To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

Which is of course your right. But you can’t insist on inviting yourself as the solution if you set that condition. Your child potentially misses out on attending. You get to set a boundary but that is for your own behaviour - setting a boundary doesn’t mean telling other people how they have to behave.

Plus going to the home of a child that your child attends school with is not exactly a stranger. Horses for courses.

The other parents may not have asked but may be expecting it. At age 6 that would be normal. Do they know how many kids are invited? I'd leave my dd if it was maybe up to 6 children but if I knew it was 15 6 year olds with only one adult I would not be comfortable leaving my child. I work with kids and at that age experienced qualified childcare professionals can't have more than 6 per adult in a home environment.

Why start the thread if you are so adamant you are right and have no intention of changing your response?

And to say you don't care about any SEN or disability the child could just not come? What a horrible person you are

At 6 years old I would assume that I'd be staying. You may have to clarify the position with other guests who haven't asked but have also assumed.

Drop offs. Didn't start her (albeit UK not NZ) until about age 8.

Not sure of the relevance of your job aside from adding an air of superiority to the whole affair...

I totally understand where you’re coming from and think you’ve handled it perfectly fine - as her response shows.

I’d have had no problem dropping any of mine off at a house party or public venue with someone they knew. Always saw it as an opportunity for some time on my own or to do something with my other children. Quite often parents of the invited children would share the drop off/ collection so may not even be directly involved at all 😱

As for having help - not everyone needs it and sometimes (often in my experience) the help is minimal and my time ‘hosting’ is greater. But, apparently, independence is not something to aspire towards anymore…

That sounds like a dream party to me, drop my child off and run. No making conversation with other mums, no sorting out any disagreements, no feeling like I should help clean up.
For my DDs 10th birthday I had 12 girls for a sleep over, the mums said I was mad but they were brilliant.

Trust me no one is assuming this! I dropped DD to a party on Saturday with most of the same girls (also turning 6) and there was only mum and dad there. I was there no more than 10 minutes and 2 other parents dropped and ran in that time.

I wouldn't find this weird at all. Loads of kids at that are worried about drop & go, especially if it's in an unfamiliar home with an adult they barely know.

15 6 years olds and only you will be mayhem and if if it was my DC yep I'd probably want to stay with a nervous child too, to ensure they don't end up crying in a corner.

The fact that you don't actually have a plan nailed down yet would worry me that you were winging it a bit, which doesn't work with that many young kids.

Is your friend that can help another school that some/all the DC will know? Do you know many of the DC & their parents well?

I also think her messages were fine, although tbh i’m not 100% sure what she meant about the ‘plan’. This may mean there wasn’t enough info on your invite?

Here in the UK, my personal experience is that at age 6, parents do and are expected to stay at parties.

Why are you attributing weirdness and rudeness to Jemima’s mum when she was simply being friendly and asking for details. All children (even yours) are uniquely different and have different needs even if they don’t appear as special needs to other mums who don’t know them very well. But as you have stated, you don’t care about that! It isn’t respectful not to care about that, - even if you are a senior lawyer and able to handle 15 excitable six year olds for 3 hours single-handedly in your home.

I am wondering if you feel a little bit defensive because the party is at your home and not at a venue because you left it too late to book one ?

Your OP indicates that you and your DD wouldn’t care too much really if Jemima couldn't come. Furthermore there’s a sense about it that you think Jemima’s mum should already know that, should show more appreciation for the invite somehow and not dare bother you with a friendly approach to ask for details.

OP, your attitude to Jemima’s mum looking for reassurance is unreasonable.

I don’t think you were rude in your texts but so wasn’t she. Fuming at her texts and the fact she hasn’t immediately responded and calling her all sorts of names like “rude weirdo” here IS weird from your side. Overall you are strangely aggressive towards her. Do you just have a short fuse or there is something else going on?

Well, glad it seems to be sorted but I find you weirdly defensive to her request to stay. My son was quite hyperactive at that age and I always presumed parents would be glad of me staying to rein him in. My intention wasnt to helicopter, it was to make things more manageable for everyone else and help out. You absolutely werent rude in any way at all but you do seem OTT irritated about her suggestion to stay, which is a bit odd.

