Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

So if you want to equal it out 5 people would be everyone but the work friends.
A flower girl is a token thing not exactly going to join you for a hen do (I assume) does the 16yr old actually want to be involved I wouldn't have at that age and again I would include a child in any pre wedding things or want to cope with any drama that might ensure about dress, hair etc

Five bridesmaids is ridiculous.

This is just an expensive party. It will be over in one day. Treat it with the amount of thought it deserves (mainly focused on looking after your guests) and avoid all this angst.

What??

No chance in hell will his sister be my maid of honour - I barely bloody know her!!
My closest friend will be my maid of honour that’s a massive non-negotiable. She knows me inside out and will be my rock on the morning of!

I think it would really ruin your wedding if his sister was a bridesmaid. There’s clearly a back story with you trying to be friendly and her knocking you back. So say that to DH. Why have all that negativity on your special day? You’d have to spend loads of time with her. She probably doesn’t even want to be bridesmaid.

She can do a reading.

The issues here isn't that you 'dont know who to pick'. You know who you want to pick, but your fiance is pressuring you to involve his relatives.

Sit down with your fiancé and tell him why you don't want his sister etc. Because that's the actual problem, not this faux naive 'oooh I just don't know who it should be'.

We’re getting married in 2 years.

I’ll have one bridesmaid / MOH (my best friend). We will also have 2 flower girls.

not every relative needs a role. And if your DH wants somebody to have specific role / be in the bridal party? He should pick them himself! Not put pressure on you.

have them all!

just have the MOH and no one else.

A 16yo may well not want to be all dressed up as a bridesmaid anyway.

I do think this is what’s bothering me. For the better part of 5 years I’ve made every attempt to be friendly with her. She has cancelled numerous lunches/brunches/evening drinks hours before with no real explanation (I know you don’t have to justify not wanting to do something but making plans with someone 8+ times and only going to one or two and cancelling the rest last minute has left me a little sour). To then have her as a bridesmaid over someone who I feel actually cares about me makes me feel a little hard done by.

Yes DP is having my brother but they’ve been golfing together at least once a month often more for about 3 years? Heck he probably sees my brother more than I do!

Seems I’m going against the grain here but I wouldn’t pick his sis or niece unless you’re particularly close with them. As for the friends/your cousins, that’s harder and just go with whoever you feel closest too.

Well said!!
now find that conviction when it comes to your other bridesmaids.

go for a walk, meditate, have a glass of wine. Whatever works for you.

decide who you want (because you clearly already know. Why would you want a bridesmaid you don’t know? Aren’t close to?), make a list and allow your resolve to grow. Make sure that you are sure of yourself.

And then get up and tell your fiancé.

I think you should ask his sister. She’s going to be your sister in law for the rest of your life, might as well start things off on the right foot.
Your maid of honour is your best friend and your bridesmaids are your second best friend and two cousins. Plus you’ve got the little flower girl. That’s enough.
I think the other four friends will understand.

Now you’ve said more about your history with your soon to be sister in law, I would like to change my answer from MoH,two cousins, stbSIL and niece to MoH, two cousins and niece with stbSIL doing a reading or witnessing the marriage. You could have your friends as wel but it all starts spiralling out of control re budget then I think

The close friend/MOH and the 8 year old flower girl. Anything else is OTT unless he is a member of the royal family 😂 or there is someone else from the list you desperately want.
workmates come and go and neither of the older women on his side sound like you are very close. Keep it simple.

If you want five bridesmaids in addition to your MOH then do the sister, niece, two cousins and the second closest friend.

Your other friends will have a lot more fun as guests - much more relaxing, and they’ll be able to hang out together.

Your family and his family will be happy and you can strip worrying about it.

You need someone to find out how each of them would feel about being a bridesmaid first. Some people just want to turn up and enjoy the occasion. Are you paying for everyone’s outfit, make up etc? Some people don’t want the expense and even if they’ve had you as bridesmaid, they may have had enough of all that and just want to turn up to the event. After that I’d do like previously said and stick with family members, that way you do not upset friends- at least if they’re reasonably sensible you won’t, hopefully!

Honestly don’t do it. You have tried and she has been unfriendly. Not your problem anymore. Do not be pressurised! You don’t want to look back on your wedding day with regret. It can be quite stressful so you need people in your corner and you need to feel relaxed. Best friends who know you very well are best.

Like I said, I actually like my SIL but there was no pressure to have her as a bridesmaid so I had my friends. It was fine! These traditions are very outdated.

What do you mean ‘get off on the right foot’? She’s tried for years to be friends with this woman and has been knocked back. That’s just plain rude. You think her being bridesmaid will change it? That she’ll suddenly be all pleasant to the OP?

You decide how many of each you want, he picks the groomsmen, you pick the bridesmaids, neither gets to interfere with the other party's choices.

Can sister and niece do readings at the wedding? I wouldn’t expect to be bridesmaid at my brothers weddings! And I did readings when they got married. If you have your cousins and closest friends as bridesmaids, doesn’t that add up to 6?

If you want 5, plus MOH to match his 5 plus best man, I'd choose:

• your two cousins
• your close friend
• his sister
• his niece.

You don't have to have equal numbers though - it feels like he's picked and you're trying to fit to match? Where really you should be able to just pick who you want, rather than effectively 'making up the numbers' (which sounds harsher than I mean it to!)

To me you've separated out your closest friend for a reason, so it should make sense to your other friends why you'd include her and not them - people know you can't have everyone? And I don't think the folk you socialise with through work would at all expect to be included with such key roles?

I also don't think you have to have his niece, she could have a role doing a reading or something similar? But it makes sense to include her as part of the 5, if that's the ideal number.

Have you actually asked his sister if she wants to be your bridesmaid, if not , why ?

This is the sort of overly emotional language that makes me think you're being a bit over the top. Why do you need someone to 'be your rock'? I'm sorry to hear you've lost your mum, that must be hard. But the wedding morning doesn't need to be angsty, you can just have some fizz and get your hair and makeup done with some tunes on.

Leave out the two work friends and the two only 'close' friends, explain you need to include some girls from his side, they should also understand your two long term best friends have to be in. That would leave four, I wouldn't chose between the just 'close' friends, do both to make six or neither.

It seems to be the unpopular option here, but at the end of the day, its your choice and you want people there who you would go to, to ask for advice and support. If you're not close to his female relatives, then don't choose them. You could always have them be witnesses or do a reading instead to include them in the day.

Either just have your MOH, or MOH and 2 cousins. OR if you want to have the same numbers as other half, 1+5, then have MOH plus 2 cousins, 2nd closest friend and 2 close friends (ie all YOUR choices except the work friends). It sounds very much like they are just general good work friends and like others have said if you went to a new job the relationship with them would change a bit purely for the fact you wont see/talk all the time.

My sister is getting married in a couple of years and has already decided who she is having - and it doesn't include her partners sister! She has a better relationship that it sounds like you do with your SIL or niece, but she just couldn't imagine her been in the room getting ready on the morning of the wedding. Instead she will be one of the witnesses.