DH in a bad mood because I'm home late?

[syndromeImposter]

I've just started a new job, huge step up so I'm not my usual pre organised self.
Messaged DH last minute at 5 saying I was out for drinks with a client, that I'd be later than normal. Asked if he needed anything. He requested beers. Messaged hour later asking again if he needed anything, he said take away. There were no good take outs near. So picked up beers, salad, chicken and pizza from a nearby deli and headed home.
Messaged an hour and a half later saying I was on my way with beers and pizza and he lost it.
Saying if I told him earlier that's all I was bringing in, he would have driven out to get food & beers - that he didn't want to wait for deli pizza?
Have I done something wrong or is it just because I'm late?

So that meant he wouldn't be cooking it for you either?

So what was his plan?

That you would bring home food?

If so when you said you would be late he should have taken some initiative & sorted something out.

Like the meal with the ingredients just waiting to be cooked?

It sounds like he was thirsty and hungry. He probably thought you were on your way home after the second text. I can imagine being a bit annoyed if I had no beer or food, and someone offered to pick it up, but then didn't arrive with it for another 3 hours. As in he wouldve just got it himself in that timeframe rather than sitting there with nothing. It's not your fault really though. Maybe next time just say I'm gonna be late, eat something yourself. And don't offer beer etc.

But I'm guessing that sometimes when you've been out for a few drinks, you want a takeaway as a result? If you do, surely you'd offer to buy your DH one too?

It is miserable being at home waiting on someone who says they are bringing dinner and then that person keeps pushing back the time. To then not show up with the promised dinner, especially not with food ready to eat is really rude.

the better thing to do in this scenario is to say you will be gone late and he should have dinner without you. It’s the waiting that causes the strife.

Maybe dh was going to cook…

op… I’m running late drinks with a client.
him.. ok
op… want anything picking up?
him.. beers

thinking he will cook once she’s back and she can bring him a couple of beers.

an hour or so later….
op… want anything?
him… beers and take away

because he now cnba to cook as his been waiting and waiting for op

Op then comes home after that with food to cook and beer…

I disagree.
Whilst several messages might be a bit irritating, if he was hungry he could have messaged back to say "I'm going to make dinner; will you back soon to eat it, or shall I put some aside for you?"
OP says the meal was planned, he chose to not eat it.

Yes, this basically

Why would he ask about making dinner when AT LEAST 1.5 hours before, if not 2, OP had said they'd bring food back?

OP messaged him asking if he wanted anything he took her up on the offer
the problem is it wasn’t clear it’d be hours so yes if she hadn’t messaged he would of cooked tea doubt he would of sat there and starved

What does 'late' actually mean? Do you have a curfew?

OP messaged him asking if he wanted anything he took her up on the offer
the problem is it wasn’t clear it’d be hours so yes if she hadn’t messaged he would of cooked tea doubt he would of sat there and starved

Well yes I'm guessing at the second message when he said takeaway he thought that Op was on her way with it.

I'm wondering why he decided against what was planned!

Agree with many comments but also read somewhere recently that 85% of arguments start when hungry;)

Who are these adults who can't feed themselves when they are hungry? There is no law that every couple must eat every meal together.

He’s a controlling twat who’s threatened by your new job. What a weakling.

I think lots of the responses are based on who would be right or wrong here in a normal, healthy relationship. I somehow doubt this is one of those.

People who are expecting their partner to arrive soon with food?

If he'd made food and then she turned up with the food he'd requested he'd have rightly been called a twat

So if I had cooked for DH thinking he would be home for 7.15 and then he arrived at 8.30 I would not be impressed! If I know DH is going to be slightly late then I delay cooking, but if it got to a certain time I might say 'sod the meal plan let's have takeaway when you get in'

The correct approach in these situations is one message - going to be later back as am going out after work, will message when I am on the train/bus home.

You can come home whenever you want! As long as he knows roughly. I don't understand why you kept asking if he needs anything though - sounds like you felt guilty for staying out? You have no reason to and it's a problem if you do.

Life's too short to stick to pre planned meals and schedules all the time.

An hour and a half after offering takeaway you rolled in with something that had to be cooked?
I can see his point.

You should have had said that you didn't know when you'd be home and that he needed to fend for himself.

It was that his expectations and your offerings were poles apart.

He decided to live in the edge throw caution to the wind go off menu and get a takeaway when OP offered

Obviously the answer you’d like is he’s a useless man expecting his wife to make tea

An error in communication is one thing.

Throwing your teddy out of the pram is another.

OP, better luck next time. Try and have an ETA and he can have dinner waiting for you.

Well if I was him I would be super irritated by the whole thing. But I suspect there is a reason you are doing the dance with him and trying to manage being late home, so I suspect YANBU even though on the face of it you were!

I’m with your DH on this one…..

I’d be a bit annoyed about you “drinking with clients” at 5 (which is maybe unreasonable depending on your job, but still annoying).

I’d be maddened by your messages about do you want anything every hour or so going well into and past dinner time, ending with a late turn up of a crappy pizza (nothing special) and I would have been waiting hungry.

Sorry you’re having to work late. Let me know an e.t.a. and I’ll aim to have dinner ready for then. Would you pick some beers up on the way home? And a cheeky ice cream?

Or

I’m gagging for a beer and to save cooking will go and get some and a take away. If you’re very late you might have to nuke your half! Shall I get you a bottle of wine while I’m out?

Actually, I think the old fashioned thing of speaking to each other rather than texting can give so much more information, context, and explore options. But I'm VERY old 😊