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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH in a bad mood because I'm home late?

214 replies

syndromeImposter · 13/06/2024 12:08

I've just started a new job, huge step up so I'm not my usual pre organised self.
Messaged DH last minute at 5 saying I was out for drinks with a client, that I'd be later than normal. Asked if he needed anything. He requested beers. Messaged hour later asking again if he needed anything, he said take away. There were no good take outs near. So picked up beers, salad, chicken and pizza from a nearby deli and headed home.
Messaged an hour and a half later saying I was on my way with beers and pizza and he lost it.
Saying if I told him earlier that's all I was bringing in, he would have driven out to get food & beers - that he didn't want to wait for deli pizza?
Have I done something wrong or is it just because I'm late?

OP posts:
RubyOrca · 14/06/2024 13:22

I’d be pissed - you offered food and failed to deliver. This is on you.

You were several hours late, not just a little. You implied you were on your way back, but weren’t.

When I got your message I’d assume, as many others have said, that you were home soon. Despite being capable of making dinner, if I was expecting you home with food - I most definitely would not, because I would expect you to be really annoyed if you went and got dinner, told me you were bringing home dinner, and instead I decided to cook.

You were wrong, and can likely reduce the tension by just - apologising. It being hard for you to get food wasn’t his fault! Part of his complaint was that if he knew you weren’t bringing ready-to-eat food he could have got stuff. You asked - repeatedly. You were controlling this event.

It might be that if your job often requires you to stay late at short notice and not be sure when you can get home that eating together isn’t a good option - and maybe you just both cook and eat independently - no waiting for the other person. Or maybe when you are held up you know to make clear statement that you expect to be a few hours late. Your first message could be taken for being 30 min late - but you were a few hours late!

NewName24 · 14/06/2024 13:34

fieldsofbutterflies · 14/06/2024 12:50

She shouldn't have offered to get a takeaway if she wasn't going to bring one home.

And nothing OP describes makes me think he's not a decent person - she's the one who kept asking if he wanted anything, then offered a takeaway, then turned up several hours later without one.

If my DH said he was bringing home a takeaway, it would be a bit bizarre of me to then go out and get one myself, lol.

Show quote history

Exactly.

A Poll would have been interesting on this thread.

I agree with this
So, given your update.

WHY were you offering takeaway/beers pick up?

It makes absolutely no sense.

fieldsofbutterflies · 14/06/2024 13:57

poolemoney · 14/06/2024 12:53

You’re acting like she didn’t try to bring a takeaway.

Weird how you lot think a man sat on his arse 5 minutes from food is a ‘decent person’ but that OP, who is working late in a new role with more responsibility AND brought home food is the devil incarnate.

I repeat, if he were any sort of decent person, he would said ‘syndrome, you must be tired due to working late. I’ll get us food’. He knew she was stressed from her new job but added to her stress. That is not a decent man.

And OP saying she is not as organised as usual tells her that she is probably always bringing this man food whilst he sits on his arse.

Edited
Show quote history

Why are you conveniently ignoring the fact that OP is the one who kept texting to ask if he wanted her to bring anything home, and was then the one who offered to bring home a takeaway for them both? He didn't ask her or expect it, she bloody offered!

If my DH text me and said he was working late but would stop by the chippy, I wouldn't start cooking dinner or ring out for a pizza, I would wait until he got home and eat the food he said he was bringing back Confused

If he then turned up with a supermarket pizza and a salad, I'd be pissed off that I'd waited for hours for something I could easily have made for myself in the meantime.

OneTC · 14/06/2024 13:59

redskydarknight · 14/06/2024 12:36

I take it if your partner says they are coming home with takeaway and then turns up 1.5 hours later without takeaway, you would be perfectly ok with this then and wouldn't make a single remark? After all, you could have had a fish finger sandwich to tide you over.

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Yeah of course I'm not a baby. Work happens, shit happens, if this is the kind of thing that people stress over I hate to see what happens when something goes wrong

Cornishclio · 14/06/2024 15:03

If you were two and a half hours late I would have told him to sort his own meal out much earlier. Drinks don't take that long

dcsp · 14/06/2024 15:47

@Cornishclio I'm not sure about "Drinks don't take [2.5 hours]". Drinks taking 2.5 hours (or 0.5 hours, or 5 hours) is fine.

The problem here is that it would seem that:

  1. The DH assumed from the OP's messages that she wanted him to wait for her to get home, to have tea together
  2. The DH took the OP's second message to mean she was on her way home
But she didn't mean either of these things that her DH assumed.

So what's happened here seems to be down to miscommunication.

jannier · 14/06/2024 16:42

poolemoney · 14/06/2024 12:46

She looked at the takeaway places, they weren’t good. So she bought beers, salad, chicken and pizza from a nearby deli.

I would be perfectly OK with that.

She can’t magic up a takeaway.

