To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

The insinuation on this thread is that men are only useful for money... Nice.

I think you need to have a conversation with him, and be firm. If he has no interest in working, then he has to do his fair share around the house and garden. Give him a list. Tell him essentially that he has to pay his way as any SAHP pays their way.

A SAHP is cooking, cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids, doing the food shops, gardening, etc. If you're bringing in the money to feed him, clothe him, maintain him, for the roof over his head, car, petrol, entertainment... then he has to do an equal amount of work to justify his 'salary'.

What do you love and respect about him?

How does he show love and respect to you?

But his child is in school all day and he doesn't do the usual stuff at home like a SAHP would. He isn't doing housework, after school childcare or the mental load of raising kids. He can't even do childcare for more than half a day in the holidays because it stresses him out.....

Has he registered for the NI credits through child benefit?

Our situation isn’t dissimilar, but DHs NI record is up to date because even though I earn too much for us to get paid child benefit, we were advised that if we registered under his name but didn’t ask for the cash that he could get his NI covered. All seemed strange to me at the time, and they called and asked me to confirm that I wasn’t claiming the same, but has seemingly worked.

In our position, DH works for an industry that has been superseded by technology and he was made redundant about 4 years ago - he has done a few weeks of freelance work in that time and gets a small level of income from a rental property that is his and he “manages”; but only applies for jobs once in a blue moon while bemoaning that no one wants to pay him, so we live off my salary. He’s also 50.

In my case though, he does do the school run (unless he’s got a bigger plan such as a trip somewhere or a lo no walk).

But what has really made a difference to us recently is that we’ve moved into a house with an amazing garden and I’ve managed to motivate him into taking pride in the garden. So now he’s spending a huge portion of his time working on the garden and because he’s proud of what he’s doing, he’s started inviting friends (that he had lost touch with while being in his shell) to see what he’s done. He’s still got anxiety issues, but I can visibly see the improvement almost on a daily basis to his mental health which translates to starting to treat me like a human again.

I realise that you’ve said he doesn’t like the garden! But I wanted to share our story so you can see a strategy that’s building from a similar position and seems to be working. My story isn’t finished yet, but I really hope in a year or so he will be able to look back and agree that he’s in such a totally different place.

Good Luck! Only you can decide whether you want to stick with it, but I wanted to give you some hope.

I’m at SAHP as I have 2 kids and my son is disabled. I had no real choice.

I was a professional and retraining to be a different type of chartered professional when DS was born.

As a SAHP when son was aged 5

Clean the house from top to bottom
Do all laundry and ironing including weekly change all bedding
Organise all building works and servicing around house
sort all household finance eg mortgage/ insurance etc
Plan all meals
Cook at least 3/7 or 4/7 meals from scratch eg curries or hot pots or homemade pies etc
walk dog twice daily
Fetch Kids from school
Cook for friend more as we were limited in going out so people came to us.

For disabled son when aged 5

Clean up all poo incontinence eg pants, floor and sheets
Do all OT and SALT exercises
Follow the national curriculum and do intense school teaching 7-8 am and after school
arrange all disabled activities eg drama or SEN climbing/ day trips
Do all EHCP applications/ reviews and take on any arguments re funding.

As a result DH was free to stay over night if needs be or leave for London at 6am if needed. He could come and go with work as needed etc. He would often be at his desk until about 8.00 pm or more.

I have always treated it as a job and only that I’m old have things become easier as son is at life skills but there’s still the inevitable administration for him and organisation.

Your DH needs support to get back in the saddle. There is little need for a SAHP unless one partner works ridiculous long hours combined with a child having a disability.

You’re pretty much enabling his lifestyle. He needs to start putting more effort into the house like doing the gardening etc. It’s not a waste of time if it’s going to add value to your home. He can also apply for admin jobs or retrain as he has a lot of time on his hands and might possibly have transferable skills.

When you say " listening to music" is he actually walking around the house with headphones on?
Yes. And I do get especially frustrated when I have taken DS to school, picked him up, taken him to the park, taken him home, leave DS and DH for an hour so I can go for a walk and DH gives him the iPad and doesn't interact with him because he wants to sit there with his headphones on listening to more music.

And what type of exercise is he doing 4 hours a day? Do you have a home gym??
Small home gym with a few exercise machines and he has recently got into marathons.

He has always done a couple of hours a day since we met, but it became the default when a SAHP that he needed to do 3+ hours a day (which I could cope with as I wanted to see DS after work).

I do think that it's great that he's so fit and I know that it is helping him cope with aging, but I do honestly feel a bit frustrated that the amount of exercise he is expecting to be accommodated seems ever increasing. When we discussed last night I said that I didn't think that it was good for him to not work and just spend his day at leisure, and he said that his exercise was hard work so it's not like he's being lazy.

I understand where he's coming from but he's not really holding up his end of the bargain (to the extent that there ever has been a bargain) on the SAHP role and he's effectively blaming me for the fact his social needs aren't being met because I don't want to talk about the things he is into.

