Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

Definitely NOT the “work” friends. You leave, you’ll lose them. For sure. Never work.

I hope that you have a huge budget if you want so many bridesmaids! What is this new hell from the USA - groomsmen ????
Most, if not all weddings I’ve been to in Ireland and the UK have had the max of 2 bridesmaids and just one best man!

This is not necessarily true. I am still in touch with many of my ex colleagues from several different jobs.

I think this it what you wanted from the start. I don't know why you asked on here.

I suppose the normal - sorting her thoughts, venting about the pressure and checking whether there isn't some standard everyone except her is aware of, especially if she was doubting her approach after her fiancée's arguments.

The MOH you’ve chosen already

1. His sister - it’s important to include her if it’s important to him
2. His 16 year old niece as a BM and 8 year old as FG. (they will be/are your nieces too). Not counting the FG in your numbers.
3. very close friend 4 + 5) other two close friends.

I’d leave the cousins and work friends as guests

Currently planning our wedding. My two older bridesmaids are fantastic as they are not only my best friends but also highly practical and helpful - A type personalities.

I have junior bridemaids, (DF’s little cousin aged 14 and best friend's daughter aged 13) honestly it’s a nice gesture but expensive to include them in everything and they don’t bring any help.

DF’s best man is literally worse than useless. His oldest friend, but has shown zero interest in wedding, I don’t even know if he knows the date and it’s 3 months away…for example last month I had to take over and book and plan a stag as he had sat on it for 8 months and did nothing.

So my advice would be pick those who will be best able to give you advice, and practical and emotional support. It’s been a very intense year and my two best friends have been a godsend for my mental health. Whereas the best man has done nothing but piss off the groom!

Your MOH, two cousins, the other best friend and them I’m torn…

your two other friends (not the work pals) sounds like they come in a pair so it’s either them or his family.

how well do you get on with his sister and the niece. Whilst I love my husband there’s absolutely no way I’d ever have had his sister as a bridesmaid, as we simply aren’t close. If he’d suggested it, I def would have been bridezilla and held firm. You need your closest people around you’ll want their support on the day and lead up to it. And they will prob be helping you go to the bathroom!

Whatever you do, know that when you arrange a wedding and choose bridesmaids you are announcing a league table of friends and if someone expected to be in the top 5 and are relegated to ‘guest’ it’s going to affect relationships. Good luck!

Don’t pick his family.
my wedding meaning was my friends, my sister and my mum, all getting ready together. A fun, relaxed morning with the people you must care about.
It never crossed my mind to include female relatives of OH’s family…if I don’t see them regularly (once a week etc) for socialising, I don’t want you there the morning of the wedding.
Give other jobs out, tell the photographer they just be in a certain number of photos etc, but you’ll look back on this day, and the lead up that morning, and should just get to do it with your nearest and dearest.

Your bridesmaids will plan your hen do and get ready with you on your big day. You will want your favourite people for that. I would have everyone apart from the work friends, mostly because you need to make a cut somewhere and they are less likely to be upset.
Really it would be nice just to have your old friends and cousins but it sounds like it won’t go down well if you don’t have your DP’s family and you don’t want a load of stress and bad feeling on your wedding day.

It can be such a hard decision and I do think it's definitely more your decision than the groom, you need to be surrounded by your girls, the people who uplift you and support you on your wedding day!

I think a lot of people on here don't like big weddings or weddings at all so they don't understand why this is so hard and I can tell you're keen to please everyone. I don't know why they assume it's for Instagram etc... you're entitled to just want a big wedding! I'm Irish and we had 120 guests and that was considered a very small wedding 😆

My and my sister are super close but she hates attention so she was an "unofficial bridesmaid" - she helped me plan behind the scenes, planned my hen party, did all the bridesmaids roles but didn't have to stand up in the church etc.. I then had my 2 secondary school best friends and two adult best friends (we are also a group of 4 so the two other girls did readings). We had nieces and nephews on each side as page boys and groomsmen. My two sister in law's read prayers so nobody was left out and everyone had a job!
I would suggest dinner out with your friend group, maybe include the two work friends and talk to them about your dilemma and you may well find they are very understanding and wouldn't want you under pressure to have them!

If I was you though, I would have your friend as MOH, your three best friends as bridesmaids and his sister (just to keep the peace - my motto is kill them with kindness!). You could ask your cousins (if a church service) to bring up the offertory gifts or do readings and maybe ask his 16 year old niece to read a nice reflection, everyone has a job and is happy.
The work friends - I would just say, I really wanted to include you in the bridal party but had to limit numbers but maybe present them a small token friendship gift if doing gifts for the bridal party/readers etc...
If your DH to be isn't happy with niece jsut having a reading/reflection ask him to add another groomsman to even numbers a d add her but I would think if he's reasonable that the reflection is a lovely job

A lot of people are saying it's the joining of families so you must have the sister and cousin but sometimes friends are more like family and it's not possible to keep everyone happy, it's yours and your husbands wedding above all else.

I know everyone is saying it will cost so much but we hired suits, got my bridesmaids dresses off eBay (and my sister the same dress but opposite colours) and everyone commented and still do ten years later on how fab the dresses were, it doesn't have to cost a fortune.

I wish you all the best and remember it's about you and your husband and don't stress yourself over this, it'll all work out on the day 😊💗

Excellent 👌🏻 I'm glad you went with what makes you happiest and that your DP came around to the idea