Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

I had 4 bridesmaids and I am not in an American film, and married before Instagram existed. In fact I’ve been to approximately 30 weddings and bar one, they’ve all had multiple bridesmaids.

I personally find it awkward to be asked to be a brides made for sister in law unless we were really close.

I would choose your cousins, his nieces and his sister.

I missed that one niece is confirmed as flower girl but I still don’t think you need to choose other niece. Good luck!

You don’t need to have exact matching numbers on both sides. DH had 2 best men and 5 ushers. I had one MoH and one bridesmaid, and it made my day so much calmer not having multiple people around trying to get ready.

Can your cousins also have an usher role .. not strictly traditional but why not!

You should have niece and sister, your MOH and best friend.

Or just maid of honour.

If he is having 6, I would have best friend as MOH, close friend and his sister as bridesmaids. Then flower girl and your cousins as bridesmaids to save choosing between friends. Give his other niece a role such as doing a reading.

I'd go with very best friend as MOH and 2 cousins. Let other friends know you'd love to have them but politics, blah, blah.

In terms of your DH to be's expectations, I'd ask the 16 yo if she would like to be a bridesmaid. Depending on the 16 yo, it could be their worst nightmare or she might just like to choose her own dress etc. If she does want to, she might be helpful to hang out with the 8 yo and be a familiar face walking up the aisle etc. If 16 yo would really like to then have her and his sister (unless he can be persuaded to palm sister off with a reading or witnessing signing the register?).

That gives 6 in total, 2 are children (ish), 4 adults. 3 are people you have chosen who have known you a long time and would support you.

Why does everyone want the sister to be a bridesmaid when they are clearly not close? Is it just because of ‘tradition’?

Just go with MOH and flower girls (i.e. any female relatives young enough to do that role)

Ask him to stick to best man only.

Give special roles to other adults you are close too.

For what it’s worth, I had my DHs sister as bridesmaid, I didn’t know her super well but over the years we have grown closer and I was her MOH at her wedding last week, 12 years after my wedding.

I had stuff like this happening when I remarried. SD immediately said she was so excited about being a bridesmaid, my sister didn't want to be, my best friend would have been my choice, husband wanted nieces. I decided not to have any. Job done.

See I think this is why it’s difficult. We want the big wedding party, cost/dynamics don’t change this.

I want it to be my cousins and friends but feeling like I have to pick 2 people who I don’t know well or have much of a relationship with is what complicates it.

My BIL and his wife had 29 matron/maids of honour, bridesmaids, flower girls, best man, ushers and ring bearers for their wedding. Totally over the top. She insisted rest of the family wore either black and white, or silver. My MIL had bought a blue dress and that wasn't allowed so SIL took her shopping and made her buy a different dress to fit the colour scheme. MIL over course had to pay for the second dress. There was a whole lot more I could add.

Best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers 😂😂😂

What do groomsmen actually Do?
Seems a ridiculous amount unless you are getting married in a cathedral with side aisles.
In the days when most weddings were in church their only function was to help get the guests with hymn books, orders of service and get them seated (and they were called ushers).
Bear in mind that the bridesmaids who aren't related to you may not feature in your life in a few years time, but your relatives will still be relatives. I thought that I had played safe with just having sisters (mine) and neices(DH) as bridesmaids and having my best friend to read a passage from the bible. Its been 30 years since we got married and I haven't spoken to (former) best friend since 2006.

No one is going to be able to answer this for you. You need to make a decision.

Most likely that your work friends will fade away once you change jobs, have a baby or move on. I would choose his sister because she will be there for the long run and it doesn't matter that your dh is already close to your db, it will look like a really shitty thing to not equally include his sister. Surely you can see that.

Your 2 cousins
Friend
Sister
Niece

Done

Yes but you are going to look really shitty for excluding his sister when your db is included. Surely you can see that. You could do whatever you want but you will start of your marriage on a bad note with upsetting your dh and his family. Up to you.

A friend's daughter had this problem and got round it by having her best friend from primary school as MOH and only children as bridesmaids. She then had some "bride's women" who were credited as such in the order of service and sat together in a pew at the front to one side. They had a common colour theme but otherwise wore want they wanted. Each had a role in the wedding eg one played a piece of music, one did a reading, one was a witness to the register, one made a short speech before the cutting of the cake.

I feel like I’m sounding like a bridezilla when that’s not my intention. I’d just rather be surrounded by my friends than someone I don’t know and a 16 year old who I think would change the vibe quite significantly.

I think I’d rather have my 4 friends (one as MOH) and 2 cousins.

It feels odd having to pick his sister when I’ve made attempts at friendship which have been knocked back?

What a palaver.

I would have your maid of honour and the flower girl, then offer the niece if she would like to be bridesmaid. 16 is a tricky age, my DD declined to be my bridesmaid at that age.

It is worth bearing in mind that other than the bride and occasionally the groom, nobody else is in the slightest bit interested in a wedding. Most people would rather be doing something more exciting instead.

It sounds awful to me.

Perhaps I’ve misread my friends then as they all seem excited and have definitely been subbing in on the mother of the bride role for me!

My dad and his parents also never stop going on about it and have their own invite lists.