To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

Also to add, my partner has serious ongoing MH issues as well as a couple of physical conditions. Hes never been out of work and he would never let me shoulder everything.

Yeah agreed this is going to affect your relationship eventually. You need to address this urgently now before you stop liking him.

Also – what’s he going to do for a pension? Are you funding his retirement too?

Sorry, hit the wrong voting button, you are NOT being unreasonable

This is shocking. A SAHP who doesn’t do all drop offs, pick ups and most of the house work, while you work?

He is absolutely selfish, lazy and entitled. You must really feel taken for granted?

And how are you supposed to find him attractive?

A man's perspective here. He's a freeloading dosser. Why are you still with him?

He sounds equally spoilt and depressed and you sound like a saint. Has he seen his GP and would you both consider couples counselling? It must be so difficult for you-you can’t keep going like this, you will make yourself ill and he won’t even notice because he will be too busy thinking about himself, his exercise regime and days gone by.
💐 good luck.

I lack words OP. It's like you have another child to look after. It is bad now, but what would happen if you have suddenly lost your ability to do your job ? What about his retirement ? Does he expect you to subsidise all that ? What about holidays ?

OMG how have you kept your cool with this guy? He's taking the pics out of you big time he certainly doesn't respect you. If u are the only earner get yourself a gardener if he can't be arsed to maintain the outside tell him the more you spend on jobs the less you have in the pot. I would not be letting him have access to my hard earned wages either. I would put so much in a joint account then keep the rest for myself His anxiety is an excuse who do you know can spend that much time exercising how much freedom do u get to yourself? If this was my oh I would be saying if your not willing to work neither am I. We can both just hang out together until we have no money? HONESTLY your babying him are you going let your ds not work when he's an adult will he think women work men lounge around being a kept man. Imagine the world if everyone with mental health issues didn't work.

Why are you with him? He's coasting and playing you for a fool. You can do this alone, you already are.

DH has got used to sitting on his arse. He needs to man up and earn a crust or fuck off. He's embarrasing. And stop your boy using an IPad when he has his meals for God's sake...

He’s a a lazy irresponsible bastard.

He shows no love or respect. He’s taking the piss.

100% agree.

Mental health, my arse. Lazyitis more like. (Not aimed at you HolyZarquons … 😊)

My thoughts exactly!

He doesn’t want to see his gp! There’s no point getting couples counselling when he has a neon sign lit up saying ‘will not get off my arse for you’. The op should perhaps get individual counselling to support her decision to cut him loose….

It sounds to me like quite severe mental health issues. He's withdrawn from reality. Depression doesn't necessarily show as being miserable or suicidal. Men have mid-life problems just the same as we do. My DP hasn't been able to work for some years due to chronic depression and anxiety. He has tried. I've pulled the cart alone. (No benefits.) Okay, that's how it is. Your DH would be better in himself if he found even PT work but harassing him and laying down ultimatums won't improve the situation. He's made a routine he's comfortable with, yes, but could you cope with panic attacks and meltdowns if that were the result of pushing him into work? If it isn't selfishness it's mental illness. Would he see your GP?

I've been where you are, working full time, dh not pulling his weight as stay at home dad. We're now separated and I'm going for a divorce. It's no different since I did and paid for everything anyway, just adding on some childcare after school. My two boys are 12 and 9, so a bit older. But DH after stopping work when youngest was about 4, and asking him to work when youngest went to school fell on deaf ears, now in a full time job, because he's no choice. I lost all respect for him, but thankfully we're on good terms and he sees the boys lots. Not saying you should do this, but I'm much happier.

Is he ND?

Niche interests?
Anxiety?
Rigid behaviour?
Avoiding people?

Sounds to me like he’s got severe bone idleness issues!

My DH had a severe anxiety disorder and for the last five years of his life left the house only a few times, when it was unavoidable. Early on, when I became the one with the better-paying job, he dropped several hints about how he might like to stop work and 'finally work on that novel'... which I didn't receive particularly well, as I didn't want to get stuck in that job (long commute, long hours). So, as he was too anxious for interviews and wouldn't have been able to handle a commute, he started a tutoring business where the students came to the house, and built it up into almost full-time as despite the anxiety he was a talented teacher. He also applied to teach a remote course, was hired, then was hired for more courses and ultimately became his department's most popular lecturer - all without leaving the house, and while living with crippling anxiety. He did all the cooking as, again, he was talented in that department and I'm shite; I did all other housework. The garden was always an overgrown mess, largely taken over by nettles and brambles except for twice a year when I'd take a day and chop it all back. He was always 'just going to' do something about it. One time I got tired of a particular mess which had been there for several years; he came into the room while I was scrubbing it and said 'I was just going to clear that up'...

At the time I was often very angry about how we lived, especially about having to spend every non-work-related waking hour cleaning up after someone who worked from home. But even as I write this I'm crying, because he died suddenly at 57, after a massive heart attack. In retrospect, and after some research, I understand so much more about anxiety and how it can affect the sufferer, and I wish I'd been more understanding - or even understanding at all! - at the time. Given the hand he was dealt, I'm so proud of what he achieved.

I guess I'm arguing against the many here who say the OP's DH is simply a loser and is taking advantage. Some of my friends said the same to me, and I'm glad I didn't listen. If the OP's DH has an anxiety disorder, there are some very good meds available now - but it's also important just to understand what he faces on a daily basis and how even simple things can seem insurmountably difficult. The anxiety sufferer is always already carrying a huge mental load and doing constant and difficult work, even before anything external is required of them. And certain habits that might seem odd in a non-anxious person make sense once you understand. The constant listening to music resonated with me: my DH had the radio on 24/7 which used to drive me crazy, as I like quiet - until he said once that it drowned out the constant negative script playing in his head. Is the OP's DH perhaps not just indulging a hobby, but doing something that may be compulsive and/or necessary to deal with daily life? All of this can certainly make the anxiety sufferer difficult to live with, but if you love them I would argue for extra understanding, if you can, and for working things out in a way that doesn't necessarily involve ultimatums or requirements that just aren't possible for them to fulfil.

I would not tolerate this, my husband lost his job in the music/games industry, I became the breadwinner but he cleaned the house, laundry, ironing, cooking. He taught himself how to paint and decorate, he earned money working part time usually for people he knew. He paid his NI and never claimed a penny from the government.

He can not have it both ways - your sympathy and tolerance for his evident MH problems must be matched by his determination to manage them as positively as possible. This means exploring a variety of options, not just an over-reliance on working out at the gym etc. His avoidance of responsibility will have, by now, created more anxiety than a carefully planned challenge to get back into work. I'm sorry, but if he does not engage meaningfully with you to turn things around he is most definitely a selfish cocklodger who needs to go. Do not fall for the fear of him committing suicide without you. You deserve a better life than this.

OP sorry you're going through this. Will you be happy to carry him for the next possibly 40 years? Will he even get a pension?
Also research shows that adults do better at work if they've seen their father going to work.