To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

In the nicest possible way, what, if anything, is he bringing to the table?

You seem to do almost all of the parenting, and bring in all of the income.

I have anxiety, I get that it’s not easy. No one likes job interviews, or at least most don’t. What would he do if you left? Refused to bankroll him anymore?

OP
From the quick skim read. to me,it looks as though he needs to get a lot more than a job in order to be a proper part of a small family.

Would you be happy if he just got a job and if he did, would he not complain more and do even less at home, if that is possible??

Have you had a good long chat and you have told him what he needs to do and not just find a job but help around the home now and when/if he gets a job??

Very constructive!!🙄

What is he bringing to the family/relationship then?
I'd seriously consider kicking him out.

He won't change, you need to leave. In the short term, cut him off financially. Pay what you need to pay bills wise to keep yourself financially safe but beyond that nothing, no pocket money, no luxuries, no money for hobbies, no money for clothes, petrol, nothing special on the food shopping for him, no trips or holidays with him. He is expecting you to do everything, he is not a SAHP and you have no obligation to carry him through life.

What did I just read? He thinks he's a SAHP but can't actually parent his kid for a full day??? Absolutely not. Applying for one job in two months does not count as trying. Tell him he should be treating applications as a full-time job (at least during school hours), particularly since he isn't doing anything towards the home either!

He isn't a good partner to you at all.

He is absolutely taking advantage. 5 hours a day exercising? Can't do phone interviews because he is top anxious?

I would not put up with that.

In the nicest possible way, what, if anything, is he bringing to the table?

He does do a reasonable bit of parenting at the weekends/after school - he gets DS ready for school and sorts his food after school. Although he lets DS have the iPad during meals so DH is listening to music a lot of the time when he is with DS.

Having said that, I have more time with DS whilst holding down my job too. I think there's a lack of balance.

I do love DH and don't want to leave him, but I feel he's ended up in a situation where he can just do what he wants pretty much all day, and it's not good for him. He's reverting to acting like a teenager and I don't want to be his mum.

I don't need him to be super ambitious and have just suggested that he look for a generic part-time office job (i.e. not connected to his former work) a few days a week so he can still have some time on his days off to do his extremely long exercise sessions.

Sounds like a cocklodger.

I'm presuming you're relatively young now so you're tolerating this nonsense. Unfortunately due to your husband's unusual and selfish behaviour, you will tire of him as time goes on and will feel compelled to leave him, unless he changes drastically. I think he really needs to get a job and to step up at home .

You need to tell him you're not prepared to financially support him. This was never discussed and if it had been it would have been a deal-breaker as far as the relationship even starting as far as your concerned.
Stop paying for things for him. Tell him to get a job as you don't want or need him to be a stay at home patent. He can't just opt out of financial contribution. I'd be giving an ultimatum and sticking to it.

To be fair I think it’s probably been beneficial for your child to have someone around full time through the hard patch 0-5 but now the baby years are behind you they could at least get a part time job especially as you are carrying all of the financial burden.

It sounds like you've been had OP, and he has no intention of working ever again. He lives a life of leisure while you work full time and care for your child, (and probably do all the house-work too).

He isn't paying NI so he'll expect to live off your pension too.

It's time for a very blunt conversation about where this is likely to lead if he doesn't stop taking the piss. How can you respect someone who is so openly lazy & selfish? I'd give him 3 months, after which, if no job, I'd ask him to leave.

So he has zero pension. Get rid. Lazy fucker.

If he had worked until he was 45 or so then presumably he has NI contributions and has his own pension.

If he has done the stay at home bit while your child was young; well I personally found that quite tiring and mentally difficult.

I think in your shoes I would be having a conversation with him about getting a job.

Don't underestimate the problems that finding childcare can bring though - if he gets a job then you may need wrap around childcare (can be difficult to find) and would you need to take full days off for all the school holidays? There are a lot of school holidays.

Maybe investigate what's available at your local school and in your local area. Find out if there are childminders that do drop off and pick up etc.

Obviously it would be good for him and you if he just got some work, but even of he made a decent stay at home parent and home maker that would be a start. How on earth can he watch you working full time and let you do the school runs and can't care for his child for a whole day. If his anxiety is so debilitating is he seeing the GP, if his self esteem and sense of worth is so low ,what's happening about that. Your child is seeing you accept this poor relationship.

You are being too nice. He needs some tough love now. He probably is anxious about returning to work after 5 years but he needs to bite the bullet. Be thick skinned about the moodiness. He is 50 and too young to retire and you don’t need a stay at home parent in your set up. I earn a bit more than you and my partner has a minimum wage job but still contributes a fair amount to the household budget which makes a difference to our lifestyle.

I can feel my blood pressure rising reading your posts!! How the f does he think it’s ok for you to do drop offs/ pick ups most of the parenting housework and earn the money!!!

Do you actually love him or the man he used to be?!?

He sounds like a man child listening to music and exercising all day… probably only helps around the house when “mummy” whinges

Im not one for ultimatums but you need to sit him down and tell him you are falling out of love with him as he isn’t being a partner… he needs to get any job or you will have to reconsider the relationship for your own mental health

Yes he should be doing more to help but women manage to be long term not working and being stay at home mums to young children or teenagers or uni student or even when they leave home

So why is it different for a man?

I was a sahp, I work part time now. Mon-Fri kids and house is my responsibility so I clean house, exercise, walk dog, look after kids.

Weekends we split it 50:50. Unless one of us is going out.

I wondered if this is a reverse. But who ever is at home, it needs to be an agreement and the at homebperson needs to contribute in some ways agreed upon jointly.
I'd actually quite like a stay at home person if they did a really good job of it , keep suggesting my husband works less.

At 50 years old and with his attitude to work it is obvious you are going to be carrying the full burden of your household and resentment will destroy your relationship.

Do not let love and guilt because he can’t support himself make you feel like you have a duty to provide for him. Think of your dc and the poor role model he will be.

Honestly the best thing you can do for him, and your family is tell him to step up or move out. And mean it.

Couldn’t agree more. But the fact he only wants to talk about football, violent crime and shite music would be a deal breaker for me even if he actually went back to work.

When you say " listening to music" is he actually walking around the house with headphones on?
And what type of exercise is he doing 4 hours a day? Do you have a home gym??