Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

Jeezuz!!
I would elope!

What do you want bridesmaids to do?

Because mostly they just wear dresses and go in the photos.

There isn't really a job description and you may find whoever you pick has very different ideas of what is expected of them.

If your MoH is already the organiser then that part is covered.

• Some emotional support - I guess what many would turn to their mum for
• Hen party planning (MOH could do this I suppose)
• Most of the groomsmen will “host” a table so Ideally bridesmaids would do the same

People invariably tell high maintenance people what they want to hear.

I hope you have a lovely day but it sounds like my idea of hell and a product of today’s “look at me culture”.

Having said that it’d be a dull world if we all thought the same.

It's not selfish to pick your own bridesmaids.

Tell your fiancé that you have chosen per your list (I'd go for friends rather than work friends if it was me) and you didn't tell him who to have, so he doesn't get to tell you.

Once you've decided, then you won't have to keep discussing it or thinking about it.

If you really want to, you could just have your choices plus his sister and niece. 7 is not that different to 5. His sister might say no anyway as she doesn't want to be friends with you.

I'm really excited and happy for my friend who's getting married.

I have been for other friends at important times in their lives too.

Life can be crappy and I find it uplifting to celebrate the positive things in our lives.

And the rest..! Dress alterations too. I had three bridesmaids and it cost more than 1k once you add everything up.

OP, I'm not one of those people who thinks weddings are OTT and you should get married in a New Look dress in the local registry office, but being this highly strung 14 months in advance doesn't bode well. It seems super important now, but it's really really not. I had a big wedding last summer, loved it, but all this stuff isn't really important. The main thing is who do you want there on the wedding morning as you're getting ready? I'd suggest having three 'maids of honour' to organise your hen, be there the night before/ in the morning etc (your best friend and two cousins) and two bridesmaids (DH's niece and sister) who can be as involved as you choose. They could maybe come along on the morning which gives you the night before with just your close group? But it'll keep DH's side of the family happy. We made a few decisions due to family pressures that we maybe wouldn't have have chosen in an ideal world, but it was no hassle really to be the bigger person and in the grand scheme of things it set the marriage off on a positive note.

OP, I can promise you with absolute certainty that your 2 'work friends' won't be disappointed at not being picked as bridesmaids, in fact I suspect they'll secretly breathe a sigh of relief.

If your hell bent on matching your fiancé's numbers, I'd have MOH, his sister, his cousin, your own 2 cousin, and 'second very close friend'. This should cover most bases, and anyone else is probably unlikely to be massively bothered either way.

Geez, you sound like a great friend. Not. I was incredibly interested in my sister's weddings and the details. I was interested in my friends weddings. I wouldn't have missed them for virtually nothing.

Grooms sister as MOH
2 cousins as bridesmaids

I was very interested in all of my close friends’ weddings 😊.

I have told lots of friends that I am fascinated by their analysis of one near identical wedding dress over another. Because telling them they were boring me witless is rude.

However a harsh lesson of my own wedding was that no one was as interested in it as I was

Then have your friends and cousins and own the decision.

Just have all of them, sheesh

Maybe you don’t have much excitement in your life if a wedding is a highlight. I find that quite sad really.

Who has your fiancé chosen for his? As in - all friends (I get your DB is family, but also a friend in his own right?) Are there any obligations he should have thought about and hasn’t? Any younger cousins knocking about that he’s ignored?

sounds to me like he’s getting all his mates so you should have yours. Why do you have to have family just because of their sex? And why do numbers have to match? I’d have your cousins and friends (not the work ones), 16yo and 8yo to keep the peace and not the sister.

what else could his sister do? Be a Witness? Give a speech? Organise something?

also - whilst you probably have to invite the sister on your hen do, you do not have to include a 16yo niece in an adult party. I don’t think it would be fair to make your hen do cater to an u-18. You could of course have a bridesmaids afternoon tea if you wanted to do something to include her, but really would she not just expect to rock up on the day wearing a nice dress?

People on here are so joyless 😂. Enjoying your best friends’ weddings isn’t ‘sad’ and it doesn’t mean you have nothing else going on in your life.
My friends’ weddings have all been a nice day at a nice venue with some food, drinks, dancing and fun with my some of my favourite people. On top of that, I get to see my friends happily marrying someone they love. Why wouldn’t I enjoy it?

Don't marry a sexist twat who 'won't have women on his side'.

He sounds tedious and like you'll be assuming responsibility for his mum's birthday etc forevermore

I’d go with your MOH, his sister, and younger niece who is the flower girl….or just your MOH and sister if you think the older niece will be upset if not included!

I'd go either

Best friend
2 cousins
1 very close friend
And 1 or 2 of close friends (depending if you are happy with 5 or 6)

Or
Best friend
2 cousins
Sister
Niece

His sister and your best friend

Yes OP. Don’t pick his sister. You’re not close. Pick who you want. She probably doesn’t want to be bridesmaid either.

Weddings have some silly traditions. I chose to ignore the ones I didn’t like.

She has her best friend as MOH! Of course she should. Not the sister who she is not close with.

I'd have all of them except the work friends and SIL.

Ask SIL to do a reading.

Once you've got more than 3, I think you might as well go the whole hog if only to avoid anyone feeling snubbed.

Here is your answers this is what you want. So do that. Have his sister witness your marriage and the 16 year old read something