To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

and the fact she hasn’t bothered to text back to my quite civilised message suggests the issue here is her not me

YANBU I would hate it too.
15 6 years old will be full on but teachers do that all day and the majority of them is still sane.
If you have a loose schedule of activities, it will be fine!
What is the not clear in the initial message from the mum is why she wants to stay. If it is because the child has specific needs that can make sense. But if not, then it sounds more like an hinderance than support.

I actually can’t with this reply 😂😂 She sends you a perfectly normal, reasonable and fine message asking for more info about a party (presumably to decide if it’s something her dd can attend) and it gets your back up to such an extent that you create a thread on mumsnet about it and call her rude and weird but now she hasn’t replied to you then the problem must be her?! Maybe she’s just busy?!

I really don’t think the problem is her here! From the way you’ve described her messages they don’t come across as rude or blunt at all. She is literally asking for more information about a party her dd has been invited to. For some reason you’ve taken them incredibly personally (do you have a chip on your shoulder about something here?).

"Massively inconvenience"?

The texts read like the mum has an anxious daughter who would like to come, but is also scared of unfamiliar situations.

You are making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

Do the other parents know you will be the only adult there with 15 6yo? You might find that more parents decide to stay at drop off if they clock on because that situation doesn’t exactly sound safe.
Yes, teachers deal with it every day but there’s another teacher in the room next door…. Does your friend and ex live next door to you? What will you do if a child needs immediate medical attention? Just leave 14 6yo on their own while your ex gets there?

Not really sure what your job has to do with this? Was it mean to imply you're good at coping with stress? Because it's not really sounding like you are.

Maybe you're much more relaxed in person but assuming people are going to be a hassle, or are being presumptive, or are making things all about themselves......this must be an exhausting way to live.

Seems like your comfortable with speaking up so why not live with it if she turns up with her kid and if you find the......?stress of having to 'host' an adult in addition to 15 kids is too much you can just suggest they head home.

I can't see anything rude about her messages. It sounds like 6yo Jemima is perhaps a bit lacking in confidence and her mum is trying to be supportive.

You don't need to host her, you've said you'll have your hands full. Just make her a coffee and leave her to it.

But it's your house and your rules.

You are the rude one here not the girls mother. Her child is only 6, she doesn’t know you and wants to stay. So would I. You have taken some weird offence to this. Again- 6 years old! Check your attitude- you sound defensive and unpleasant.
I also thing 15 excited 6 year olds to ONE adult is irresponsible. It’s too much stop being a hero. If there are two accidents at the same time as a worst case scenario you’re screwed- doesn’t matter if you’ve got back up takes time for people to get there.
Let parents stay- you probably shouldn’t have invited 15 young children round to your house if you didn’t have the space for a few of the parents.

To be honest you sound like your life is a bit of a pressure pot at the minute.

I think her message was completely fine. She doesn't know you, the kids are 6. Your daughter has only been in the class a year. Your party in your home, were she has never been.

She wasn't rude, you have gotten your back up because your under pressure else were and honestly your taking it out on someone else.

She doesn't seem like the rude one.

I think you're being a bit rude and strange, not her. I'm not surprised she hasn't replied.

I think if you’re hosting a party for a 6 year old in your own home then you’re going to have to expect parents to want to stay tbh. It’s her child, her choice.

That said, I wouldn’t go to any extra effort at all to entertain her. Focus on the kids.

Yep, you're the rude one OP

Totally agree with the poster who has - quite rightly - pointed out that a ratio of 15 kids to 1 adult is not safe! The point about teachers at school doing this is also totally irrelevant - they have multiple other adults in the same building (other teachers, support staff, admin staff etc) who would be on hand in seconds to help in an emergency. What’s your plan? You’ve already said ex is taking your other child out for the day so he won’t be immediately to hand and how long will it take for your friend to get there? How will you call her if there’s an emergency and you have a potentially injured child and 14 others to look after?

I did sent her the information she asked for?

