To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

Yup. Lose the cocklodger ASAP.

Possibly in denial. I’m just reading a few other threads in which men seem to be able to use separation/divorce/the legal system as a way of continuing to control women, causing them all kinds of misery. I’d be horrified if my sons did this to women.

OP, does your DH have wealthy and ancient parents? Is there a windfall coming his way that he’s perhaps banking on, and that may also change for the better your lifestyle?

Wow, men have got it absolutely made. A younger woman financially supporting him, and doing most of the housework and childcare whilst he does what he wants. I honestly starting to think men really are smarter than women.

I don’t want to be nasty OP, but good god, where is your self respect? He is taking the absolute piss out of you.

Why do you not want to pressure him? I would. He is of no use to you. He can take a job anywhere to get money coming in or fuck off.

He's not being a sahp, he's being a bloke who does the bare minimum and leaves his wife to take all the financial responsibility and do the lions share of the housework and childcare.

This isn't a partnership, he's taking the piss out of you, and your dc.

My friend had one of these, got a huge inheritance and decided to stop working, which was fine whilst he could afford it, but now he's running out of money, think 100s of 1000s of ££'s. But he still does fuck all. My friend does all the cooking, all the house work, runs the kids to clubs etc and all he does is the occasional bit of ironing, all whilst she holds down a full time job. Needless to say any respect and love she had for him has long gone and she's planning to leave him.

I disagree. Money is one way to contribute, but he is not contributing in other ways either. He is not supporting op emotionally, he is not running the house, he is not doing the parenting. He is literally useless.

I wonder what in your own childhood has allowed you to set the bar so unbelievably low for your partner.

This man would be a spoilt selfish individual if he was your 16 year old son doing a spot of babysitting keeping his headphones on the whole time

He is not engaging with parenting or paying the bills.

I think you need therapy to assess your acceptance of his behavior

He sounds a bit like my ex. I was the major earner so we knew I'd go back to work full time after having DD.
His idea of looking after her was to visit my parents or my adult DD so they really did the child care. As she got older he played on his pc all day & she entertained herself. He said playing on the pc helped his anxiety.
I'd come home from a full day teaching (with work to do later after DD was in bed) to find he'd done nothing. I had to be responsible for everything.
It made me cross & I lost respect for him. He ended up having an online affair & leaving for the other woman. I felt such a mug.
I'm now married to a man who works full time & is currently doing almost all the housework, cooking, shopping etc as I have cancer. I have so much respect for him & life is good. Before I got poorly we were very much equal partners in everything.
I'd suggest putting some ultimatums in place. And give him a time limit to at least start looking for a job. As a poster said, don't give him money, or pay for stuff for him. He's not being a sahp if he's not parenting your child & not doing housework & house admin. Unless he can majorly change his ways I'd suggest leaving him, you will be happier.

I think it's ultimatum time. He sees his GP for anxiety meds and he signs up for counselling and will have found at least a part time job by xmas or you're leaving. I couldn't live my life like this - it sounds crap. Sorry.

The only thing I can see is you're insisting on waiting for him to change. Why would he change, he's got life th way he wants it?

So you can suck it up or you can get rid. Although it might be tricky if he's a SAHP on paper, child benefit going into his name and him being supported by you for years. It might be you who has to leave and hope he doesn't kick up a stink about taking your kid.

He's happy in his world. He isn't going to leave it willingly.

What is he doing to address his mental health issues? Apart from withdrawing from any activity that might be remotely challenging?

I would have no respect for such a H. I do like a nice garden. Let him know gardening is good for mental health.

I agree. Ultimatum change. He makes changes, no excuses and you give him a deadline, or he’s out.

You’re 36!

I'd find the lack of ambition and effort really off putting and his attitude re just doing this really disrespectful. Being a sahp is fine IF a couple can afford it and it has been mutually agreed, not forced on one of the parties.

You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker and then have a very firm conversation.

Incidentally a colleague of mine had one of these and let it slide because she loved him. He left her last year for someone he met at one of his hobbies.

I’d be absolutely horrified too if my son did this. But how can someone be in this much denial, I find it difficult to understand to be honest. And what sort of role models are they both to their child. It’s sad.

What is the point of him exactly?
Isn't a SAHP, doesnt work - what contribution does he make?

Oh but he has his music, don’t forget.
An iPad to babysit his child so that he can listen to his music.

There are ways to support people with anxiety getting back into work as this can be challenging for sure.

There is a charity called the Richmond Fellowship which specialises in helping people get back to work after a gap, maybe they can help your husband.

He could do some volunteering as a stepping stone maybe, this is often a big boost for mental health.

I think the current situation sounds unhealthy and unfair and that resentment will build if things do not change.

Can you have an open and honest discussion about what each of you would like for the future? From what you have said your husband is really not pulling his weight in the family at the moment.

Ok that’s fair enough- I know a lot of us mums like doing it. Well he has no excuse then. He has hours everyday to get a job! Replacing it with exercise is silly. He can do that outside of work!

If he still can’t talk to strangers and it’s getting worse after 5 hours of exercise a day for 5 years it clearly isn’t helping with his anxiety, he needs to go to the doctors and try some medication. Unless of course it’s all just an excuse and he’s quite happy with the status quo, who wouldn’t be! spending all day exercising and listening to music, not even arsed to lift a finger with housework or gardening. What an awful role model for your son.

He isn’t going to change OP, he has no intention of doing so.
Walking around with his headphones on, shutting himself off from the world, from his own child is awful and will affect your DS.
You need to decide how long you can live this life….

Do you have shared finances?

if not I would certainly have them separate from now on. So he pays half of mortgage, bills, food etc.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

This is insane.
You can’t be working FT and doing the majority of the parenting when there’s a capable adult at home doing FA.

Whats the point of him.

He needs to be doing 90% of the parenting and housework.

Where do I find a partner like this where I can just not work and barely do anything at home but still get all my bills paid.
He must be laughing!

You need to give him an ultimatum, as he’s taking the piss!

You have to ask yourself what sort of partner would allow their partner to do all of these things and not feel guilty about it.

He needs to have got a PT job by the end of July and be doing the majority of the childcare and housework.
If he hasn’t then I’d end the relationship.

A partner is meant to be a partner, not a parasite.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music

Bloody hell I missed this bit!!

You have to take the day off even though his parent is at home not working!!

He is taking the piss and laughing at you OP.

Why are you being such a mug?