Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

Don't have any. Sorted.

Just have your maid of honour and don't have bridesmaids or flower girls and then they all wear what they like and you don't offend anyone you don't include. Husband to be lives with your decision gracefully.

Super helpful.

OP I think I would choose his sister plus your two cousins.

That’s a ridiculous number of groomsmen/bridesmaids.

I mean while that is the simple answer, that’s definitely not what I’m going to do and it’s a black and white response.

I'd have been gutted if I was a younger sister and wasn't asked if I was under the age of 14. Depends how old she is.

Otherwise just have an MOH.

Either none or the niece.

Avoids your friends/cousins falling out with you by not being picked.

Just maid of honour, keeps it simple, avoids upsetting lots of people

She’s 26 - so not exactly “young”

I'd choose his sister, your cousins and your 2 close friends (not the work ones)

I would choose his niece and sister, plus your best friend as bridesmaids and ask your cousins to do another role such as be your witnesses or do a reading. That's based on the importance 8 place 9n family relationships, though - the relationships you consider most important might be different.

When I got married, we considered together who we wanted to have roles, then decided the most appropriate role for each person, rather than having each of us choose bridesmaids and groomsmen separately

I get why people are saying just MOH but I would actually like more than that! It’s just who that’s the issue. Ideally I’d have the 5 to match DP.

A bridal party this big will be hugely expensive, so keep that in mind.

I'd either just go with MOH, or go with MOH, your cousins and perhaps his sister to keep the peace, especially since he's having your brother.

He can have the 16yo if he wants, or get her to do a reading.

Niece, sil, your cousins. Easy to explain to friends that you're having relatives.

Having seen that the niece is 26 changes my mind - maybe just best friend and his sister

His sister and your cousins. Then you can tell friends you've had to keep family sweet and none of them get offended.

One option is to decide that bridesmaids will be family only - that gives you his sister and two cousins. Easy to explain to friends.

if you wanted to even it out and have 5, it’s cousins, two close friends, and his sister. I’d go for this as it covers the friend you were BM for.

His niece - his problem - he gets her to do a reading.

You’ll get lots of responses telling you to have whoever you want because it’s your special day hun.

I think you should have his niece and sister, as weddings are about joining two families, especially since your brothers are groomsmen. It’s the nice and mature thing to do.

Names in a hat? That's what my cousin did as she has such a large friendship circle so she put all their names in a pulled out however many bridesmaids she wanted

I think that you should ask him to pick extra groomsmen if you want to pick everyone and for things to look balanced.

It’s leaves out one of my core friends though who I am closer to than the others and is part of the same group, that would be so mean to her! I can’t have the other 2 and not her, I could have her but not the others if that makes sense?

Cousins, best friend and his eldest niece. Then it's just family and your best friend. And they will become your nieces through marriage.

Tbh I don't like the "traditional" point. I bet he has been happy to have sex before marriage and all the other benefits that suit him. Now it suits him to use it again.

If you don't want the nieces, then tell him its adults only because of the morning of getting ready etc, same as he is having adults only, and close the conversation amd pick who you want.

Also the DP does sound quite pushy, might be reading it wrong but this is an ideal situation to make it clear to him that you won’t be making your decisions based on what he thinks should happen. He thinks his niece needs a role? Then HE gives her a role.

Why is there pressure to decide on this now. You said the wedding is 14 months away. Who knows what position people will be in then. It’s possible that someone may be pregnant, have moved abroad or to the other end of the country, or any number of things.

I’d wait until the end of this year, at least, before making decisions.

Yeah I appreciate this view but I’m not sure it’s that simple.
My brother and DP are quite close, they golf together etc.
While his sister and I aren’t (not through a lack of trying mind). It’s so tricky!