To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

To clarify - Jemima is also at DD’s school, in her class. They don’t just know each other from after school care, this is where they seem to play with each other.

DD has been at the school a year now but we’ve been in the school community for 4.5 years as DS is older.

Her child may have additional needs you know nothing about. If I was dropping my child off at a parents home I knew nothing about and no idea which adults would be there I'd want to stay too.

You seem weirdly confrontational about it, you should have said "of course, Id love a second set of eyes to supervise the girls"

I would have said 'yes do come, I could do with some help as there are 15 girls attending'.

If you’re having 15 kids then you could really make use of an extra adult being there. Can you reply ‘Actually, yes, I could use an extra pair of hands, thanks for the offer’. And then set her to work when she gets there.

Tricky...she got your back up pretty quickly!

If Jemima has additional needs I would have thought she'd say as people are miles more open and understanding nowadays.

I'm surprised you wouldn't welcome some adult help though?

I don’t want a second set of hands from someone I don’t know in my own home. If it was at a venue that might be different.

I appreciate her child may have additional needs I’m not aware of but (a) they have the option of not attending the party and (b) she is ok to go to after school care without her parents there.

I don’t think politely declining the mother inviting herself is confrontational.

She did @CalicoPusscat I must admit 😂

I do admit to be annoyed by her messages, if it had been couched as “Jemima gets a bit clingy in new environments, do you mind if I stay on a bit to help settle her in? Happy to help out!” I would have of course said yes. The messages were just a bit rude and presumptive tbh

I don’t need any extra help as am well versed in running kids’ parties single handedly sadly! (Expertise honed over many years of. being married to a selfish twat 😂)

YABVU - they’re 6. It would be different if they were 8 or 10 etc, but 6 is still quite young. It’s totally the norm where I am to stay and help at a 6 yo party.

I agree with pp - you seem oddly confrontational about this Mums actually innocuous questioning! Why is it making you so angry? And no, you’re not being ‘interrogated’ - you’re being asked very standard and reasonable questions. I’d be very wary if I messaged another mum to ask what my child was going to be doing at her house unaccompanied by me and they got so defensive - it would be a pretty major red flag.

have you hosted 15 six year old girls alone before? I’d be accepting all the help I could get tbh!

I see your side in that you don't want to open the floodgates of loads of parents your don't know taking up limited space and needing hosted.

However, 15 x 6 year olds solo is a terrible idea. You've explained why family aren't in a position to help, so enlisting a couple of the mums to stay - preferably ones you know even a little - would be wise. It only takes one small incident - bumped head, feeling sick from cake, sad for whatever reason, etc - of just one excited 6yo and then who looks after the rest of them while an adult deals with it?

15 dc and you are turning down an extra pair of hands?
You could respond with, "sorry my last answer was quite abrupt. I'm pretty busy sorting everything out. Yes, you are are welcome to stay if x needs the support. I'm not going to have much time to spend with you but would love the extra pair of hands to help"
Honestly OP I think you might need at least one other adult to support you.

Assuming Jemima is only 6 or so I would have let her stay. It's not like she knows you or knows much about you and you know nothing about Jemima's needs, allergies or family history.

I've had 4 year olds dropped off without even catching sight of their parents to know who I'm handing back to. Would much rather a parent err on the side of caution.

I really can’t work out why either of her messages got your back up to be honest. What’s the issue with her asking what the plans were?

I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my 6 year old at a party at someone’s house where there was going to be one adult and 15 children where the parent was adamant no other adult could stay.

and honestly, I think your plan of looking after 15 children at once is bonkers.

I genuinely don't think she's questioning your capability, Jemima might be a bit shy around new people at first, and her mum probably would like to help with so many 6 year old at once.

It's your prerogative :)

She was rather rude and blunt. It's quite cheeky the way she demanded a 'plan'. As if she was deciding whether or not your party ideas are worthwhile for her DD.

Personally I wouldn't want her to stay. I'd feel quite uncomfortable having someone watching me run a party. It's different having children in the house versus having to host an adult. Children don't judge in the same way.

Regarding your text response to her, you weren't rude at all, you were just straight-up with your answer.

In terms of back up - my best friend has offered to help and my nanny is on call, as will be my exH if there’s an emergency. So I’m ok on that front.

I’m not adamant that no adult can stay - I fully expect parents to chat at drop off, have slice of cake or a cup of tea at pick up. I just don’t want to have a complete random to babysit for 3 hours while I’m hosting a party. I totally respect that she might not want her child to come if that’s the case.

thanks @GoodVibesHere I was starting to wonder if I’d imagined it 😂

1. Her questions a re completely innocuous. Really not sure why you are taking offence.

1. 15 6 year olds is a LOT. You should be glad of and want the help. I am the opposite of overprotective but I'm not sure even I'd want my 6 year old attending a party of 15 with just 1 adult in attendance. I did a party once for 6 or 7 8/9 year olds and that was full on with both me and my husband there! Groups of children can be raucous. They have accidents and hurt themselves and fall out with each other. What are you going to do if the children are spilling drinks in one room, a glass breaks in another and a child falls over somewhere else and grazes their knee. All while you are trying to entertain, and provide food and drink.

1. 6 year olds are very different development wise. Some would happy to be at a party on their own, others not so much. It's v normal for parents to stay at parties for children that young.

Totally fine. Your party, your rules. We are not yet at the age of school birthday parties but I am always surprised by how many people on here expect to be able to stay or bring siblings along. When I was six I was dropped at the door and collected three hours later!

for all those saying you’d be glad of the help … note she hasn’t actually offered any 🤣🤣🤣

YANBU this would have annoyed me and I wouldn't want another parent there for the whole party. She can drop jemima or jemima doesn't need to come.

Well, yes, it would be a bit irritating if she sat on the sofa with a glass of wine surveying the mayhem

YABVU and quite ignorant of other peoples needs/differences. I think her messages were fine and shouldn't cause offence, she's gently asking for more information to assess if her child can be included. You don't even care why, just how it affects you. You sound intolerant so maybe it would be better for her if she wasn't included. You sound overwhelmed and exhausted.

@gentileschi with the greatest of respect I don’t care about her hypothetical needs or differences (which she hasn’t actually articulated). Not sure why I should massively inconvenience myself hosting Jemima’s weird rude mother when Jemima could just not come.