Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

Have who you want of adult age friends and relations and the 12 year old. I only had one "obligation guest" person to my wedding, (to avoid upsetting one of my parents) but decided early on that it's our wedding and we only invited who we wanted to share our special day with. I only had my daughter as a bridesmaid and my sons as page boys. I didn't have any adult bridesmaids or a maid of honour.

It’s still plenty of time. If he is pressurising you for this what else does he pressure about.
you are going to upset someone

Seems like every suggestion someone offers you come up with a reason as to why it won't work.
However, I think it would be strange to have work colleagues who you do not see outside of work as bridesmaids so I would just have them as guests.
I do not think a work colleague would be upset about not being asked to be bridesmaids.
You seem to be concerned about having the same number of people on each side of the bridal party, not upsetting any friends, returning the favour for your partner's sister and not upsetting his nieces.
Therefore, I would have your best friend as maid of honour.
Then your cousins, partner's sister and his 2 nieces as bridesmaids.
So you both have your one plus five others.
And you don't have to worry about leaving out any of your other friends because none of them will be chosen over the others.

I haven’t read the thread but I’m of the opinion that being a bridesmaid or groomsman increases the probability exponentially that you won’t remain friends in the long term. 🤣

so on that basis I wouldn’t choose anyone I wanted to remain friends with!

Is a groomsman what we used to call an usher? I have no idea who you should pick I'm afraid but I have never got over the fact that 40 odd years ago my (only) brother did not have me as a bridesmaid. His wife was an only child and just had her best friend as MOH.

Choose your friends/cousins!
I would want people who I can trust would plan a hen that I would like and it doesn't sound like his sister could do that as you don't have much of a relationship with her. Also would want the best atmosphere/vibes possible for getting ready on the wedding day and you will have that with your friends, not people you hardly know.
I wouldn't expect my brothers partner to ask me to be a bridesmaid personally, we see each other a handful of times per year. We get on fine enough but she doesn't know me well enough to be a bridesmaid.

I wouldn’t pick the work friends as you said it’s a work relationship so they won’t be bothered they aren’t bridesmaids, the 16 year old is to young to attend the hen do could she be a ring bearer? Id definitely pick cousins but if one’s already married does she have children/ Ttc it might be worth asking if she wants to be a bridesmaid if she has other responsibilities or she might be pregnant by the time of the wedding.

Unless you’re close with your DH’s sister then don’t feel forced into having her. I felt obligated to have my SIL who i wasn’t really close with and she was a complete cow in the run up & on the day !!! Still feel bitter about it several years later lol. You need people there who care about you not making it all about themselves.

From your list, I would go with your bestie & 2 cousins.

Weird take, you don't have to be married to be pregnant, and just because you're married doesn't mean you have/want children

This is a problem I'd have. I have two sisters, one I speak to daily and one I don't really speak to unless she turns up at my parents begging for money (we haven't got along for 10+years) I have two female cousins, my partner has a sister, 2 sister in laws, 2 nieces and 3 female cousins, then I've got my childhood best friend (since we were 3, we're now 39, godmother to her daughter 11)and a newer friend who I speak to daily and am his mother to both her children (1 girl 4, 1 boy 10 months) now I wouldn't want any of his family, don't get me wrong I love them all (except one cousin) but I don't want them to be bridesmaids. I'd definitely have my younger sister, probably my two best friends and my god children.
At the end of the day it's your choice,you have who you want with you on that walk.

I would compromise and pick his sister but not his niece. As someone else suggested, she could be asked to do a reading or something similar if he wants her to have a role.

Then have your MOH, your two cousins and the second close friend that you mentioned.

I don’t know why you posted on here, because you find a problem with every suggestion. Just make your own mind up. You have plenty of time. And it is weird that your future husband is so invested in who your bridesmaids are. My husband left that to me. And it is also a weird mindset to think you have to give every relative a role at your wedding. Why? You both sound quite immature.

I’m team bride - as in pick the people YOU want to share the special (and potentially stressful) moment with. Who the the people who make you feel good and supported? Pick them.
i wouldn’t pick the work friends as you already say you don’t see them on weekends, likely they won’t be in the picture if you or they changed jobs.

family on his side can be given other roles to make them feel important.

fwiw, I had 3 friends as bridesmaids. I also have two cousins who are very important to me, so they joined us in the morning getting ready and I got them the matching getting ready outfits. But they paid for their own hair and make up (I paid for bridesmaids) I also had special cousins photos with them prior to the wedding similar style to with bridesmaids. I’m pretty sure from their point of view they felt special and included and not offended they weren’t bridesmaids. And no regrets from my end I got to spend special moments with those I lived

I’d do your bestie and your brother. These are your people standing up for you! We need to get rid of the antiquated sexism there.

then your hubby can pick whomever (ie his sister) And if you can’t decide between the rest ( I’d say no to the work Mates, they fall away fast once you stop working there) they probably aren’t good picks anyway.

I’d think about longevity rather than people you see now. I moved to London and obvs the friends I spend all my time with here are not my ‘best’ friends like my oldest ones from school and uni who have stood the test of time.

if I were you I’d have:
MOH
Second best friend
cousins x 2
his sister (it is nice to include his sister).

the other groups of friends I’d leave or you end up with 4 more and they will have a nice time together in their twos anyway.

My theory is you have sub consciously put these options in the order you would prefer them - so ie cousins are first so ask them and his niece. Then if you are building up to more ask those next best friends as well

Well you can have as many bridesmaids as you like. Id prkbably go with family and close friends for the bridesmaids. The little ones to be flower girls and the work friends can still be a part of thr bridal stuff like hen nights but will take pressure off you and them to not have them as bridesmaids. You have to find dresses, makeup etc. I think id rather just go to the wedding and enjoy the day if i was them insteadnof having to get heavily involved in the planning, id also rather a smaller group of very close friends to do this stuff with

Sister and your two cousins although nice to have the 8 year old sister too...

I would go for your second very close friend and his sister as definite.
Personally I think a smaller number of bridesmaids is better but if you want more than 3 I would put those left in this order:

his niece
cousins (only if you still see them regularly)
2 other close friends

but definitely wouldn’t be asking the work friends , or the cousins you grew up with if you don’t see them much anymore.

Pick people your relationship is unlikely to change with in day 5 years. What I mean by this is, I only got married 6 years ago but our wedding pictures are a snap shot of that point in our lives, people from work who we no longer work with and therefore don't see, I used to have a horse so far allot of friends around this but after losing my horse 3 years ago I don't see them anymore. Family for these roles are a safe bet and usually reliable. If you want to keep it even have the two very close friends as well. I wouldn't choose your work friends personally

I agree with your decision op. I don’t get this SIL tradition at all. If my brother marries his partner, i wouldn’t expect to be a bridesmaid at all. We live 200 miles apart so i wouldn’t be a proper support to her as you say. I think you’ve made a good choice. I think it would be odd to have someone as an adult bridesmaid you’re not close with.

Why?

Whoever you don’t choose, can you give them other roles such a reading or something to make them all feel included?

It has all been decided now but thanks everyone.

MOH - Closest Fried

Bridesmaids - 2 Cousins, Other Very close friend and 2 other close friends

Partners Sister and Niece currently don’t have a role, niece will be offered a reading and if partner decides he wants his sister to do something he can ask her!

He wasn’t totally thrilled when I told him but he’s accepted it now.

I had 7 bridesmaids (incl MOH) and 2 flower girls, the more the merrier! I would have his family, your best friends and cousins. I probably wouldn’t have the friends from work though