To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

Your DS is going to learn that this is the way men behave in a relationship. You need to leave. You'll likely end up being his carer in old age too, after he has brought so little to the table.

If he is as anxious as he says I would put my foot down that at the very least he seeks medical help.

There are lots of jobs he can do that don’t require him to be in a setting that he can’t cope with. Maybe a Postman would be good, lots of exercise and little socialising.

What is this teaching your son?

your dh needs some counselling - he sounds like his self esteem is rock bottom hence the focus on improving his body. A p/t job of any kind would help build that. He need to get back out there and do something

You need to have a proper sit down with him OP. Write the list of ALL things that need doing in the house, everything

• drop off pick up
• support with hw
• changing bedding
• cleaning daily (surfaces etc)
• weekly clean (bathrooms etc)
• garden

And so on. This list should include spending time with DS not doing other things.

Then write two further lists, things that you do/want and things that DH does/want

• work
• exercise
• listen to music

Etc

Then you basically walk through the lists, discuss how many hours each one takes and how to share the household tasks. You need to express how you are spending 37 hrs doing the things that enable both of you to live, so you cannot Then pick up the lions share of the household things. You can Discuss whether things stay in the list, so he may say, I don't want to do garden and so you can say OK I can do garden at weekend but that means I drop changing bedding etc. Or you say OK we Then pay for gardener but that means then there's less money for something else.
The issue with DH is that his mental list of household stuff is not the same as yours. You need to get on the same page on that

The cheek of him saying he is an SAHP! I have been one, and when I was I looked after two DC all day, did most of the housework, did the school pickups and definitely had no time to spend 5 hours at the gym.

OP, you are 36 and have settled for being sole carer and provider for an selfish lazy old man.
Think about therapy to figure out why your self esteem is so low as to think this is all you deserve.
He didn't half land on his feet with you!

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life, and is this the role modelling you want your child to believe is normal? Nothing is going to change unless you do something fairly drastic about it.

Do you think he's forcing you to make the big decision @NameChaneAgain ?

Whichever way you slice it and even accounting for anxiety/mental health, this is not a fair and equitable relationship and Co parenting situation.

He's not going to get happier and neither are you if nothing changes. It's time to have the big talk and how he reacts will tell you everything. If he's resistant, defensive and negative it's time to go. If he can acknowledge the gap then you can work on things together to a new place and work out what that looks like. You seem very balanced and understanding so very capable of leading and processing this conversation.

The switched off parenting and screens would be my red line boundary. Parenting is more than meals and clean clothes - parents need to be present or if effects little brains. You know this, you value the school run as it's a little ritual of connection. You can be present whilst working full time and you can be neglectful whilst being home nearly the time.

It's a ticking clock, once your hormones trip towards peri, this will be unsustainable.

Ah yes the illusive SAHP who doesn't parent. I had one of those and he literally did zilch bar keep the children alive. Also had MH but while officially engaged didn't take the medication not completed the exercises to help.

His exercise was education, so holds multiple very high level qualifications and never engaged with any supportive employment scheme.

Accompanied by other issues I ended the marriage it wasn't a partnership. In a fair partnership now, my only regret is I didn't do it earlier.

SpringerFall I was a SAHP for many years .Difference being I could manage the following : A whole day with my DC ,a dog ,Mum as well some days .Also managed a PT evening job,Students in Summer (Half board arrangement) All the housework barring hoovering, Spectacular amounts of laundry and home made cakes /biscuits . I am going to get stick for this ,but nothing pisses me off more than a lazy man! My Grandad worked till 65 and then PT till 70! Most put out that Nan was still working when he retired .Told her she would have to leave too .in case people started talking about him being a "kept" man!

I can't believe I'm reading this nonsense. Do you have good self esteem, come from a loving family? How can you NOT know that this is not ok. For you to even tolerate this. Why marry such a waste of space.

We all know industries are dying. You use your skills to transfer to something else. If you've got no get up and go, you don't. And to plead the old anxiety trump card to excuse everything is pitiful. Bet he hasn't tried everything, gp counselling everything, to address.

