To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home

Bloody hell- are you always this overreactive? it hardly an interrogation to be asked about plans and to say she's treating you like a criminal is ridiculous.

What on earth is going on?- are you stressed about something else because this is really making a mountain out of a molehill.

Because ai think it’s rude and weird to say “what’s the plan” and then “Ok”. Ok if I stay?”

I don't think its rude at all. She'd prefer to stay, how else should she ask? Its just a short text message, lots of people are brief in texts. She might have stayed at most other parties and expect its typically fine to.

I don't get why you're so defensive about it all

Yeah nah, I think by her casual reply of 'sweet' that she didn't take your reply badly, so wouldn't worry about it anymore, OP.
Totally agree drop of parties are more the norm here in NZ for 6 year olds.

@Sorchamarie yeah nah you are def a kiwi 🤣

I wouldn't find your career reassuring. I'd be indifferent. I'd probably assume you had plenty of cash and maybe weren't very used to spending quality time with children (working many hours) so actually might feel less comfortable leaving 15 children alone at a last minute party.

15 x 6 year olds is going to be chaos. I think you're under prepared and could do with some help on the day. I had a friend help alongside our entertainer. All hands on deck when the foods coming out, Isla is helping herself to huge jugs of juice, they all need the toilet and little Harry is going around popping everyone's balloons. It can get hectic quickly.

She wasnt rude at all and now you know why she was asking- because she's never left her DD alone at a party before. Before getting all upset and accusatory maybe wait until you know the reason first, as interpreting malice when there is none there is not going to benefit you long term, its just going to cause you stress

ok how I would ask in that situation is:

”Sound fab, Jemima will love it. She get a a bit nervous at parties … do you mind if I stay for a bit to help settle her in? I’m sure you’ll be flat out dealing with the hordes so happy to help out!”

That wound be a non weird, non rude way of inviting yourself. Just FYI

I'm surprised at the responses. I doubt many people in the UK would have space for 15 children AND 15 adults. That would be my problem - as soon as one stays it opens the door to for others to stay too. Agree with OP it's just another thing to think about and more people to look after. I also find children generally listen better when their parents aren't there (although I'm a teacher and know how to get children to follow instructions).

I hosted a sixth birthday party two weeks ago at home for 10 children and no parent even expected to stay. Some hung around for 10 minutes chatting at the start and honestly I was relieved when they left! And I'm the one with the anxious child in the class but even she has been fine from about age 5.5 going into her friends' houses without me.

You’d be wrong, and really fucking rude actually

Totally agree drop of parties are more the norm here in NZ for 6 year olds.

Totally normal in the uk too, but there's always an odd one who's nervy and its accepted that a parent or two might ask to stay. In the uk a lot of parents will share a party with another child and there'll be two sets of parents there so four adults in total which is very different to one. Or if not sharing the party, will usually have got another of the parents they are friends with to stay & help.

She's only 6! She's never met you before & her email was perfectly polite & reasonable. You sound like hard work to be honest.

I have met the child and the dad at pick up multiple times

You’d be wrong, and really fucking rude actually

Seriously why so defensive? No one is trying to be rude - they are warning you so you've got time to get someone to help out.

I wouldn't find a corporate lawyer reassuring either lol. My brother in law is one. I'd find a teacher, sports coach or childcare worker more reassuring as used to coralling a big group of kids.

Pot calling the kettle black.

I can't understand why your daughter has lots of girls invited and you had to add an extra one!

That's likely to cause the problem at the party and afterwards id the girl isn't popular with the others.

Sorry there are more ways to say the same thing.

you are coming across quite rude and abrupt in your responses here, I wonder if it’s actually major focus for you to say things politely in messages in real
life and then you just lose it when someone appears to you not to apply the same effort?

She isn’t an extra?

I had a mum stay at my DD's party.... 16th !!!!!!!
She asked DH who was 'on the door' and he said yes (he said after he didn't know what to say as he was 😳)
We had never met her before
The reason being that they had come by taxi and it was too far to go and come back again to collect!
(No additional needs)
She sat in the kitchen drinking tea quite happily

She's not asking you to babysit. You sound defensive & angry in your posts. Puke you're anticipating the worst. Maybe this is because you feel stressed about being in control?

What if she comes, is really helpful and lovely and you end up with a new friend? It might be a positive thing. You don't know.

You're determined to frame it negatively for some reason. Why?

My 6 year old wouldn’t be going to the house of someone I don’t know on her own. Not a chance. I wouldn’t expect to be ‘hosted’ or entertained and would absolutely muck in, but my view is that 6 year olds need a protective factor and an adult I don’t know wouldn’t cut it for me.

Granted I’m not in NZ and the etiquette might be different, but I would expect to also host parents until they are much older.

I am posting quite brief messages because ai am making dinner for the children I hardly see and don’t know how to relate to because I am so focused on my high powered career

I cant see the problem here TBH. just from a safety point of view surely 2 sets of eyes is better than one? I think we can often underestimate kids parties! Maybe call her back and say you would welcome the extra pair of hands!

@Endoftheroad12345

jemima's mum hasn't been weird or rude. There are lots of reasons she might have asked what the plan was. Jemima might be scared of clowns, allergic to make up, hate magicians...

she's asked if she can stay, that's not rude nor unexpected when they're 6. Jemima might be nervous at strange houses, generally clingy, allergic to some food, have toilet issues. Whatever.

ok so you don't care about jemima, but her Mum isn't being rude.

you are also being irresponsible hosting 15 6 year olds & being the only adult in the building. Jemimas Mum might not have offered to help, but she'll probably help if she was to stay, but at the very least she'd be there in an emergency.

you don't have to 'host' her beyond pointing at the kettle, you don't even have to interact with her beyond 'hello, here's the loo, here's the kettle' if you don't want to.

omg I am howling 😂

Its completely normal that there would be some 6 year olds who would need a parent at a party, so to plan one where no parents are allowed to stay is unusual. Her texts weren’t at all rude.

However after your reaction on here I would be concerned you’re going to be verbally aggressive to the young children, and I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving ours with someone like you. A job wouldn’t reassure me either, your job and reaction on here would just make me think you have very little experience of caring for children 1:1 but you think you know better than anyone else anyway.