To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

There is no reason for anyone to be unemployed. FGS we imported 1million people last year and still have low unemployment. The problem now is aside from his old industry dying, that is probably largely irrelevant as 5 years out and he is very deskilled.

There is no shortage of job, just not what he wants but time he sucked it up and started rebuilding his skills, even if he starts shelf stacking!

I just couldn't have any respect for someone like him when. He isn't a SAHP. He is just bloody lazy. Time you shoved the coffee under his nose and he started smelling it!

You must be a saint putting up with this

Get rid of him while you are young.

My friend was in a similar situation and when she kicked him out in her 50's she had to give him half of her pension. He has since received an inheritance so he's still sitting pretty and she's still working hard.

Good grief.
If it were me I would be giving him an ultimatum, he has two weeks to get the house spotless and the garden fit for Alan Titchmarsh to inspect or he can fuck off.
I would also expect an evening meal of a decent standard prepared for us all to eat in the evening, all washing, ironing and homework for DC to be taken care of. I would also ensure he was the default number for school to send all information to/call when DC is sick (I definitely wouldn't be using my precious AL when DC is home sick, that is what the SAHP is for, he can suck it up.)
He wants the privilege of being a SAHP (more time to himself, no boss breathing down his neck, no set routine etc) without fulfilling any of the role. I would be telling him as of now he can shape up or ship out.

Oh my god, how do you have any love or respect left for this useless, selfish, awful-parent manchild?!

Yes. He’s got too comfortable.

Who exercises five hours a day, every day (golf?).

You need to take the bull by the horns and be proactive. Sit down with him, write his cv, apply for jobs etc. it’s a horrible process and can be daunting. If he hasn’t got much current experience, send him to the nearest charity shop to volunteer and get retail experience.

So your DH is a stay at home dad that doesn't do any housework or cooking, spends all day doing what he wants, and whose idea of parenting is to stick your 5 year old in front of a screen?

I appreciate you say you love him but I would be very resentful of someone like that. He seems to be treating you like his mum and him taking the roll of a teenager!

Are you scared of him OP? Because I can't believe you haven't handed him his lazy arse on a plate a couple of months after he left his job!!! He needs to step up or step out of the marriage. There is no way, I could have sex with a man like this. Or even be in a room with him without losing my shit.

if he loves fitness that much he should consider retraining for a fitness career (online?) and working as a leisure centre receptionist while in training, so he can get his face seen and build confidence.

It sounds to me like he has created his own ideal fantasy land in which he has zero responsibilities.

Playing the mental health card is his get-out-of-jail-free.

Would he be open to couples counselling?

This would allow you (both) a safe forum where you can bring this all out into the open without him going into a sulk and running away from the elephant in the room.

His current behaviour is unreasonable and your growing resentment is entirely justified. He might well be scared shitless of getting a job which is why he prefers to live in this created reality which he can control. However that's not sustainable and certainly not what you signed up for.

Honestly, I can not express how unattractive that would be for me.
I'm sure you'll start to hate him eventually and kick him out

Is he bright, could he do some sort of course that would get him back into the cycle of getting out, thinking of different things, interacting with different people and using it in the workplace?

Fifty's not considered old these days.

He should get anything. A minimum.wage job will bring in extra money. Good idea perhaps for part time or term.time around your child. He needs to do the house stuff. Why is it fair for you to do everything ?

If he's so into exercise could he make that a job? Get fitness qualifications and work in a gym or as a PT? Combine what he loves with work.

I have suggested that and he refuses. He says he would get too anxious meeting new people.

I think the current situation is making things worse - he's not having to meet new people ever and so he's getting more anxious about having to ever interact with strangers.

One of my friend's has a DH like this.

He lost his job whilst she was pregnant and by default became a SAHP but did nothing except pick ups and childcare until she got home. He was 45. She eventually did 2 jobs and everything else. I knew it though, I could see that he was retiring. He spent his days "researching" and gambling. And preaching about consumerism.

Now of course he is retired but without much of a pension. I never understood why she didn't get rid of him. It's like having another dependent child.

I think it suits some people to live off others. But if they were single they would have to work.

Your DH needs a job, any job. Where's his pride?

You have done nothing but make excuses for him. This is the life you choose so suck it up. With a smile on your face so it doesn't affect your dc.
By the way, there is a life beyond pandering to men.

I'm quite an anxious person and I do understand how crippling it can be. But sometimes you've just got to do stuff!

He cannot use anxiety to not get a job. It sounds like an excuse because he's having a great retirement at your expense.

I agree. I really don't think this is about work. Let's say he did get a part time job a couple of days a week and then changed nothing else about his behaviour. I don't see how that would materially alter the situation.

Yes, I thought the same. In many ways, you’ve helped to let this situation arise. Guess, at first, you thought you were being supportive, and this situation has gradually developed, but now you entitling him to continue.

”Where is your anger OP????”

He's just a Cocklodger and unfortunately it will be expensive to get rid of him, he'll take your pension in the divorce.

Genuinely, I don't know how you can bear to be married to such a fucking waster! I'm so angry on your behalf that he gets to sponge off you to such an extent.

Where does he get his spends from?

Honestly OP, how do you find this deadbeat attractive in any way?

But you clearly have no plans to kick him out so you’ll have to put up with it. Seriously though, have some self-respect, this man is sponging off you and using his ‘anxiety’ as an excuse.

I suggest you look at divorce then. Might make him more anxious !!

His mental health sounds fragile. He's unable to cope with your DC and any house/family responsibility.

Sit him down and agree some rules as a SAHP for the next 12 months.

Firstly he needs to see a doctor for his anxiety, could he be depressed?

He needs to sort DC drop offs/pick ups. (He won't like the interaction with other parents).The household chores (unless you have a cleaner) and keep the garden tidy. You are working he needs to pull his weight. This should be non negotiable.

His exercises can be at another time when you are with DC or between drop offs etc.

Does DC go to any clubs yet? Cubs? Swimming lessons? Your DH could do drop off/pick up too. All these social situations to interact safely with people.

You need to support him to get out of this hole he's digging for himself. You are managing financially so park the job idea for 12 months while he gets his confidence back.

I assume you are much younger than he is?

Yet another reason why I think men should not choose to become parents when they are going to be in their 50s/60s with a toddler and then teenager at home.

It seems to me that you both have totally different expectations of life, are at a completely different stage in your life so I am not even sure why you thought it was a good idea to get together and have a child in the first place.

Best thing is for you to go your separate ways.

But I can actually see his point too: if it was a woman who wanted to stay at home to look after the kids while her higher earning partner went to work doing a job they enjoy the responses would be different but since he can't even do the parenting aspect properly you need to cut your losses and get rid of this burden.

Can you tell us a little more about the conversations that take place - so for example, him 'not being able to' parent him a full day - how did this first come about and what conversations have you had about it. Did he literally just say 'you'll need to take over at xx time as I need to listen to my music'
How old are you both?

He’s being pretty clear that he has no intention of working again or of taking on the full workload of a SAHP.

He hasn’t worked for around 6-7 years. He’s settled into a new way of life that he believes suits him. He won’t change. Effectively, he’s retired.

So you either leave, or you continue to carry the work of providing a living for him and your child, whilst also doing a considerable amount of house and child work, whilst he enjoys his hobbies, and allow yourself to be taken advantage of like this out of ‘love’.