To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

All these laughing emojis yet I haven’t laughed once

'i argue for a living, I'm a lawyer'

From where I'm standing you don't 'argue' very well, because you appear to cherry pick who you respond to, and when challenged by anyone you totally ignore the point they've made and deflect attention elsewhere. In other words, you seem incapable of answering sensibly to things asked of you, if you know you haven't got a credible answer.

She’s on mumsnet, not in court. She doesn’t have to reply to particular people going out their way to antagonise her, any more than she has to change her mind and do as mumsnet instructs.

With greatest respect … It’s obvious why you are asking MN to support your behavior.
Just tell this mum the truth, that you are inflexible, disorganized, stressed and full of hate and rage and don’t want her, or her daughter at your house. This mum is only one who doesn’t know you, the others do, which is why they would never ask/want to be at your house.
At other parties, mums probably invited, are friendly and help out. Sad for you.

YABVVVVU

Jemima's mum isn't rude. She just wants to know if she can stay with her daughter? Why are you so opposed to that!? I get that you're new to New Zealand and you just assumed that all Kiwis are happy with dropping off the kids at parties but, that's not the case with everyone? And just because they want the kids to stay with them, doesn't mean they're overbearing or trying to micromanage the party? They just want to stay with their kid, so put your big girl pants on and be a nice accommodating host.

I'm British, my hubby is an Aussie. Both of us have hosted kids parties and there've always been kids whose parents stayed with them. I don't get what there is to be jealous about.

Jesus Christ 😂 page after page of posters getting increasingly irate trying to get the shot in that will actually hurt a complete stranger’s feelings. Over an issue that was resolved hours ago. That is sad, and indicative of the exact problems OP is being accused of having.

This is a genuinely wild take on what OP has actually said. It reflects on you, not her.

YAB a bit U. In my experience, 6 is bit of a crossover age with parents staying/going.

Saying you don't care about additional needs is fine as long as you don't expect anyone else to give your child grace or inclusion if ever you should find yourself in a situation where they need it.

I guess you're not really wrong, but also I'd personally aim to comport myself with a very different attitude, especially with the parents of a school friend you're going to be stuck with for the next few years!

P.s As a stay at home mum can I say that I'm being mildly antagonistic because I bicker as a lifestyle choice?

InterIgnis

"Jesus Christ 😂 page after page of posters getting increasingly irate trying to get theshot in that will actually hurt a complete stranger’s feelings. Over an issue that was resolved hours ago.Thatis sad, and indicative of the exact problems OP is being accused of having."

Exactly this.

I wouldn't want to leave my child at a strangers house. I'd decline the invite if I wasn't allowed - how does she know you don't have a creepy boyfriend taking photos of all the girls or giving them all a bath.

it's the OP who created the problem

Mum asked for details, and to tag along (instead of assuming or just staying without asking) OP not comfortable having another adult attending, replies she's rather not, mum's ok with that. Complete non story.

That wouldn't make such a thread, so the OP had to make a massive drama about the whole thing.

treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home
could not be any more ridiculous and over-the-top if she tried.

What I noticed when staying in Australia, was that ordinary children weren’t so mollycoddled as they are here. Good luck OP.

“you are inflexible, disorganized, stressed and full of hate and rage”

Im not even the OP but I feel so seen

I don't think OP is BU at all. It's her house and she's running the party her own way. I wouldn't want an unknown parent there either, especially if the only other parent. OP, you sent an assertive but friendly response, imo.

Yes exactly

There's an awful lot of ableism on mumsnet.

People would never dare say similar comments if it was a different demographic such as race.

Just awful.

Deeply personal and unnecessarily nasty. If you think this sort of behaviour somehow puts you on a moral high ground over the OP, you're very much mistaken. For sheer unpleasantness it surpasses in spades anything OP might have posted, and it's exactly this sort of thing that gets this site its reputation for toxicity.

No need.

The OP asked for opinions. Many people have come on at various times throughout the day and given their opinion. The vast majority have felt the OP is unreasonable. Most people have been very respectful.

Crickey, this has suddenly gone bonkers! Hope you are ok, OP

It's 'antagonising her' is it, asking if she'd mentioned on her invites that she'd be the only person looking after 15 kids?

It's a genuine question, and one that she should be able to answer. Yet she refuses to obviously, I wonder why.

@WitchyWay

omg the judgment and internalised misogyny!

would you only be happy leaving your kids at a party facilitated by a housewife then as presumably she spends tons of “quality time” with children?

do you yourself work?

And yet the ableist comments are just ignored....

40 pages too late but maybe she's also thinking "I don't know this person and my child isn't a really good friend of hers".

"The OP asked for opinions. Many people have come on at various times throughout the day and given their opinion. The vast majority have felt the OP is unreasonable. Most people have been very respectful."

"Respectful" Many of the replies have been downright venomous.

@Razorwire

lots of questions for you, but one is- why is op disorganised?! She sounds very capable and top of things with this party than most people I think!

Because she doesn’t consider you to be worth her time?

As if you’re completely unaware of, and didn’t specifically intend, the hostility with which you’ve been demanding she answer you. She’s already said she’s going to ask her mother and one of her friends to be there, so that, much like the one detailed in the OP, is an issue that was resolved hours ago.

it’s a kids party, it’s not that deep.