I can't afford to keep an adult child

[cheesyscone]

I was a single mum to one son who is now 23 and I'm disabled so have managed on my disability benefits and the child element of benefits which ended when my son got a job at 16 as did child maintenance which his dad paid but has never been present in his life.
So now the only money I have is my disability for myself.
Son has learning difficulties and so didn't do brilliantly at school but has a job, it's minimum wage and he was happy to contribute some money to me for his keep.
I asked £100pw which I thought was fair to cover his meals and towards bills and he happily paid that until he met his ex girlfriend last year who told him that was out of order and I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home and that I should be helping him out by saving towards a deposit for a house for him as her parents were and at the very least if I'm taking money off him I should be putting it aside for his future.
This all sounds very lovely if you can afford it but I can't afford to feed and keep a grown man when I barely have enough to get by myself.
He's not with this girlfriend anymore but she seems to have left him resentful towards me that I'm taking money from him and that he's unlikely to ever be able to move out as a result.

I understand that some people are in a position to help their children more but our relationship is starting to suffer because he doesn't pay unless I keep on at him and he resentfully hands it over and then I end up feeling bad because I've kept on at him and he doesn't feel he should pay.

The bottom line is times have changed and I relied on benefits and child maintenance and now I don't have that I can't afford to keep him indefinitely, I also lose £77 a month because he's working and living with me so the government expects him to contribute and take that away from me but it's catch 22 because he can't save and move out if I take money from him and I don't see way a way forward.
Also on minimum wage I don't see how he could afford to move out and support himself which may mean him living at home long term.

What irks me about these posts is that the ADULTS living off their parents are always in a much better financial position than their parents.

I worked with a lass who earned 34K (back in 2013), She paid her Mum £200 a month, yes a month. She was still living at home in her 40s with her mum working in Iceland for extra money in the evenings.

Shameful.

Would be living at home long term?

So he can't even afford a room in a house share? Is he expecting to go from living at home straight to his own place with a mortgage? Life doesn't work like that son!

@maddiemookins yes that is absolutely shameful.

My ds19 earns 1200 a month working about 25 hours a week on more or less NMW, while studying for a uni access course. He pays 300 a month for housing, food and upkeep. I gave him a month free in lieu of a birthday present but that's my only concession, it's my job to teach him the real world and I expect him to contribute.

I don't care if he lives at home till he's 40, as long as he shows respect and pays his way.

With the rest, he sometimes buys techy stuff but otherwise saves, and has sensibly put the rest in an ISA.

Definitely show your ds this thread, op. If nothing else he must know the pain of council tax.

If he is on NMW, then his net pay is likely about £20.5k if he’s paying £100pw to you then he still has about £14.5k pa for all his other costs. You are hardly bankrupting him.

He needs take responsibility for his own financial destiny.

Do you get pip
if you do I’m pretty sure your sons dosent have to pay towards your rent

dwp /uC won’t tell you this
you have to let them know

Has your son explored universal credits etc, if he is on a very low income? I’d speak to citizen’s advice and see if you, as a household, aren’t entitled to other benefits?

As a mother you need to help your son become independent. The fastest route to that is not to charge him anything, so he can save up so he can eventually afford his own home. If you keep charging him, that will never happen. You both lose in the long run!

Yes he needs to pay but I also think you need to support him into a career where he can live alone etc

Would a family friend help explain to him.
I’d reframe it in your mind you are doing him a favour long term by encouraging him to factor living costs into his life.
I drive past a rent a room house today board outside was £395 for room and bills no food. Could you show him price of rooms?

No more washing for him, internet or snacks etc

If he wants to live independently then he can. He either sets up a direct payment or he can pay for his own food, internet and do all his own washing etc

Tell him to pay his fair share or move out. No arguments.

If he refuses to leave I'd lock him out.

I don’t know. If he moved out he’d have to pay rent + all of his living expenses, but like you he would be able to claim universal credit + the disability element and possibly PIP as well to help with or cover those costs. I think he should move out and apply for a council house

I am disabled and when I lived at home I had to contribute with my disability money and use the rest for expenses .
When I left home I was able to claim for the full cost of my rent, + universal credit, and the LCWRA component of universal credit, I also have PIP. It was cheaper to leave home and if your son is also disabled he should too

You have an adult of working age in your home. He is 23, not 16. He is not a student that you have agreed to support through uni.
He earns an adult's wage.
He needs to be paying half of every bill , except perhaps mortgage if you have one.
Paying 'keep' is for teenagers and students, not grown adults.

Tell him he can always go a rent a place of his own.

Life is not cheap, gas, electric etc all add up. You are not in a position to support him financially and therefore it’s shocking that he thinks your quality of life should suffer so that his can improve!

He really does not appreciate all the costs involved.

You need to sit him down and start by showing him the £77 extra it costs just to have him under your roof. Then add his food, then utilities

He sounds entitled! Tell him you would if you could but you can’t do you won’t and at least if he goes you’ll be £77 better off!

My son has paid since he started full time employment. His live in GF pays a small amount too as electric isn't free and they use it to cook as well as water on a meter. Seems a fair ask. If he says no then he's welcome to try and find a way to pay less somewhere else...😁

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas

erm no he can do all his own washing etc AND pay rent to op

£100 pw to cover meals and bills when he's out working seems very steep to me.

And that's coming from someone in the same circumstances. I ask for half the bills (70pm) and £20 a week for one dinner weeknights. He buys his own snacks/breakfast/lunches.

He has to confront the reality of the situation here; he is a working adult who has to pay to support himself, and this is the best deal he is going to get. In an ideal world you'd have plenty of money to support you both and wouldn't charge him anything, but you don't have that money and therefore he has to contribute. It's not optional, it is compulsory. He takes it seriously and commits to paying his share by setting up a direct debit to you, or he can move out.

Wanting to save is great, but buying a house shouldn't even be on his radar yet; how is he going to buy a house if he earns minimum wage and cannot afford to pay rent? What kind of mortgage does he think he is going to get? His focus needs to be on how he is going to increase his earnings while paying you what you ask for, which is a very reasonable amount.

Why would he be any more high needs than any other single person on minimum wage? Surely, he'd be at the back of the queue behind all the people with children, the disabled and elderly.

Write down his share of the costs...
That's 1/2 council tax, gas & electric, food, water, rent, ...
Also look up to options of renting a room or flat/ house, again compare figures. Rent full pay, broadband full pay, water full pay ... he might pay less council tax and gas & electric and food...

Then ask him what he'd prefer paying:
His fair share, move out or the very generous £100 pw. Had to do similar with DD, she's not said anything since.

Many of us were living on our own at 23 buying our food, paying rent, council tax, electricity, gas, water bills etc.
If I'd been living at home and working I would absolutely have been paying money to my parents.

You don't know how much the daughter being there cost the mother back in 2013. In some cases, an extra adult in the house doesn't cost much. Mortgage might have been paid off so would be the daughter's share of bills, possibly minus the fixed costs that would be there anyway and her share of the council tax. She may have bought her own food.

MNers also often have an inflated view of how much it costs to live alone, the person who said 1k a month for rent and bills, that is not right outside of London.

You have no clue what the OP's previous circumstances were. Making assumptions is foolish.

What a nasty reply.

OP has brought him up.
He's now 23, time to stand on his own two feet.