To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

I haven't at all, I do hope the child has a shit party. It might make the Mum make better choices and then they will have better birthday parties in the future. She needs taking down a peg!

As someone who's worked with kids, 15 6yo wouldn't phase me for a moment (teaching assistant and nursery nurse in my time)

The only thing i admit i'm a little baffled about is what exactly it was in the moms text that you took offense to?

Things like this really highlight the difference between neurotypical and neurodiverse parents. My DS at 6 at a house party without me or DH....haha people have no idea. Sensory needs might mean wallpaper ripping so you had to watch him like a hawk, wasn't fully toilet trained, fridge obsession, tendency to wander off so all doors had to stay closed, spinning, and that was just thr start. He's more able to cope now but I'd still be hesitant to leave him almost three years later. What a shame that Jemima will go into school on Monday and hear everyone else chatting about the party and realise she wasn't included. This is one of the reasons I'm so glad DS isn't in mainstream school, if only to avoid narrow minded selfish stubborn thoughtless parents like the OP.

This thread is bonkers. MN is usually so in favour of women being assertive and setting boundaries but when someone does just that they are called bullies, self righteous, and lots worse. The poster hoping the child has a shit party....wow. I think you've lost any moral high ground you believe you had with that shitty comment. How horrible.

Op wasn't rude in her response. She stated the facts and left the ball in the court of the other mum who accepted the invite and doesn't seem to have an issue with it. There are some seriously unhinged people on here.

I would have said yes please stay and help. 15 kids and one adult is a lot.

You ok?

I haven't read the full thread and no doubts lots has gone down as it's loooong.

However, I can think of lots of reasons why at 6, the mother would want to stay. It seems very strange to have been so offended by the request.

A culture where 'directness' is fine but asking 'OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?' is rude?

Nope. OP over reacted to something that was not remotely rude and got defensive when pointed out. That's just as frowned on in NZ as it is in the UK.

You’re very unwise to do a kids party for 15 children as the only adult. Have you ever done one before, on your own? She could have been a big help, even with one or two of the kids. What if one needs you for help and another has an accident? Bedlam

YABVU.
An extra pair of hands sounds useful to me (even from someone you dont know)
Trying to cope with 15 six yos on your own sounds hideous to me, especially as you wont know most of them and they wont be used to your house (and thats me speaking as a former teacher of 6yo's)
Totally unreasonable to expect someone to drop of their 6yo to a house/family they havent been to before and leave them unsupervised too. I wasnt keen when mine were that age.

You sound like a nightmare, OP.

it’s another set of eyes that can help you watch the kids, so not sure why you feel like you would also need to “babysit” her. Give her a job, don’t be nasty. Also, the children are SIX… she’s not being unreasonable for wanting to be near.

Again, there are degrees of directness. As OP may appear rude to the English/British, this woman may appear rude to the OP.

I don’t think the woman was rude to ask, but nor do I think OP was rude in her reply.

She hasn’t said anything weird or rude? You’re reading far too much into her brief and reasonable texts.

You mention parents stopping for cups of tea but how could you possibly have the time to make cups of tea with 15 five and six year olds to supervise?

And saying your ex-DH and nanny are a phone call away is incredibly glib — you’d need adult help much more quickly if there was a genuine emergency

@thebestinterest I don’t think you need to be rude about the original poster

God, I used the be the one asking if I could drop and run. We clearly should've lived in NZ. Here it was the norm to stay with kids until about 9yrs old. Those sticky, sweaty, shouty, soft play parties, the pool parties .

This thread is mad! Of course the OP is allowed to have a drop and run party for her own kid in her own house. She doesn't have to rearrange the party around one random possibly over protective mum. If the child has SEN then it's up to the other mum to mention that (I say that having a child with ASD). It is not up to the OP to have to guess that this might possibly be the case. If the party is unsuitable for the child for any reason then the mother was free to explain or for the child not to attend. I'm amazed at everyone jumping on the OP. Her house, her rules.

Birds of a feather

(a) Suggesting a child has the option to not attend a party because they have additional needs is awful. (b) You don’t know the adjustments that might have been put in place at the after school club for her to attend.

YABU

Once again, sidestepping everything aren't you. You make little sense actually with your silly flippant answers.

Some nasty comments on this thread about special needs children. OP you’ve emboldened some nasty bullies hiding behind anonymous usernames

I’ve had to stop at page 31! OP you have been very unreasonable, answering back, taking the piss, using sarcasm AND irony …..as for knowing the plural of Forum, that’s going too far, you show-off

And as a result I have failed to weed the vegetable bed. But I forgive you 🤭and I hope your DD has a great birthday party!

YANBU. This is the reason I haven't done a home party for my kids, I just cba with a parent asking if they can come or assuming they will be hanging around either.

What on earths wrong with asking if you can stay though ?!
This place is so weird sometimes lol

Do you really expect someone to leave a 6 year old at a home where the parent knows nothing about you. I wouldn’t have done that, I’m surprised you’re surprised they want to stay. Not sure what your work role has to do with this either!

Think you need to chill out a bit tbh!

My sentiments precisely. Yet the thread has become a toxic minefield as to how ableist Mumsnet is, about its atrocious attitudes to children with SEN or any form of disability.

However.

There has been no hint whatsoever that the child in question has any of the above. Child's mum has confided nothing of the kind to OP, and OP can hardly be expected to act on an assumption of something that has not been divulged to her. People are not mind-readers (although reading various posts above, you'd swear some of them believe they are).

Various other PPs have it spot on. Many of these replies are bonkers.

For the record, my own kid is neuro diverse.