Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

Pick who you want to have. It’s your bridal party. That’s what I’d do if I was getting married.

It will be abnormally large Id say - we both have a lot of friends/acquaintances and there will be a lot of “obligation invites”.

Id have your MOH and then family so his cousin and sister etc. Simpler than trying to pick friends.

This

Are any of his groomsmen from your side?

If not I'd be picking exactly who I want. Your friends.

Unless you’re close, there’s no reason to think his sister should be a bridesmaid. At 26, how many women expect to be bridesmaid for their brother?

WRT the 16yo niece, the only issue is balancing her involvement with her younger sister, the flower girl. Many 16 year olds wouldn’t want to be a bridesmaid; they may also feel obligated to say yes if asked. I suppose you could find a different role for her, but honestly, I think it’s fine not too. Her sister is much younger than her.

Id say your two best friends plus your cousins.

I agree with this.

I think the two cousins and your three closest friends. You don’t put the groom’s family in the bridal party unless the bridge is also close to them.

How about picking the most laid back, and those with similar figures so there aren't issues over the dresses as most dresses don't suit every frame.

I suggested laid back to avoid dramas as I'm forever reading about wedding dramas on mumsnet.

I had 1. A best woman rather than bridesmaid. My best mate. 80 person wedding. About to celebrate our 20th anniversary.

Went to a wedding a few years back with 27 bridesmaids. Very few women at the wedding weren’t wearing the same clothes. (Also 80ish people at the wedding.). It was very weird and they split up 2 years later.

Keep it simple seems to be the best way.

This all sounds very stressful. I think 1 (the one you've picked) is enough. Boyf/fiancé sounds very intense. I'd nip that in the bud before you get married. Remember, it's just 1 day.

Is the SIL the mother of the flower girl - in which case it may be helpful to have her as a BM - not to help YOU on the morning but to make the 8yo more relaxed and comfortable.

No, best man is the father of the 16yo and the flower girl.

I would go with your best friend as MOH, then your two cousins, his niece and his sister. Don't have any more of your friends other than the one best friend, because then you're into crazy territority for numbers if you have them all, and you're potentially hurting feelings by selecting. The family members are more important. This way you don't get sucked into any ridiculous hen party nonsense either, and can just have a teen-friendly afternoon tea.

It doesn't matter in the slightest if you're not close with his sister. That's not the point. Joining your families is the point.

Have them all! But with low key expectations. Ie: wear a green dress, cream/white shoes and you provide a hair piece or something. All do your own hair & make-up. It's inclusive, makes them all special, but low stress.

I wouldn't have your work friends and I wouldn't have anyone from his side of the family personally.

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings

This gang! His family, his problem x

What if I wanted a ridiculous hen party though 👀, Jokes I know I can still
have that either way!

It is helpful, I didn´t have any either and it sorted any problems before they arose.
My mum refused to have kids as bridesmaids and only had her adult sister and best friend. That also sorted many problems she was seeing arising.

In my opinion bridal party is who bride is closest to and best man/groomsman is who the groom is closest to. I don’t really agree with having family in either parties just for the sake of it or out of obligation. I’m getting married similar time and I will be having 3 or 4 friends. Dh will have his 2 best friends. He was a bit conflicted about his brother so I’ve suggested he ask his brother and 2 young nephews to be ushers. Our 2 kids will be page boys. SIL won’t be in my bridal party just because she is my DHs brothers partner. I wouldn’t want to be bridesmaid for her out of some perceived obligation, I’d find it awkward being BM to someone I’m not close to.

Just have your best friend as "maid of honour"/witness. She can sign the register. You don't need any more, and it looks much more elegant to just have one person with you.

This - if you aren’t close to his sister don’t pick her. I’m friends with my DH’s sister but she wasn’t my bridesmaid. My closest friends were. Because that is what I wanted - nobody was offended.

I’d go with:

MoH (your best friend)
2 cousins
16 year old niece
Flower girl (8 yr old niece)

Then ask his sister to do a reading.

This means the 16 year old has to be somewhat in charge of her little sister. Also it makes all the adult bridesmaids ones you actually know and love as your friends / family, while still giving honorary roles to the younger members of your DP’s family.

It is easier to leave out lots of friends than just some - shows that you have mostly family bridesmaids so they needn’t feel bad about not being included as lots of other friends aren’t. They can be all a big group of beautiful friends together.

And his sister doing a reading is a notable thing to be included in the wedding - she’s older than the niece so less daunting for her to do it.

His sister and niece, your two cousins.

I would go with your best friend as MOH, then your two cousins, his niece and his sister. Don't have any more of your friends other than the one best friend, because then you're into crazy territority for numbers if you have them all, and you're potentially hurting feelings by selecting

Exactly this.

I did similar. I had my closest friend as MoH and my two sisters as BM's. There were three or four other 'candidates' but choosing between them would have been total headwork.

I would go best friend, next closest friend, 2 cousins and his sister. You are leaving out 2 close friends but at least 2. Fine to leave out nieces and again 2 of them. This way, you have 5 as well and good mix. You have his sister so matches him having your brother.
Also - your partner shouldn’t be pressuring you. It is your decision and it is 14m away! If anyone asks him he can just say you’ve not decided yet.