Has he registered for the NI credits through child benefit?

Yes. I knew about this so we always had CB in his name.

Both parties have to agree and be happy with the situation. OP is not.

I realise that you’ve said he doesn’t like the garden! But I wanted to share our story so you can see a strategy that’s building from a similar position and seems to be working.

That's a really nice story but whenever I mention the garden to DH he says if it were up to him he would just cover it with paving as gardening is a waste of time.

I think he wants working on his body/fitness to be his project, but I don't want that as it's clearly not making him entirely happy and it's not working for me.

I cant believe you have a good marriage based on your post. You want viewpoints on should you really have to discuss whatever shitty true crime netflix show he watched? That isnt the issue.

His terminal failure to contribute since he became a father is

and Jesus wouldnt we all want his life????
4-5 hours exercising per day is laughably ridiculous

Weeding is exercising.
Cleaning is exercising.
Home maintenance is exercising.

You have let this go on FAR too long.
I'd be having a sit down and saying i NEED to see change NOW.
Andrhen follow through and start making his life hard.

I am amazed you would go along with him doing this. I couldnt respect let alone sleep with my dh if he did this and after 5 years i imagine he'd have killed virtually any love i had for him.

Divorce is a poor option as you will be financially screwed (SAHP my arse) so you need to improve your lot.

As an example The ipad at mealtimes needs knocking on the head. It poor quality shitty behaviour i cant even describe as parenting.

Stop accepting the piss poor standards he offers.
Set a decent bar and insist he meets it.

edit
The bar would include paid employment.
Re he doesnt care about the garden - so fucking what? I do a thousand things per day i dont really give a shit about becausey dh does, my kids do or because its part of adulting.
Does he not give a shit your child might actually like a nice garden or YOU might enjoy a nice garde ???

He needs to get a job, any job just to get back into the routine, earn some money, meet people and more importantly, make a positive contribution to your family & life.

As many others have said, it sounds like you have a very uneven split. Anxiety is truly awful and can be debilitating - is he getting any help and support for it?

The reality is, if you weren't there, he would probably have to work! But he has you, so he doesn't need to. As you've rightly said, something needs to change. He either steps up and contributes to the household meaningfully by cleaning the house and gardening (all of which can be done while listening to music) or looks for a job, even WFH.

Also, a good gardening project (whether he thinks it or not) is brilliant exercise and also very good for mental health. And if he wants to pave it over, then he could equally learn how to do that.

Time for another tough talk but this time, you want an action plan.

Fwiw the job would be a secondaryissue for me.
The fact is he form what you have written he is a poor, low effort, thoughtless and self-absorbed father and husband.

If he wants to spend all day on a tread mill and the rest of the time either divorced from family life with earphones plugged in OR boring them to death with niche conversation topics, id be clearly telling him he could fuck off and do it somewhere else

Where is your anger OP????

When dd was 13 and she did school French student exchange we had to drop off another French dc at a pupils house who dd knew but not particularly friends with.
The df had stopped working a few years prior, not sure why, the dm, like you, worked full time.
The house was dirty and untidy. I felt so awful leaving that French student there.
i know I was judgmental that day. I still am.
Your dh needs to work and you can get a cleaner or keep the house properly.
Your ds will be judged on the state of your home.

I don't think I could be with him. what is he adding to your life?

Maybe because he's not pulling his weight in the house either. He's getting a free ride at OP's expense

If he's so into exercise could he make that a job? Get fitness qualifications and work in a gym or as a PT? Combine what he loves with work.

You seem very accepting and accommodating OP.

On paper he's the primary parent, so would get residency. It isn't as easy as leaving. You need to sit down and work out a plan now your DS is at school. Make a list of what you need to improve in the house. Then make one of what you think needs to improve for your DS, interaction/less screens etc. If he won't step up and If possible, then he gets less spending money because you need to employ cleaner/gardener/DIY people.

Do not have another child OP.

This is shocking, OP.

Your husband doesn't work. He isn't bringing anything to the table financially. He isn't applying for jobs.

He should be doing 100% of school pick ups and drop offs, covering all the holidays and sick days, and doing the majority of the housework.

He is bringing pretty much nothing to the table and he doesn't even seem to be appreciative of you facilitating his lifestyle. He's an awful husband and an awful dad and you would be miles better off without him.

It does sound like he is depressed, but fuck, you only have one life, OP. Do you really want to waste it on this man?

They generally keep the house clean and do activities with the DCs.

This is absolutely nuts! He needs to either treat being a SAHP as a full time job or get his own job. Also, he'll have no pension? So no matter how much you earn he should have at least a part time job to provide for his future (if not for the family). I also have bad anxiety and have had therapy and medication so I can get jobs and provide for myself. Would he consider that?

That is some loser you are with.
He retired 5 years ago, but just didn't mention it to you.
This is not normal but if you want to be a mug and put up with it, crack on.
You deserve better.