To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

I always message parents to get a vague rundown of the party. I also always ask to stay. Happy to help out or happy to stay in a corner out of the way, just let me know. My son has autism and drug resistant epilepsy. Most parents can't give rescue meds if he has a seizure so I need to be there. I have never had anyone be as rude as you've been when I've asked them basic questions about the party. You might as well have said kids with ASN weren't welcome. Jesus.

And in a classroom the teacher teaches. It reduces the level of supervision necessary by channeling the children’s focus into the activity. But now I’m just I’m just explaining things that are axiomatic to people who just want to argue with op.

OP said weather is bad. Party is inside. Why are people obsessing about pools and lifeguards during a NZ winter?

I don't understand why, as someone who has had therapy to help with boundaries, and who 'always prioritises their children', you have spent so much time replying to people on this thread. I also don't understand why you even posted in the first place, given you had no intention of changing your mind and are totally confident you are in the right (you aren't btw)

You sound really mean OP. When my kids were small, I always had house parties and I didn't care if the parents stayed or not. It was fun if they did stay and I made long time friends like that. Your lack of understanding or care of the mother's concerns is really telling too.

I'd ask what the plan was because it would be helpful for my child to know what was going to happen at the party, and I'd probably ask if I could stay for 5 mins at least to make sure he was settled and comfortable before I left. (He's not very good at not knowing the plan for the day and I've never left him at a stranger's home before.)

It won't be a personal thing against you at all that she asked these questions so I'd try not to take it so personally.

This is sensible but a more sensible approach is to get your children swimming well. Lessons only go so far, ours have never had lessons. Messing about in the water from babies on holiday being ducked under faces wet etc is far more important. I have nieces and nephews who still can’t swim aged 7 ish, despite holidays/lessons etc it’s insanity and an accident waiting to happen imo.

Yes. Rude, weird, confrontational, defensive, unreasonable, combative, everything everyone else has said. I cannot imagine how you manage simple social situations if you have a strop at a mum sending you a few texts and you wish the kid wouldn’t come and then post on mumsnet. I mean bloody hell.

OPs response was incredibly rude. A slightly more appropriate response might be something like this.

I don't have a lot of space for parents to stay for the party but you are welcome to stay a while until she is settled.

And op is the “ rude” one 🙄

You are a legend and this wins the internet for the day. I fully agree.

This

Fucksake.

I think you sound great op and I hope your daughter has an amazing time . Whole class parties are the norm here and my husband & I have often wrangled 30 kids at a party. Usually age 4-9 then their parties became smaller as they got older. We were always well able to look after the kids adequately and all patents dropped & ran! Tiring but great fun and my kids all talk fondly about their parties

Some children are very slow with swimming. A friend had represented her senior school for swimming so couldn’t wait to get her dc swimming as it was “her” sport. Both were started at 3 months. The quicker one was 9 before properly confident and the younger is even slower, now 9 and still needs flotation support. Apparently her DH was 10 before he was swimming well and it isn’t always something you can ensure.

Another completely unashamed ableist poster (SillyLemonZebra) Maybe you should go to the party and congratulate OP on the fact that all the "weird" children and "weird" parents didn't come.

Depends how it’s done. Lessons are the worst way imo (although appreciate not everyone goes on holiday). It is a “natural” activity it’s not like learning to ride a bike.

"Hope her party is as shit as her awful attitude!"

@Wills890 kind of lost your moral high ground there, hoping 6 years old have a crap birthday party.

I'm genuinely wondering if this should be nominated for classics

The responses to the OP are absolutely bonkers!

This thread is BONKERS! I’m Australian. OP you sound completely normal and great. The party sounds totally normal, a very typical party. No one stays at parties here unless it’s at a venue where you can sit somewhere out of the way with a coffee. I think Jemima’s mum was just sussing out what to expect so she didn’t awkward stand on your doorstep not knowing if she should stay or go!

WTF is wrong with you?

yabu. To the effectively suggest uninviting a little girl, which is what you did, is so unfeeling. I get that it is annoying and the heart sinks when a random parent asks to stay.
No one enjoys other randoms at their kids parties - but we get thru 3h for the kids. People parent differently and you sound quite intolerant of other peoples different parenting decisions.

I think it sounds like you have been direct in your messages and so has Jemima's mum. You set a fairly blunt boundary, she asked a fairly blunt question. You both sound similar in your approach which is maybe what riled you a little. I don't think either of you have been unreasonable. You're allowed to not want to host extra adults, and she's allowed to ask details about what her child will be doing in your care/whether she can stay etc. Sometimes when people have the same approach it actually causes a clash.

I wouldn't worry either way!

As well as the weekly swimming lesson, we have a one week summer holiday in a hotel with a pool each year (and spend most of that week in the pool) and we regularly take our DC swimming to the fun pool near us. DC is not afraid of water or getting wet unfortunately (we'd feel safer if he was!). It's not really a confidence issue in his case - swimming just isn't one of his strengths! We're hoping he just hasn't got it yet and will twig soon.

Why on earth would I manipulate the narrative around 6 y.o birthday parties

To illicit the response you want? Or to create the impression you want to create? Or to bolster/counteract an internal narrative which is making you feel insecure? Habit? To see if you can? Because you are a pathological liar?

There are lots of reasons why people behave like that, I don’t know you so I don’t know why you personally might do it.

As I said, it might just be that you have misunderstood the culture and genuinely think your idea of parties is the usual when it isn’t.

I definitely don’t know of/haven’t attended any ‘drop and run’ parties for 6 year olds- it’s always the other way In fact; if for some reason you did want to drop and run you would ask a friend that was staying to watch your child, or ask the host if it was ok to leave the child because clearly every unattended kid who needs taking to the toilet/comforting/scraped knees cleaning/bumped head icing/tantrum calming/ bad behaviour sorting etc etc adds extra work for the remaining adult/s