Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

My SIL was 26 when I got married and we didn't have her as a bridesmaid. We aren't close. We asked her to do a reading instead.

Oh sorry yes. It’s three close friends isn’t it? Have six then! Doesn’t make a lot of difference, also another reason for DP to be the one to give niece a role.

or stick to the family only.

think that’s really your two options

1 x MOH friend
2 x cousin
1 x his sister
1 x his niece

Weddings are joining families, they also stick in your life longer than friends (even if you would prefer they didnt)

He's having your bro as his groomsman so you have to have his sister really

Why do you need the same amount of bridesmaids as groomsmen? I didnt think it was a british tradition for them to walk down the aisle in pairs like in the US? Usually the best man is already at the front with the groom and the ushers don't walk down the aisle?

I wasnt a BM for any of my super close friends, they had family and it's really not a problem at all. I had relatives, my children were then BM for then, maybe their kids will be BM for mine, and so on

I'd have the sister, purely so you don't need to put up with the aunties chatting about you excluding her. Then your cousins and your best friend as MOH.

That leaves one more slot if you want it equal (but again, the expense! 12 suits and dresses, 12 pairs of shoes, 6 sets of hair and make up, 12 gifts). I'd go with the second best friend as it doesn't seem to leave anyone out.

Look, you obviously don’t want to have the sister or the niece, so don’t. But just be aware it sends quite a clear message that you aren’t “welcoming and embracing” his family and will probably upset your husband. I would have been quite upset if my husband had refused my male relatives to be part of his groomsmen. Were his sisters my number one choice of bridesmaid? Of course not, but for me weddings are about family and becoming one family, not me needing to be special princess for the day who has things exactly my own way.

I think you should include someone on your DP's side.

When I got married I had my best friend as MOH then I chose my youngest cousin and dh's youngest cousin.

Dh had my brother as a groomsman

Personally I’d go for your two cousins, your fiancé’s sister and your fiancé’s niece. It would be unkind to exclude the niece given the other niece is a flower girl.
Your friends will still be your friends regardless and I think it’s kinder not to pick your ‘favourite’ out of them. They will still enjoy your big day.
Marriage is, imo, about bringing both families together, not so much about your side/his side!

Nicer in the photos for symmetry, everyone has someone to dance with etc etc.

Not compulsory by any means, but it's the norm to pick the same number on each side.

I didn't have any. You don't have to

MOH, cousins, close friend, sister, niece. That balances with his best man + 5 groomsmen

Well, I think if your brother is being a groomsman, then it isn't unreasonable to ask for his sister to be a bridesmaid. And I can definitely see the argument that you can't have one niece in the wedding party and exclude their sibling, it's hurtful.

You could have neither niece though, and you have your bro as a bridesmaid and him have his sis as a groomsman. I think lots of people aren't so focused on gender for these roles any more.

Personally, particularly if you want to even out with your dh's 6 roles, I'd have best friend and closest other friend, 2 cousins, sis and niece.

Bear in mind that 5 or 6 bridesmaids is going to cost serious money, dresses, shoes, hair and make up, flowers. You will make a good dent in a grand

Who do you actually want? I think you should do MOH your closest friend, cousins, second close friend, dh sister. Agree with pp about weddings are to join families so it would be a nice gesture even if you are less close.

Niece does a reading (or if by any chance musically talented plays instrument/recording of instrument while you sign register)

It isn’t that I don’t want her as a bridesmaid, I’d the numbers were infinite absolutely.
However when it comes to what the role of a bridesmaid is, I’m not sure it makes sense to have someone who isn’t close to me (and again I’ve tried) to be there every step of it over people who I am close to and would want to spend the time with?
On the morning off I can’t imagine her being massively supportive where as my friends would be. Same for his niece really.

He decided to have my brother as they are friends in their own right, all the groomsmen frequently golf together/go to the pub for football/go to the cricket together etc. I don’t know if he’d have picked my brother if they weren’t friends?

What do you want bridesmaids for / to do?

To look pretty in photos?
To keep you calm?
Help you on the day at all?
To help organise anything such as hen do?

I had 2 adults and a child.
1 adult, best friend, to look after me.
Other adult, cousin, to keep my Mum calm and look after the child who was her niece.

So six for both.
Him a best man and five ushers.

For you -- two best friends, two close cousins and his niece and little sister. (Other niece as a flower girl also.)
If any of your choices don't accept the roleor are hugely pregnant or would prefer to be a guest with their husband or child etc. choose another from the two other close friends.

You are having such a big bridal party that I think it would be rude to exclude the groom's nieces and little sister.
It is more fun at the reception when you have a large group to eat with.

If you want to have fewer groomsmen and bridesmaids you could swap one or two from that role to being just an usher or they could do the readings or sign the marriage certificate as a witness.. (thinking brother, sister here)

Have your cousins, his sister and niece, and your v close friend.

Definitely not work friends

I think it would be mean to have one niece as a flower girl and leave her sister out all together . Unless she doesn't want to do it? Maybe she could at least do a reading or something.
As for the rest of it was me I'd have cousins and his sister. I had my husbands sister as a bridesmaid.

Well as you didn't like the suggestion made by @GennyLec, you're probably not going to like my suggestion - ignore any and all females on your H2B's side of the family. He can have who he wants as a grooms man or an usher but he doesn't get to pick who the bride has as bridesmaids. That's 100% off limits to him (and as a result to his siblings/cousins etc).

You get to pick from your friendship group. Whoever you want but pick wisely because far too many posts on MN are of bridesmaids asking has the bride gone all bridezilla or the bride herself asking if she's going all '-zilla' on the arrangements.

Is this going to be a huge wedding? I don't know anyone who had more than one BM/MOH. I didn't think the gaggle of bridesmaids thing happened outside instagram and American films.

I don't recognise this at all from weddings i've been to. Especially not the having a partner to dance with? Is that aristocratic weddings with ballroom dancing rather than a normal wedding with dancing in groups?

That's what I would do in those circumstances too

Honestly I think if it were purely up to me I’d pick
-Very Close friend
-2 Closest friends or Work friends undecided here
-Cousins
However I appreciate that he has my brother and that picking just my friends could be seen as very selfish.

My mum passed when I was a toddler so at least of my bridesmaids will probably take on a pseudo-mother of the bride role. MOH is an organisational wizard so will be the main point of contact between bridal party and wedding planner