To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

I would wonder If maybe her daughter has SEN needs, I used to ask for the plan to prep my son, just so he knew what to expect and what the expectations were from him.

I used to stay with him at parties because I knew sometimes it could overwhelmed him and rather than ruined a child's birthday with a meltdown I'd rather have said thank you and taken him home if needed. I also would have hated for him to have missed out because of it.

Anyway I've always been up front about his needs and always said call me if needed

Really, you can tell that from these two messages can you? Amazing

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

Soft white bread. Real butter (please not margarine!!) and hundreds and thousands (sprinkles). I personally prefer the rainbow ones, not the chocolate ones or heaven forbid the little silver ball ones we once got at a posh afternoon tea. Too crunchy.

I suspect the antecedents was the bread with dripping and sugar that my Scottish mother used to talk about with such nostalgia.

OP you sound awful.

Jemima might need some help, she could just “not come” but you invited her and why wouldn’t you want her to have a nice experience.

I appreciate her child may have additional needs I’m not aware of but (a) they have the option of not attending the party

I can't be arsed to RTFT, but Christ, you actually wrote this and think it's ok? And apparently been back slapped for it.
Not difficult to see where MN gets its reputation from.

She's not interrogating you what so ever, she's just asking completely polite and reasonable questions before leaving her kid at a strangers house. Why are you so defensive about that? I would tell you to shove your party up your arse if you responded to me like this.

All the issues are clearly the OP’s. If you’re not confident hosting or are hosting a crap party you’d not want adult witnesses 😅. Personally I always invited parents as I tended to throw the best parties for my children 🤣

My daughter, who is the same age always feels anxious about parties, mainly because she doesn’t know what to expect and because they are often in new environments. I will try to find out what the plan is to prepare her beforehand and will usually stick around. This is not because don’t trust the parents, but because my own child will get incredibly upset and I don’t want another parent to have to deal with that. I also don’t want the situation where my daughter will refuse to go to the party due to anxiety and we have to message the parent on day of party to say she won’t be there. Each child is different, but to be honest the OP’s reaction to the other mum’s message is completely over the top and a bit rude.

Pretty much what I thought. Thank you. Rainbow hundreds and thousands it is and margarine? yuk. Not here! Always butter.

Omg people the Jemima situation is sorted!!!

I am much more worried about the entertainer - IS IT A CLOWN OR IT A FAIRY? This is very important.

DH went to a "parents must stay" party with young DC once with an unexpected clown appearance. Unfortunately there was a "running out of the room whilst muffling screams" incident. Yep, this was DH who is absolutely terrified of clowns. He was in his 40s Seriously, if there was an entertainer booked for parties we had to ask for details. I once had to take a day off work for a party with a clown entertainer as DS really wanted to go.

Imagine the MN thread on that, OP and take comfort

Brit here. Over 18 years I hosted all our 3 children's parties single-handed and loved every minute. No parents ever asked to stay (probably glad of a bit of quiet), and I never asked them to. I planned everything down to the minute, organised the games and did all the food. This was totally normal for my friends and I. I never had a child throw up, cry for mummy or demand to go home. I would have hated any parents to stay unless there was a really good reason. Going to parties without a parent is part of growing up.

@CrispieCake In NZ there are very strict building regulations re domestic swimming pools down to the kind of gates in the fences etc so fears about this would not arise. This was a winter party and cozzies not mentioned.

One can be a reasonably cautious parent without imagining all the catastrophes imagined by posters. I preferred to have a helper, more as adult company really, at parties but we didn’t have any emergencies. First party was for 4 year olds and all were dropped off — but all were accustomed to attending (NZ) Kindergarten without parental presence. One expected to stay only as an adult guest if one was a close friend of the parents. Can’t ever recall behaviour problems. Uncommon to have parties in halls but sometimes in restaurants.

On the other and the law states one cannot leave children home alone under 14 years, so you won’t get Kiwi posters asking if it’s ok to leave their sick child at home whilst they go to work. If SS hears about it they’ll re around in a shot.

This

As PP have said she might have SN or might not feel comfortable leaving her if she has experienced abuse herself. You will have 15 girls in your home I would welcome her if she is happy to help out in some way.

Surprised this thread has run to 35 pages, but when it comes to telling other women off for being rude MN is onto it like preying mantis. They just can't resist an opportunity to issue a few queenly rebukes.

Unlike a good many posters on this site, I favour direct communication and do not see this as 'rude'. (It's also interesting to note that MN translation, rude very often means not responding with anything other than entirely what the other person wants to hear).

I therefore don't believe 'Jane' is necessarily rude. I also don't agree, OP, that she's weird. She's entitled not to divulge information about her child's neuro-typicality/diversity status, and you are entitled not to act on the basis of information to which you're not privy. You responded directly, not rudely, and according to your update the other mum has accepted your boundary. All's good.

Seems to me like a case of 'nothing to see here'. Hope your daughter and her guests enjoy a lovely party - you're a better woman than I am for taking on all that!

We've been to a couple of pool parties and they've always had lifeguards (as well as parents staying). But they've been run by parents who are able to risk assess properly and are well aware that it only takes a couple of minutes' inattention from a harassed party host for a child to drown.

If not a pool party and it isn't intended that the children will be swimming, I'd want to know that the pool was secure.

We have a pool in uk it has a secure cover and although my children have swum well from a young age you can never assume others can. Whenever kids had friends/parties I’d always keep a close eye if cover was open.

What a weird thing to consider rude (culturally or not) or an interrogation. She asked a question! She didn’t turn up on your doorstep and demand a three course meal whilst you hearded 15 kids and a face painter. Equally you could have told her no if she turned out to be a crazy lady (which, shocker, she wasn’t!)

Yep. Lots of people are arseholes.

Maybe she’s lonely and thought it would be an opportunity to make a new friend. But she was clearly barking up the wrong tree with you OP, you miserable git 🤣

Hope her party is as shit as her awful attitude!

Good to know. I think the UK is a bit more lax in this regard, probably because there are less private swimming pools. It's also more common for kids to be poor swimmers - my 7yo is a very weak swimmer (unfortunately combined with a certain degree of overconfidence), despite having a weekly swimming lesson for 2 years. As a result, I would be very reluctant to leave him at a swimming party alone and would not do so unless there was a lifeguard. As it is, we've had both parents present and a lifeguard at the couple of private pool parties we've been to and watched from the gallery with a lifeguard present at the leisure centre ones.

I would not say I am a particularly over-cautious parent, but water is one thing I won't take any risks around. Too many sad accounts of children drowning unnoticed, especially as we get into summer.

lifeguard for a party at a house with a pool, amazing

Op was completely rude. Made it clear Jemima’s presence was of no consequence to her. Totally reasonable that the mum doesn’t want to leave her child at a stranger’s home. I never did at that age. The mum’s reply shows that she was nervous about leaving her child and you just made her feel stupid unnecessarily.
Not everyone is very good at risk assessing parties for children. Dd went to one in a community centre, luckily I’d gone with her but it turned out to be a social club and they didn’t have exclusive use so there was all manner of strange men drinking there. For all this mum knows you could have pedo Uncle John going along to your house for this party.

The parents wouldn't have considered having a pool party without one.