To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

Yes.
I agree with you on all counts OP.

From her first texts she is coming across as potentially hard work? Judgemental? (judging your party plan before deciding)

That could be completely unfair to the woman but you can only go off your own impression.
I think you have handled and worded everything just right.

Are you supposed to assume little Jemima is now not coming 🤔

She's rude.

thank you @FellowshipOfTheBing Inhave had a lot of therapy! Maybe too much 🤣

Drop and run parties have been the norm for DD for at least the last 2 years. Of course parents come in and chat and make sure their kids are settled but it is extremely rare to stay at this age unless you are actually friendly with the other mum, you might hang around a bit longer. But they usually tell you to go and enjoy the child free time 😂

Nah I don't think you are at all unreasonable. Your party/your home/your rules. Other mum sucks it up or doesn't allow her kid to attend.

Where I am from parents typically stay until kids are around 7 years old and even then that's more smaller events where there 5-7 kids. Full parties it's probably more like 10 years old so if I hosted a large party I'd be pretty pissed if she didn't stay!

I'd also not leave my child at a complete strangers house nor would I leave my child in a group at a ratio of 15:1. Although tbf she probably doesn't know that part yet.

You were very direct, I would have felt you were rude and you have put the parent in a crap position of choosing for her child to attend a party she doesn't feel comfortable with or tell her dd she can't attend.

I wouldn't have seen her as a hindrance I'd have seen her as another set of eyes.

Also have you thought it through, what happens if someone gets injured? Or starts to be sick. How would you deal with a child needing 1:1 and still supervise the rest? It really doesn't sound ideal.

I really don’t see why I should have to do this. It would be a shame if Jemima was disappointed but unfortunately for her the terms on which she (or her mother) wish to attend the party are not an option.

Well presumably she'd be watching at least her child and I'd assume in an emergency she would step up.

If it was me I'd apologise and say on reflection she can stay

I'm surprised more parents haven't asked to stay, or are planning to and haven't mentioned it.

Or I get put in the crap position of having a random supervised in the corner to host/deal with in order to facilitate the attendance of a child that my DD isn’t even particularly friendly with.

The questions about how will I deal with an emergency are wild. I am a single mother. I deal with children being sick, injuries etc routinely. Not sure how having Jemima’s mother is such a game changer in that scenario. I live in a residential neighbourhood with friendly neighbours on either side. my mum, exH and best friend within 5 minutes drive and a major children’s hospital also 5 minutes drive away. Rest assured I have a comprehensive safety plan for this major event 😂

Haha - love it. I think I would like you as my solicitor.

I won’t be doing this WTF 😂 Apologise for what??

You sound weirdly aggressive about the Mother and far from welcoming if you’d rather a child, even if they had special needs, would miss out on the party rather than inconvenience you. I’ve obviously no idea if this child has special needs but considering her Mother’s questions it wouldn’t surprise me and it’s telling that you’d rather have them miss out than try to accommodate them. And a party and after school care with staff that the child regularly attends are two very different things.

Breaking news, she’s just texted me back!

”Sweet that should be fine. I’ve never dropped Jemima off before but I’m sure she will be fine”

Great result!

Set boundaries find peace.

I will of course text her back and tell her under no circumstances is she to step over the perimeter of my property and her child is to be handed over at the DMZ at the foot of the driveway 😂😂😂

I can assure you that no one is planning to stay, Kiwi parents barely turn off the car ignition on their haste to drop and run at children’s birthday parties 😂😂😂

I think you are crazy to think you can manage 15 six year olds solo with no additional adult backup and that if Jemima's mum feels Jemima will only cope with the party with her mum there then it's crazy not to let her stay. I would want an adult to cgild ratio of no worse than 1:5 so would be asking another parent to stay too. Obviously you aren't hosting the spare adults. They are helpers. They will have to deal with it being standing-room-only and no opportunity to enjoy a restful cuppa while the chaos reigns party is happening.

If one child has an accident (of the toilettimg type or a bleeding-profusely type) and needs 1:1 attention will you just be leaving all the other kids unsupervised while you deal with the emergency?

You could have been kinder. But ok now you are 1:14.
Parents fuss about the adult ratio at scouts and Sunday schools. 1:15 5/6 yo is insane.

15 have been invited, we will probably end up around 10-12. It is totally fine and manageable, it’s not my first rodeo.

This.

I can't see anything "punishing" in her texts. It sounds as though you're a bit stressed and projecting onto this mum.

i bet she is surprised at your reaction

Glad it’s worked out op.

but you are mental hosting 15 6yo. I had eight once and I still get the shakes when I think about it🤯😱🤬

Gosh. If you see that most people here think the other lady was okay in what she said, can you not see that although you disagree there are other points of view? And that yours might not be the majority one?

Id not want to leave a 6child at a person I dont knows house. And it would be quite normal to ask what you're dropping them off at before going (disco/animals/party games). You don't just drop blindly that's normal.

And no I wouldn't leave my child with any parent who thought it was fine to have 15kids with no second adult and I'm a teacher...

What a bizarre post.

I am quite surprised at how shocked everyone is at hosting a dozen 6 year
olds. Parties like that were the norm in my 80s childhood? I routinely have 6 kids at my house (DD5 and DS9 plus cousins/ friends) without the structure of a birthday party like games, an entertainer, food etc to distract them. The preparation is where the work is, the hosting is noisy/chaotic but generally fine.

Also quite funny that all the people telling me how dangerous and stressful it will be are also telling me how stressed and pressured I sound 😂

of course I can see there are other points if view @GeneralMusings , that’s why I started this AIBU, I was interested to see how the responses would fall.

None of the other parents RSVPing have asked similar screening questions or asked to stay, so no, I don’t think it’s normal here in NZ anyway.

There's not a chance in hell I'd leave my 6 year old at a strangers house

I couldn’t be doing with parents there either, but I would have appreciated a friend to help.

Just in case one child fell down and another needed the toilet etc it’s probably helpful if someone else like your friend is there.

Hope you have fun 🤩

Glad it has all worked out. I'm in Sussex, England and my sons are now 18 and 21 years. I have had many parties, at home, of 12 - 20 children. Probably had another adult or two to help and an entertainer. Never any problems ... but if there had of been I would react appropriately. Really can't see the big deal ... have a wonderful party 🎉