To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

“Lol at my boring suburban home being a safety risk for a dozen 6 year olds”

Everywhere is a safety risk for a dozen excitable 6 year olds!

we are all quite punishing @Hollyhobbi 😂😂😂

I wonder if this is part of it @Valeriekat

It’s very much the norm here. I remember being shocked dropping my nephew to school in London having to wait until the bell rang and kids went into class!! How do parents manage to get to work?

Yes teachers are indeed qualified with other adults close by.
Assuming that OP's home is not an isolated chalet in top of a mountain, I'd say that there is probably help at hand should something happen.

Additionally, with this reasoning, it sounds like a comprehensive risk assessment should be attached to every child's birthday invite complete with child to adult (vetted adult,I hasten to add) ratio.

I am being deliberately over the top here but hopefully the points made about safety are, in my opinion, a little excessive.

Bear in mind if your DD is turning 6 then her child may be significantly younger eg 5.5. Not sure how NZ school years work for that. Could she be just turned 5?

Either way you're being unreasonable. I say this as someone who has done similar parties during covid and encouraged parents to drop off to reduce risk. I did have my DH there to help though and even so we had one or two adults who stayed with their child who was less confident. Generally it is the adults you know less well who do want to stay.

Are you always very black and white about things! Op in the nicest way?

Well no generally speaking if you’re going to host a 3 hour party of 15 young children I think it’s fair to say there’s an expectation there will be more than one adult present to supervise. Come on.

If there was a specific reason for her to stay with her child (neurodiversity, tendency to have toileting accidens, kleptomania, severe food allergies), she should have mentioned that.

Asking for your plans is flat out rude.
Inviting herself is very pushy.

Ok I still think I wasn’t rude

I was prepared to be told I was unreasonabek but thought it would be about an even split.

Based on the feedback on this post, I’ll definitely get my mum and/or best friend to come - mum is not particularly helpful but will be another adult there if any emergencies/to reassure parents their children are safe!

Fair enough

Are you a kiwi by any chance judging from your username 😂

I'm in the US. From age 4, parents left kids outside the school in the care of their teachers, who led them in when the bell rang. On wet or excessively cold days they weee ushered inside to the gym to wait with their teachers. Parents did not set foot in the building.

Nobody ever thought twice about the drop and run for parties either, from age 4/5 on. My DCs never once went to a party where parents were also invited or were expected to stay.

Otoh, we went to a good few family gatherings in backyards - team parties, etc. These were specifically family events.

No she’s definitely not turned 5. She’s in DD’s year which means she’s done 6 months in new entrants so she will have been at school at least 6 months, probably closer to 9.

Shes also at after school care at the community centre which appears to be supervised by high school students and they seem to entertain themselves so certainly seems reasonably independent.

Honestly I’m better in person I swear 🤣

I think it depends. If you are going to an open space i.e. local park, yes definitely. But in a house, not so much. Evidently, I am more relaxed than most!

Ok, you might not think your texts were rude. I don’t necessarily think they were, either, but your attitude and remarks on this thread definitely come across as rude (calling her weird based on two messages) and aggressive.

Lots of posters don’t think Jemima’s mom was rude either but you seem to! You don’t seem to have thought this through very well - the party is a week away (I think?) and you don’t have the entertainment organised and until 5 minutes ago you thought it was a good idea to supervise the whole thing yourself. Children in NZ may be a lot more independent than I’m used to (I’m an international school teacher, so I have experience with lots of different children from lots of different cultures/ countries) but they’re still 5 and 6 years old, it’s too much for one person no matter how capable you think you are.

Haha no I’m in England 😁

Appears her daughter is a bit anxious - wanting to know what will be done and wanting her mum there.
I thought it was ok to say no to the request to stay if you don’t have the space, but the second bit about that Jemima then may not be able to come to me would have sounded like you’re uninviting her. Difficult to then respond ‘no I’m sure it’ll be fine, she’ll still want to come’

I think hosting 15 six year old children is ambitious and you do need another pair of hands.

However, I wouldn't want that to be a stranger either so can see why you don't want her.

I think if Jemima is diabetic or has a nut allergy or gets overwhelmed in new situations then her mum should have said that.

I admire you for being honest and not inconveniencing yourself to appease someone else, as so many of us do.

My only concern is that the other mums may have been talking together about this - they're all a bit worried because they don't know you, it's in your home, it's a long party, their kids are asking what they'll be doing for three hours and nobody knows, they have safety concerns about the 1:15 ratio. So she contacted you on behalf of everyone and has now reported back, which could lead to cancellations.

I don’t so @lemonmeringueno3 I know many of the other mums through play dates, school pick ups and other drop & run parties hosted by them! And have had at least 8 RSVP without any questions.

I clearly sound more disorganised than I am… the cake is booked , as is the entertainer but I’m not sure yet if it will be a clown or a fairy as the agency is confirming. The kids will be at their dads on Saturday so I will prep everything else then for the Sunday party.

I did the same thing last year single handedly when DD turned 5! Everyone dropped and ran then too, apart from one mum whose daughter (from crèche) was a bit younger and more clingy. That mother did literally sit on the couch and expect to be “hosted” so my view is probably coloured by that experience.

Your texts weren't rude, but neither were Jane's texts. It's your attitude on this thread that is rude and aggressive. Really bitchy calling her weird just because she cares about her young DD and wants to know a little about what she'll be doing for 3 hours in some strangers house.

I am going against the grain here and think I'm a little bit in love with you OP! You're saying all the things I'd be thinking in my head but my people pleasing brain would have just said "of course, that's fine" while quietly fuming

I actually think her second text is rude and presumptuous and your reply is firm but polite.

And as you say, who cares if she doesn't then come as DD is ambivalent.

My cousins live in NZ and children are much more independent so I do think this is fuelling the responses you're getting

You're direct and forthright, but so is this other mum. So I'm not sure why you're offended. You both sound very similar in how you communicate (nothing wrong with it by the way), and I wouldn't take offence if I were you!

This

I think her messages are absolutely fine, they are 6 afterall and your attitude is oddly confrontational.

I wouldn’t even have asked about whether I could stay, would just have assumed I could as I would never have left my 6 year old anywhere new without making sure she was okay. I now know she is autistic but at that age she had numerous phobias and anxiety and problems with food. She would still have been disappointed if she couldn’t go to the party though so I think you should let the Mum just hang out and help a bit. You hardly have to host her, she probably just wants to hover a bit in the background to keep an eye on her child.

I found your responses to be very rude OP; obviously her little girl is nervous and you are unkind to say that jeans she just must not come. 6 year olds are too young to look after themselves, and it's baffling why you thought it was ok to host 15 on your own. Nobody does that, because you cannot ensure each one gets re-shown the toilet, help after spilling a drink, patted when they argued and cried, etc etc.

Sounds very much like a you need to be in control thing. But that's not your question. Were you U?
Not on the face of it, but if you have to ask the question, then on some level you must think you were.

Her messages sound fine. To me you are coming across a bit odd on this thread OP.