adult living with you.

does he do grocery shopping with you? If not, maybe he needs to be sent in with your list half the month so he can see the real cost of putting food on the table.

Same with the power bill. Let him pay it each month.

Get him involved rather than just transferring money to your account. He needs to learn this for the day when you are no longer around.

OP, what do you mean by 'registered disabled'? If he has been diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia, he is disabled. Learning disabilities are disabilities. Please check if there are local or disability-specific organisations that can help you and him out, you could start with Citizens' Advice.

@SOxon There are flats where I live where the council house mainly single homeless men, but there are some women there too. It is full of people who have come out of prison or mental health hospitals. It is not a nice place to live. Residents close by complain they can not walk by as people throw rubbish from the windows including faeces and urine.

Rather than a discussion of electricity costs this, food costs that etc, it would be better to make a full list of outgoings on paper and sit down with him and show him that he needs to contribute or you cannot afford food.

The non-dependant doesn't need to get getting PIP, only the person with the tenancy.

If OP is getting PIP disability benefit, she won't have any deductions for non-dependants living with her.

In reality she could still be by accident, happens regularly, so she needs to contact housing benefit office/universal credit to let them know.