To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

Are you always this rude and entitled? Has your job as a lawyer gone to your head? Hell, I feel scared of you and I’m the other side of the world and I’m even more scared for poor Jemima if she dares turn up at your, doubtless Insta ready, front door 🤯

This!

I really don't see why this thread has attracted 37 pages of responses (says she adding another one hahah)
OP has a party
Another parent asks if she can stay
OP says she doesn't want adults to stay
Other parents says ok fine. Party goes ahead.

Surely this should have ended there...it's a total non issue.

No way would I drop my child off at a persons house whom I’ve never met.

You're braver than me, no way would I attempt to supervise 15 six-year-olds who I don't really know, and organise games and food as the sole adult. Let her stay if she wants to, and ask her to help, even if it's just keeping an eye on everyone while you're getting food out etc.

I have to say, it's not unusual to have a parent stay for the party at that age. You don't have to "host" them - they're just there for their kid and are not expecting to be fed and watered too.

Low

OMG you sound completely barmy and a control freak.
You set yourself up as judge jury and executioner having never met the poor woman.
FFS chill out will you.

😂😂

You sound awful OP.
The other mum wasn't rude at all - you were. Your responses throughout this thread have confirmed that.

That is exactly the type of messages I sometimes have to send if my autistic DS is invited to parties. She's not accusing you of being a criminal, she's trying to work out if her kid can handle what you have planned. Eg. We decline anything with a disco, as DS is noise sensitive. When he was younger I also tended to declined any pay per child type things, as I didn't want someone paying £10, then us leaving 5 minutes in if he has a meltdown.

Asking if she can stay is probably because she knows her child can be challenging, and doesn't want to dump that responsibility on you when your already juggling 15 other 6yo's. Just treat it as an extra pare of hands, not a hosting obligation.

This is one of those threads where I'm genuinely shocked by OP and her horrible attitude.

I've been here 15 years so you'd think I'd know better by now.

You are in for a disaster!

My best school Mum friend had a home party at that age. All planned. No parents, husband there tho.

I arrived to - fucking get in here I can't cope! A very large sitting room, 12 unruly kids, sofas jumped on, kids fighting, Dad trying to calm the situation...

I was put on filling food boxes duty whilst she bellowed - IF YOU AREN'T ALL SAT WITHIN 5 SECONDS THIS PARTY IS CANCELLED!!!

Came into the kitchen, glugged some wine and went back all sweetness and light... Right, who wants to play pass the parcel? 🤣

Thank god her son was 2 months older than mine. Lesson learned through observation.

Perhaps her child is shy and wants mum to stay. It’s quite a long time for 6 year olds. I would limit to two hours to save my sanity 😂 good luck with it though OP.

If she is the only other adult who will be there she can surely help you with the party? I remember the odd parent hanging around and it was great, they helped with the food, drinks etc and all the unforeseen issues that young children have. I can understand you wouldn't want all the parents there, but one is fine?

You are rude and aggressive and expect the worst of everyone. What a negative controlling mindset you have.

And as a parent of two much older children who has been through numerous parties, I can guarantee this attitude is not going to be welcomed by others. Very very odd to be so controlling and so assumptive.

And would you actually know how to accommodate my autistic daughter back when she was 6?

Do you have the training let alone the time with 14 other kids in the room to suddenly divert what could be a large chunk of time to my DD?

You are so very narrow minded.

The wonderful thing with parenthood is that what you didn’t learn as a child, you get a second chance to learn through having your own children.

let’s hope for you it’s more compassion and less control.

I don't think the other mum was any ruder/more direct than you were. I'm glad you were able to set the boundary you wanted but you obviously have had different experiences of children's parties (you say you've been dropping off your DD for 2 years and she says she's never left her DD).

I think if she had included an explanation when asking the party plans you would actually have found that OTT - "Can I have a bit more detail what the plan is? 3 hours is quite a long party so I wonder if you have an activity planned? Jemima is allergic to strawberries and kiwi but will eat fairy bread until she's sick. She only drinks water or milk and is shy about asking to use the toilet in strange houses so I'll put spare knickers in her bag. She's a bit scared of dogs so I hope you don't have one. In fact any fur or feathers sets of her asthma so I'll include her emergency inhaler as well - are you or any other adults who will be there trained first aiders/familiar with inhaler use? She also has a latex allergy so please keep her away from balloons. She is scared of clowns but strongly believes in fairies, I would hate to have her dreams shattered by an inappropriate party entertainer (eg a fairy who didn't actually fly or whose harness was visible). If you're planning to play Pass the Parcel are you following Lucky's dad's rules - so I can set expectations in advance. Maybe it would be easier if I just stayed with her, she hasn't been to many parties? Thanks"

I find your response quite sad. When my dd was 6 she would not have coped well with being dropped and left at a house party, with all the noise that usually entails- she'd have sat on her own and been quite teary. However she would have wanted to go, to be there with her friends - and would have been quite happy to sit with me and watch for a while. No way would I expect the party mum to have to deal with her tears - but I'd have felt sad if she'd been left out of party invitations because of needing some extra reassurance.

Mother is so smug and self righteous it would be quite the egg on face moment though, wouldn’t it?

no doubt she’ll be along here soon to tell us how wrong we all are and how right she is and how wonderfully it all went.

If the children were 8 plus I think you were reasonable but I think it's very unreasonable considering the child is 6 to not allow parents if a child needs a parent to stay to feel secure. I would be particularly happy leaving a 5-6 year old in a strangers house alone with 15 kids unless I knew them well sorry. In your situation I would have assumed some parents would want to stay when I was planning it.

Yabvvu your message wasn't civilised you told her if she stays her kid can't come thats horrible. People don't just do things for the sake of it, there's always a reason, most likely a reason you are not aware of. I was sa as a child and I am very overprotective of my children being around random adults and in random homes.

I think a lot of people's lives would be so much easier if they remembered that you cannot infer people's tone from text messages. Some people are just brief when texting, it doesn't mean anything. Therefore this thread has been a total storm in a teacup.

who?

The poster who is trying to promote Fairy Bread?

Totally agree