The relevance of my job was in case she had some sort of concerns about the safety of my household. I appreciate lawyers can be safety risks. I certainly don’t think my job makes me superior to anyone (my job is unremarkable at the school) but if you were a stranger to me doing due diligence and anxious about your child coming to my house, the fact that I am a boring commercial lawyer, vs say president of the local chapter of Hell’s Angels, might be reassuring

I don’t think either of you have been rude.

You might be both coming from entirely different places.

You competent and don’t want host an adult - which is fine.

She might be uncomfortable leaving her kid in a house she doesn’t know who will be there.

You don’t really know what her reasoning is behind it so I’d just move on and enjoy the day! A dozen 6 year olds would be too much for some people but it wouldn’t faze me either tbh. I’d be more happy with the kids than looking after a dozen adults 😂😂

The plan is drop kids at 11, entertainer at 12, games and food afterwards and cake at 1.30 with party ending at 2. How much more of a run sheet is required

I agree. The anger seems very strange and inflammatory considering she asked a pretty simple and logical question. Why the name calling?

I am definitely not defensive about hosting at home which IMO is much nicer than a venue. I’ve just made a rod for my own back as you need to clean you twice (pre and post party)

Wait, so all the other children are friends in class, and Jemima isn't from that class? And is only 6? Of course mum will want to stay.

I have a 6 year old and I still stay at parties to help with toileting and the times when my son feels overwhelmed or unsure. It's different when they're older but at 6 they're still very small.

Yabu. Are you always so self assured and, well, arrogant? It's not a great character trait.

Your own child might be happy to be left and you might be happy to leave her with relative strangers, but not everyone feels the same and I think you’ve been quite harsh. You’ve pushed them into a corner now - send Jemima by herself or make her miss the party. My daughter is autistic (though wasn’t diagnosed til 12) and at age 6 I’d also have asked what the activities were as she was petrified of loud noises, getting wet, clowns, etc etc so there was a very real need to know if she’d be able to cope. She also couldn’t manage to speak to unknown adults at that age and wouldn’t have felt able to say if she needed the loo, felt unwell etc so I stayed with her at parties until she could communicate for herself (she was happy to stay alone from about 8). I’m not an over-protective parent - her brother was happy to be dropped off much younger so that’s what we did (he was more than able to speak up and say what he needed). Would it really cause you a problem to let parents stay who want/need to? Your adult to child ratio is unsafe - it would be sensible to have at least one other person to help supervise/be there if anyone was taken ill etc. You don't have to be superwoman or prove anything.

YABVU op. You seem to be taking offence where there is none to be taken.

Her message wasn't rude just asking a question politely. I think your being over sensitive at her question. It's quite normal for parents to want to stay even if for 15 min or so if they don't really know you, or their dd may have extra needs or just be a little shy of being with 14 other girls she doesn't know much. At only 6 years old you could do with an extra pair of hands there. Don't be so harsh on her OP,also your response to the effect of ' fine your daughter cant come then' was rude.

Because ai think it’s rude and weird to say “what’s the plan” and then “Ok”. Ok if I stay?”

the first text is a bit abrupt but potentially just direct, the second is rude.

“OK” - I wasn’t actually seeking approval of my 6 year old’s party plan, and then presuming to invite yourself without any context (e.g. “Jemima is ND/gets nervous at parties/ hasn’t gone by herself before, do you mind if I hang around a bit to settle her in? happy to help out!”) IS rude. And weird. In NZ at least.

1. 3 hours is long for a 6 year olds party.
2. That hour from 11 -12 what happens then?

Do the children at the party know any of the other random adults you'd call upon if needed (your best friend, your mum, your nanny?)

Are you not friendly with any other school mums from the class? It tends to work better if another school mum is around as its a familiar face to all the children who've met them before at school runs, parties, play dates & local activities etc.

Yeah I don’t get it OP. She hasn’t said anything offensive in my book, just asking what the plan was I.e are you having a bouncy castle, someone dressed up, a nail or hair braider….all valid questions then asked to stay with her 6 year old at a strangers house.

I wouldn’t be leaving my daughter alone with any one I don’t know at their house at that age. But I also don’t allow sleepovers as I’ve been involved with safeguarding children I might be more OTT than most parents.

Jemima is from the class and is also in the same age group. She wasn’t at the party I dropped DD to yesterday.

I don’t allow sleepovers either so I’m with you on that.