If he were any sort of decent person, he would said ‘syndrome, you must be tired due to working late. I’ll get us food’. But he didn’t, he waited on his arse, even though he was 5 minutes from takeaway places himself.

Edited
Show quote history

She was drinking after work and bringing food home

poolemoney · 14/06/2024 16:44

jannier · 14/06/2024 16:42

She was drinking after work and bringing food home

Show quote history

Going out with a client for drinks is still work.

And he could have just said I'll bring the food as you're busy.

jannier · 14/06/2024 16:44

OneTC · 14/06/2024 13:59

Yeah of course I'm not a baby. Work happens, shit happens, if this is the kind of thing that people stress over I hate to see what happens when something goes wrong

Show quote history

In this case more drinks happened she was in the pub....do you live in Stepford?

jannier · 14/06/2024 16:46

poolemoney · 14/06/2024 16:44

Going out with a client for drinks is still work.

And he could have just said I'll bring the food as you're busy.

Show quote history

Of course it is for hours and she offered so why would he think it's a problem for her?

poolemoney · 14/06/2024 16:53

jannier · 14/06/2024 16:46

Of course it is for hours and she offered so why would he think it's a problem for her?

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Yes, of course it's work. Why do you think it isn't?

It wasn't a problem for her, she looked for takeout, couldn't find it, so bought pizza and chicken from a deli.

It was a problem for him. If he didn't like it he can buy something else.

Cabincrew1 · 14/06/2024 17:22

As soon as I seen the caption I knew it would be about his stomach 🙄 he’s an arse you are not unreasonable.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/06/2024 17:26

If my husband asked if I wanted anything, I’d assume he was on his way home, not 2.5 hours later.
Wouldn’t shout about it, though.

Kjpt140v · 14/06/2024 18:08

Two and a half hours. How far do you live from work.

mandlerparr · 14/06/2024 18:18

If I had to guess, I would say he is reacting more to your new position and schedule. Some people get really upset when schedules change. You kept in contact, so he can't get upset about that. Although he could be upset about your home time constantly being pushed back. I think that since this is a new thing for you, you should sit down with him and explain that since this is new to you, you can't always tell how long things will/should take and can he give you some grace while you are figuring out your new job.
He was probably hangry, but if he wanted more than whatever you brought home, he should have expressed those wishes. He should have been like, "you have taken a while and I kept waiting for you to get home to eat so I would like something really tasty, like X" (would be curry or Chinese for me).

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 14/06/2024 18:22

Why do people willfully ignore the fact DH said he would have sorted it himself had he known???

jannier · 14/06/2024 19:35

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 14/06/2024 18:22

Why do people willfully ignore the fact DH said he would have sorted it himself had he known???

Because he's a man so many so be nasty

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 14/06/2024 19:37

jannier · 14/06/2024 19:35

Because he's a man so many so be nasty

Show quote history

That's true
It's MN
I didn't need to ask

PinkyFlamingo · 14/06/2024 19:42

Why on earth did you message at 5 asking if he wanted anything? If that was me I would assume you were on your way home...and it wasn't till 8.30 you got home

Toptops · 14/06/2024 21:22

VestPantsandSocks · 13/06/2024 12:13

Why did you keep asking him if he needed anything?

The problem is that you treated him like a child and he reacted like one.

Yes. This.

T1Dmama · 15/06/2024 01:01

VestPantsandSocks · 13/06/2024 12:13

Why did you keep asking him if he needed anything?

The problem is that you treated him like a child and he reacted like one.

This.

’Im going to be home late, you need to sort dinner for yourself and the kids tonight… don’t forget to feed the dog!’

T1Dmama · 15/06/2024 01:06

Yea and very weird that you offered to get anything when you were having to walk and taxi….

not only did he have full use of a car but also had the things in house to cook! Weird set up….

weird he makes comment about having having to tidy up too… does he see that as your job?

Blinds1 · 15/06/2024 03:20

You sound like his skivvy and he sounds like a whiny lazy arse.
What is the point of him exactly?

rwalker · 15/06/2024 05:15

Blinds1 · 15/06/2024 03:20

You sound like his skivvy and he sounds like a whiny lazy arse.
What is the point of him exactly?

Absolutely no idea where you’ve got that from
it was lack of communication from OP and assumption from him
all he did was take OP up on her offer to get something on the way home
had she not messaged him or told him how long she’d be he would of sorted tea out no problem
He didn’t ask or expect

as many many many other have said if there partner did this they would assume they were coming directly home

in all the 5 messages OP never said she’d be hours or there was no take away available
instead she turn up with something you’d need to cook so he’d have to wait even longer

in the last 48 hours OP has done this about tea and cleared off out and dumped him with her share of housework

i wouldn’t describe him a a whinny lazy asre and I’ll hold my hand up I’d feel exactly the same as him

Bournetilly · 17/06/2024 06:25

He was probably annoyed because you told him you were bringing takeaway home and didn’t. You should have told him to order something or go and get takeaway when you decided you were no longer going to get one.