She is absolutely entitled to decide she is not comfortable letting Jemima come if she can’t stay to supervise the 3 hour party.

If there were concerns about Jemima’s ability to cope I might have expected a response along the lines of “Jemima sometimes gets a bit nervous with new environments if I’m not there, I’ll see how she feels on the day” or something

Lol at my boring suburban home being a safety risk for a dozen 6 year olds.

I don’t think my life is any more pressured than anyone else’s. I mentioned my job in case Mother of Jemima has security concerns about me, i.e. though I was a crack dealer or madam

Another not seeing a problem with the mum’s texts. You on the other hand seem unnecessarily defensive and combative.

It sounds like her totally normal questions got your back up as you’ve left the planning quite late, and in your own words don’t really have a plan yet, so you’ve taken her texts as some direct slight against your parenting rather than a mother trying to understand what you have planned for the day. I’d also be a bit wary if the party was a week away and you seemed to have nothing organised yet.

I don't think you were being rude. Direct, yes. Rude, no.
When DC was young, I would state in the invite if it was a matter of "dump and run" or "stay if you want to" so parents would know what to do.
Some would stay, some would happily leave and were grateful for the free time to do other stuff.

I'm on the fence about bit. On the one hand she could have thought out the tone of her texts more and made them sound less demanding. However she may not feel comfortable telling a stranger about her child's additional needs.

I say this as a parent of a daughter who has diagnosed needs and suspected autism. She would worry herself sick over the details of what would happen at a party so I could see myself asking what the plan was as she obsesses over detail. I can also understand the asking to stay.

Perhaps the tone of your texts back was quite hostile and that's why she has not responded.

Why do you assume you she expects you to host her too? I would have just said "well, nobody else is staying and I will be busy but if you can look after yourself then that's fine". Worded more politely but you get the idea.

You don't come across very well actually on this thread. You have projected loads onto this mum who you barely know from two texts. Yeah she might be a pain whose daughter has no additional needs but you have no idea if that is the case. Best her daughter doesn't go to be honest, for all concerned.

Another note - the girl may be fully aware that your daughter is ambivalent about her being there. Perhaps she is nervous about being at a party where the birthday girl doesn't care about her appearance. Perhaps she doesn't fit in with the other girls.

If you’re this worked up and defensive over a simple txt from another mum, not sure how you get through your work day!?

Maybe its different there but my daughter is the same age and at parties either, the invites are usually clear what then plan is, eg softplay/princess part/bouncy castle type etc.

the mother obviously was trying to assess if the situation is suitable for her daughter for whatever reason.

‘Lol at my boring suburban home being a safety risk for a dozen 6 year olds.’

Seriously, @Endoftheroad12345 ? Do you really need it pointed out to you why this is a totally ridiculous thing to say?

The tone of my texts were word for word what I have written in the OP, as were hers.

It’s a drop and run party. Which is what every party DD has been to for the last at least a year has been to. She is welcome to come in and suss it out and chat to me but the expectation is that parents then leave and come back at cake/pick up time.

Yet schoolteachers handle 30 or more!

They’re are trained and qualified in child care and also are in a school setting with other adults close by.

OP for some reason you remind me very much of some of the solicitors I have to deal with at work! Just look at it as having to mind 14 6 year old girls instead of 15 for 3 hours! Also I have a small house and two daughters aged 20 and 25 and you are nuts having 15 girls so young at a birthday party in your house. I did it once with about 5 girls that age and that was also the last time😉.

Anyway OP is in New Zealand where children are much more independent.

Well certainly security concerns can and do occur in all sorts of homes, I grant you that @Lolabear38

But I guess on that basis Jemima’s mum is going to be attending a lot of parties (or Jemima will be missing out).

I’n unsure why it’s so rude of me to set a clear firm (polite) boundary around my daughter’s party in my home, but not for Jemima’s mother? I politely said I understood understood if Jemima wasn’t able to come.

Appreciate my tone in these posts might come off as a bit flippant (I’m nicer IrL I swear 😂) but I don’t think my texts were rude.