I don't think it's fair that he spends 4-5 hours exercise a day and then doesn't take on the responsibilities of a SAHP. There's nothing wrong with him being a SAHP if it has been agreed between you that this is his role, but it is reasonable for you to expect him to spend a good amount of the time you are at work fulfilling that role.

If you love him and want it to work out, you need an honest and open discussion with him about this. Maybe you could try couple therapy?

I would expect a SAHP to get DS ready for school, do school runs, clean the house and do laundry during the day, make dinner and do some activities with DS during the holidays when you are working. If DH has some free time to exercise during the day, great, but I think 4-5 hours is excessive.

Sometimes things need to change. I recently got a full time job after doing part time freelance work for many years while my DS were younger. Before I even started applying for full time jobs we had a good discussion about how things would work in terms of household tasks and management as I previously did most of it.

It has worked out well as we now share household tasks and DH has been happy to take on more, which has enabled me to manage the transition to a full time job.

His (lack of) actions suggests he doesn’t care about you or your child. If he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t love you either. He only thinks of himself.

You are only 36 and he is 50. At some point his body will start to wear out from all that exercise. 3 to 5 hours a day of exercise is amateur athlete level. Both amateur and professional athletes eventually find their chosen sport is no longer possible. What will he do then? You’ll probably have to pay for him to have knee surgery btw.

In 20 year’s time, he will be 70 and you 56. You will be enjoying more freedom as your child is a young adult. You will be thinking about getting out there, post-menopause, living it up. But oh no, he needs you to care for him now that his selfish legs don’t work anymore. So you’ll spend 20 years doting on him.

I could continue. It doesn’t bode well for you.

But it doesn’t have to be like this.

Oh just read that he is too anxious to speak to people either on the phone or in person. Yeah, I could not be putting up with this. I would lose all respect.

I’d echo what everyone else is saying. That’s just not sustainable for a relationship long term, but I wondered about small manageable steps for him (thinking about anxiety, avoidance etc). Is there an Andy’s Man’s Club near you? There might be if it’s a region with list industry in particular. They’re brilliant for meeting men’s mental health/peer support needs in an accessible way & might bridge the gap back into the “real world” for him (& you)?

Setting a very low bar here, OP, but at least you haven’t mentioned that he’s addicted to OnlyFans or sending money to dominatrixes, or playing computer games all day.

And he’s not having an online emotional affair with another true crime nerd.

So, it could be worse. However any of those could be risks for the future as he sinks deeper into middle-aged manchildhood.

What did my dh do when he was made redundant? He had 6 months as sahd, actually doing everything, then got a low stress job in local supermarket. He was suffering from depression too, but he was adult enough to know that he had to pull his weight. He was a similar age also.
This one is an absolute chancer.

So your husband has effectively retired, made himself financially dependent on you without even discussing it and become a recluse? You deserve better than that.

I think you need to talk to him as you have here and say 1) if he’s a sahp he needs to take over the sahping and 2) that he needs at least a pt job to get him back into society- because it sounds like he’s seriously removed if he finds so much so stressful.

You’re a mug.

Honestly, if you are only 36 this will only get worse. The longer you accept the situation the further away he is from ever getting a job.

He also must be painfully boring to talk to if all he does is exercise.

But you will do nothing about it.

Following (in similar position)

Seriously? What's loveable?

He's leaving EVERYTHING to you

At the very least, he needs to take on lion's share of house.

He can build his confidence up by at least doing voluntary work - that could lead to something

Beware of childcare - if you do find you've had enough he could go for more childcare - he could end up with the house and maintenance for your DC

christ, stay at home parent, the respectable title that the Netflix watching workshy use to justify staying home and leeching off their partners.. Completely undermining those who are actively parenting. Is he also claiming he’s helped you get where you are today?

look op. He’s not going to get a job. It’s that simple. You can’t change who he is. You can’t force him. So you either continue to put up with this and carry him or you end it.

You are absolutely right. But op also seriously lacks of action.

If he kept your house and garden in perfect shape, that would be ok if you were both happy with that, but he sounds like a lazy person who will do the least he possibly can.

I would be planning life as a single person.