To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

He has to get help for his anxiety, that seems very very clear

Is he getting any help for his mental health?

The exercise doesn’t seem to be working as a coping mechanism if he’s still unable to function in the way he needs to. The way his need for exercise seems to only increase is also suggestive of a potentially unhealthy relationship with his body / exercise.

Would you feel better if he spent some time seriously working on getting his mental health under control with the help of professionals?

He needs to go to counselling. You need to insist.

This.

@NameChaneAgain please please - you have a leech. Get it off you. Ask him to leave.

I am so cross on your behalf.

Just how young are you op , because this is absurd? Your oestrogen levels must be insanely high to be not just tolerating this but simultaneously insisting you love this selfish, lazy, nasty, horror of a man.
There is no way on Earth you can possibly. When you do divorce him, and you absolutely will when the penny drops, you will wonder why the fuck you didn't do it sooner.

You are enabling his behaviour, time for an ultimatum I think.

It's really shocking that you do more parenting than him as well as having a full time job. He has a cheek to call himself a SAHP!

Something needs to change or this will be the rest of your life. If you have any respect left for him (& you may not) - give him the ultimatum. If not get your ducks in order & leave.

How are his IT skills, is there anything he could do wfh? Has he had counselling for his anxiety? Have you considered couples therapy as he seems to be ignoring your feelings. How is your son's relationship with him as it sounds like he doesn't parent recently just leave him to screens or you? There are plenty of people who are anxious but still manage to find some sort of work. I hope you can find an answer.

Sounds like he's in a very comfortable position and has no plans to get a job

Why isn’t he doing school drop offs and pick ups? Or atleast some of them (asking you want to do some)
You shouldnt need to take holiday when he’s off! If he’s a good SAHP he won’t be just using screens.
No job for 5 years? I would have got rid of him a long time ago. He sounds like a teenager you have to parent. What’s the point of applying to jobs if he won’t do a phone interview?! Did he think he’d just get hired off a cv?!

Could he be a youtuber or similar on other channels as then he wouldn't have to meet people. Could he take ds to a junior parkrun each week ? It's a low key way of meeting people

The iPad thing is a major problem with dads parenting and I'm suspicious some children are being iPad parented when dads get 50:50 so they don't have to pay child support. If your son is sporty it might be he could take him to football clubs etc but it could fall to you as well

I don't think it's bad op doing the school run if it gets her out the house too.

I would agree with at least taking steps to get a cleaner and gardener and at the same time talking about what he won't be able to afford when you pay for it, when it would be exercise for him. If he doesn't step up then go ahead and get one.

How can you actually love someone like this? He has no ambition, no self respect, he’s lazy and his interests bore you. You don’t love him, you’re just used to having him around. Time to cut the cord, he needs to put his big boy pants on and find a job. Although at his age, in a niche industry, with 5 years out of the workplace, his chances of actually finding a job now can’t be great!

I'm sorry but he's a total freeloader and he's playing you for a fool. He doesn't do his fair share of parenting. Being physically present a couple of hours a day is not parenting. He needs to interact and play and engage. Not wander about in his own musical world. You are being way too kind to him and he's massively taking advantage of.

It sounds like he has some pretty serious mental health condition going on. The amount of exercising, and his focus on it, are not normal. Not is his listening to music - to the extent that he can't interact with his child???

Something major needs to happen here.

The problem is that the court would look on him as the SAHP so if you divorce you may have to support him.

Why isn’t he doing school drop offs and pick ups? Or atleast some of them (asking you want to do some)

DS's school is near my work and I like seeing him so I don't mind this. It's more that I would like him to be doing something more productive whilst I am doing it.

I'm 36 for those asking.

Not trying to be mean, but I'm not sure I could stay with someone so useless.

You're doing everything and he has no incentive to change. 🤷‍♀️

I'd be issuing ultimatums pronto.

He unilaterally decided to retire at 45 without being able to fund it himself.

You wouldn’t have realised that at the time and it’s a situation that has gradually become more of a problem, so expect a lot of “where has this come from” comments when you sit him down and tell him you aren’t prepared to continue.

And you must do that because he is massively taking the piss. What does that say about his opinion and feelings for you and your family unit?

Tell him that it will be much easier for him to find a job than it will be to find a job and somewhere to live.

If you do split just be aware as he's not worked so long and claims to be a sahp (despite clearly leaving the bulk of it up to you anyway) he will probably get primary residency in a family court, he would get the house to raise the child in and you would pay him maintenance- if he decides to fight you on it. If you end up leaving you need to put child in childcare for a few months and have an evidence base that you are primary parent. You will be told you can get 50/50 by people on here and it's absolutely a possibility but there is a good chance you only get weekends as he doesn't work

It sounds to me as if you are just far too accepting of his arguments. He has managed to put together some kind of logical justification to why he 'needs' to live like this and you are all too willing to accept it. The line for me would be 'that doesn't work for me' as the response to pretty much all of his justifications. Unless you shift this somehow, you will look back at some point and wonder how on Earth you wasted your life on this situation. Once DS gets further into school life the demands will escalate - dressing up costumes, parties, homework, after school clubs, sports fixtures or whatever. I doubt very much he will pull his weight and all the oversight of this, which is a huge mental load, will fall on you. I think fundamental here is a change in mindset on what you are willing to accept as the status quo - until you change your position from accepting his justifications, you are stuck here. And what a poor role model he will be setting for your son.

I know you say you don't want to leave him , but honestly I can't see this relationship lasting. Your resentment of him will surely grow if this carries on. Maybe you need to point this out to him.

Has he even considered that his current behaviour might drive you away in the end? Does he have a plan of what he would live on if you stopped supporting him?

He sounds like a pointless leech of a man really, you are doing most of the parenting and also providing the main income. What does he provide other than school pick ups??

This probably isn't helpful but could he work in the school? Breakfast clubs, dinner lady(man) or school kitchen/cleaning work. I know you said he is anxious meeting new people but some cleaning jobs are lone working.

Sorry if thats not helpful. I can imagine how difficult it is for you getting him to look for work, especially if he is comfortable with things as they are.

My goodness what a waster.

I'm sure we've all met men like this burbling on about Music and vain about fitness, permanently either online (reading about true crime etc) or looking at his own biceps in the mirror. But. Most men grow out of this around 25yo?

Have one of my rare LTBs.

I think you said your DC is a son. If for no other reason, please leave this loser of a husband so that your DS learns this is not good role modelling

Jeez. I hope at least he has a seriously hot body from all this exercise and shows you a good time in the bedroom with it.

Either you are going to have to make your peace with having him as a dependent for the rest of his life or you have to start making moves to end the relationship and tell him that he gets a job and therapy or he's out on his ear. While I was at that, I'd be documenting all the times that you had to look after DS anyway or pay for childcare as evidence that he was, in fact, not the primary parent.

The longer this goes on, the bigger chunk of the assets he will take if you split. How are you going to feel if in five years he finds a new sugar momma and leaves you, and takes most of your pension off you to boot?

This will be it for the rest of your lives until you retire, Op. Your DH has obviously no wish to get a paid job again.