To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

This basically proves the point some of us were making. OP acted out—in her attitude towards the other mother and in posting on AIBU. The whole kerfuffle was just a demonstration that OP is now free snd independent of conventions, people pleasing, interdependence, etc…

To OP this was kind of a proof of concept—all the skills she has learned post divorce come into play. Snd she wanted to use AIBU to celebrate and be celebrated for it.

As a very good poster said upthread (sorry I can’t remember her nym) the next thing to learn is proportionality and appropriate selection of targets. Because its good to assert your boundaries blah blah and know your worth or whatever: but there is a time and place for it and not every fluffy bunny needs to be shot for dinner.

The little girl was going to be a GUEST in your house. Her mother was potentially a guest and potentially a future friend. Why instantly take such a hostile attitude towards them? You fucking invited them and then went into a multi page, international internet rant about your boundary setting courage like you were repelling pirate boarders attacking your dinghy.

Its no big deal to throw s birthday party for your dd solo-so why the hysteria about one parent potentially staying? You can’t have it both ways—you can’t both be miss cool, calm, collected super woman and also need to basically rudely uninvite one child because you can’t handle another adult in your space.

Wake up and recognize that you are still enraged with those closest to you—your ex, your mother, your own family and that you planned a party that was overwhelming you and took it out (admittedly covertly and without this poor woman ever finding out) on this perfect stranger.

She doesn’t have to take time out to accommodate, in her own home, anything other than the party she’s planned. That’s totally her right. If it doesn’t suit the parents of an invited child then it’s on them to decline 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is that the best answer you can come up with? She didn't say they'd be there, she says they could get there in 5 mins, which could be too late.

JFC, the projection on this thread 😄

I didn't say she did.

But I'm entitled to think that comments that have more than a whiff of ableism about them are utterly shitty. Lots of others clearly feel the same.

InterIgnis

"She doesn’t have to take time out to accommodate, in her own home, anything other than the party she’s planned. That’s totally her right. If it doesn’t suit the parents of an invited child then it’s on them to decline"

Yes and as it happens Jemima's mother was perfectly happy for her daughter to attend the party, and did not seem to take any offence at the OP's reply unlike a myriad of posters here.

There isn’t a ND issue. That’s a gloss that has been put on it by posters .

your party, your rules. I wouldn't drop a 6 year old at someone's house with people I didn't know but some people might.
also why have you invited most of the girls but not all of them

I think the interesting thing here is the split in the comments between those who take a rules based/ownership approach (her house her rules! My party! No special treatment for the little kids! No room for useless adults!) and those who focus on the idea if hospitality and community (what can I do for my dd’s guests? How much fun can this party be for everyone? Could this mother be a potential friend or ally? How does this party build community?)

I think op has taken the other mum's questions too personally. Asking what's happening at the party and if they can stay, presumably to make sure their child is alright is not a personal attack towards op but she's taken it as one and got offended.

Very confused by why the message riled you so much. She may just have wanted to know whether to send her with swimmers or whether you were taking them out so would need raincoat etc etc. Surely an entirely normal and reasonable text? Perhaps your job is very confrontational and you are assuming every interaction from those you do not know are an attack?

Wow.

I have a child with serious allergies to multiple foods. Eating the wrong thing would result in anaphylaxis so at that age I did have to accompany DC to parties. You can't very well just hand over adrenaline autoinjectors to a party host and cheerily say you'll be back in a few hours!

But I'd obviously have asked if it were possible to stay and explained my reasons why in advance.
So...maybe there is good reason mum wants to stay and she just hasn't explained properly. Or maybe not.
I'm not sure.

Crazy thread.
I'd not ask mumsnet for an opinion on anything in my life...it just ends up absolute noodles.

Special shout out to @AnotherEmma who bothered to trawl the thread to copy and paste a load of quotes to demonstrate her outrage about those of us who don't think the OP is an unnatural monster of a woman.

That took commitment Emma. I hope you feel it was time well spent.

My daughter had bad social anxiety and wouldn't attend if I didn't stay with her until she was 8! If you don't want her to stay then by all means say so, but it's not an unreasonable request at this age

What are you hiding that you. Don't want the mum to. Know about you seem very defensive about this says to me you are hiding something about your home life

What was the point of posting?

You disagree with everyone and you arent taking anyones advice or opinion on board

So just crack on!

Children here used to be! My children went to parties without parents at that age, it was normal

Absolutely. I used to hate it when parents stayed for entire parties, also when they brought siblings and expected them to stay and be entertained as well. Like you, @Endoftheroad12345, I'm fine with offering something when parents come to pick up but just drop and run, FGS, let me get on with looking after the children, I don't need to be worrying about adults as well! Or extra flaming uninvited children, for that matter!

PoopingAllTheWay · Today 19:23
What was the point of posting?

"You disagree with everyone and you arent taking anyones advice or opinion on board

So just crack on!"

Not true Pooping :

Based on the feedback on this post, I’ll definitely get my mum and/or best friend to come - mum is not particularly helpful but will be another adult there if any emergencies/to reassure parents their children are safe!

I would not have wanted a mum I do not know either OP in my home while I am running a children's party. I am very good at running children's parties and keeping everyone entertained, but I would feel judged if a mum I did not know was just sitting there watching what I am doing. I would rather cancel than have that scenario.

@Endoftheroad12345 you sound like a nasty piece of work. Four kiwis here. You didn’t know the mum as much as she didn’t know you. My son is ASD and I would message exactly this sort of thing. Lucky you don’t have to worry about this sort of stuff hey!! Have an amazing party!!!

Same at childrens parties in Ireland, at that age it's mostly drop off and collect later unless the hostess specifically invites parents to stay.

@Endoftheroad12345 of course we can all deal with your typical 6 year old. Easy! Go for it with your unicorn cake! But what happens if a kid you invited that you barely know has an ASD meltdown? The mum might not want to tell you because she doesn’t know you! Or maybe they have another situation going on that is absolutely none of your business but she might need more than 3 hours to think about her reply. But the main thing is, as long as you don’t feel judged at your party! Posts like these make me feel quite sick.

Nelly91 ·

But Jemima. the child in question does not seem to have any kind of special need as presumably her mother would have informed the OP of this in her message. As it was she was perfectly happy for Jemima to attend alone.