To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

And what your DH held on to was self respect and your respect for him. 🌺

I've never known a single marriage whereby the man did not work and the wife did that didn't result in marital breakdown. I've known plenty of marriages survive whereby the man worked and the wife didn't.
You can be honest, you know: a man who doesn't get out there and earn is deeply unattractive in a way where a woman is still attractive - working or not.

Though I agree that it is true not working and not meeting others is not good for him.

But really even IF he did all domestic drudgery, childcare and volunteered (as a lot of women do) and met others while you worked you'd go off him.

I'm not quite as harsh as others and if he's got mental health issues, I sympathise with him but he is the very opposite of what I consider to be masculine and what I'd want.

Is a trial separation possible if you don't want to give up on him completely?

Could this be possible for you?

Poor mh doesn’t mean you get treated poorly and he is utterly selfish. You are his doormat/bank/mother, sorry, OP. Cut him off.

If you decide to get harsh, tough or leave him, be prepared for his symptoms to get worse, or he may even say he’s suicidal. Don’t be emotionally manipulated. If he does go down this route, that’s the idea opportunity to get him to the doctors.

Be brutal, if he’s not willing to help himself, go to go, start looking for work you’re not willing to support him anymore. If he mentions childcare, say you’ll get a childminder c, or point how little tries, and how much a normal sahp does .

Time to get tough.

Wtf are you putting up with this from him? He isn’t doing anything to for you or the family, he’s basically living off of you and doing what he wants. If you had a grown up daughter and this was her life would you want her to stay and put up with it?

Im a sahp if you want to call it that and my kids are 15 & 10! I have crippling anxiety but I know I’ve made it worse because I didn’t go back to work after having my youngest. The thing is that I do everything in the home and to do with the kids, I do school runs (my dh does drop oldest off on his way to work), appointments, illness, I keep the house clean and tidy, I cook because to me this is my job and it lets dh work without having to worry. Plus I feel massively guilty for not working! I’ve set myself a goal that by the time my youngest is coming to the end of year 6 I’m going to find a job, anxiety or not I need to get back out there.

Your husband is taking the piss, tell him to get a job or start doing 99% of house and child care.

@frecklejuice wishing you all the best in finding a job.

I am utterly aghast that you cannot see what an unbelievably manipulative and lazy piece of shit your husband is, OP. 😞