DH in a bad mood because I'm home late?

[syndromeImposter]

I've just started a new job, huge step up so I'm not my usual pre organised self.
Messaged DH last minute at 5 saying I was out for drinks with a client, that I'd be later than normal. Asked if he needed anything. He requested beers. Messaged hour later asking again if he needed anything, he said take away. There were no good take outs near. So picked up beers, salad, chicken and pizza from a nearby deli and headed home.
Messaged an hour and a half later saying I was on my way with beers and pizza and he lost it.
Saying if I told him earlier that's all I was bringing in, he would have driven out to get food & beers - that he didn't want to wait for deli pizza?
Have I done something wrong or is it just because I'm late?

Did he assume you were on your way back when you asked if he wanted anything? I think I would

Why couldn't he just make something himself, is he incapable or just bone idle?

He knew you were having a meeting, you said you'd be late. If I was that hungry I'd crack on with it.

Don't get what the big deal is tbh.

If my dh text to say “do you want anything?” I’d assume he’s on his way home so for me, I understand your dh’s frustration. He also asked to takeaway rather than something to cook so a simple message back saying options a bit pants so I’ll get a pizza we can shove in the oven. Be back about 8.30 ish would have prevented the frustration from poor communication.

This isn't on him. OP asked him if he wanted anything bringing in, he didn't fancy cooking what was in so he said yes to a takeaway, OP then turned up hours later with stuff that needed cooking. I'd have been pissed off too

He’s an idiot for deciding not to cook dinner and at be at the mercy of your home time. You shouldn’t have offered do you need anything as without more detail that does imply you’ll be bringing the something soon enough. Why would you offer that while out with your new job? Own it, go out, let him adult like an adult, don’t bring home any peace offerings for him having been a good boy who stayed home alone for a couple of hours.

Poor communication on your part as I see it. Sounds like you were on your way home after the first text. I'd be pissed if dp then brought food home that needed cooking after I beloved he was bringing a takeaway home and I was hungry.

By the second time of asking if I wanted anything I’d of expected you to be at the store. First ask is is a before I leave what do you want.. second is I’m at the shops just double checking.

Also deli pizza isn’t a take away so yeah after waiting and waiting I’d be pissed too as like him I’d of just ordered my own shit and fetched a drink myself.

If you're that hungry you make something it's not really a big deal is it. Clearly he was too lazy to cook something and mad she wasn't horne to cook the tea (she said there was a meal plan and food there)

Maybe in future he should order food himself if he can't be bothered not rocket science is it

I kind of think this is on you I'm afraid....assuming the pizza needed cooking, oven warming etc, he wouldn't be eating until 9pm. I would be WAY too hungry and hangy by then. The problem is you (kindly) offered to get food but weren't clear when you asked that you may not be home until 8.30 and you'd get something that needed cooking. I would have assumed from messages that you'd be home soon and with food that was ready to eat so I wouldn't have made myself something and then I'd have got hangry 😆 . Messaging at 6 to ask him again was a bit odd when you still weren't on the way - would have made sense if you were then actually at the shops or deli. If you'd not offered then he could have made the meal or sorted out a takeaway himself and all would have presumably been fine? Your intentions were good though! Just an issue of miscommunication.

He WOULD have got food himself but OP made it seem like she was on her way with food.

Can you imagine if he'd cooked and then she turned up with food he asked for?

He'd be in the shit then

None of this makes any sense op without detail.

Why didn't he cook the food in? Why can't he go and get snacks/order take away/beers?

There's no way any one can know who is being unreasonable based on what you've told us. At one end - as I have to make up detail - he could be house bound with no legs and a poorly asleep baby waiting for his dinner in which case Yabu to say you're bringing dinner and rock up 4 hours later. At the other this is a completely bat shit relationship whereby you rush around doing everything for him and get shouted at if it's not done right in which case Yanbu and ltb.

No one knows based on the random details given.

Yes but OP asked him if he wanted food bringing in, he obviously believed, like most on here, that she was on her way home with a takeaway! OP at no point said she wasn't near home, if she had have said that, he said he would have gone and got his own food, as it states in the OP.

If I was given the choice of cooking or takeaway, I'd have gone with the takeaway too but I wouldn't have expected my partner to be hours if she'd asked repeatedly if I wanted something.

Good point there

I think op could of said I'll be late sort yourself out something

He Could of thought to himself she's in a meeting ill cook something or order

Me personally I would of just cooked something if I was really that hungry I don't understand why people argue over things like this but then maybe it's him being HANGRY 😂

Difficult to know who us being unreasonable without knowing how you usually communicate.

Does I'll be late home usually mean I won't be home for dinner, sort yourself out?

I think your communication was poor. I wouldn't ask someone if they wanted something until I was in my way home, you asked twice. He didn't prepare anything because he thought you were on your way and rather than tell him take away wasn't an option you got an alternative.

If you'd texted to say I'll be home late and then texted to say you were on your way did he want anything presumably he would have already sorted food out and if he hadn't then that's a him problem.

This is so confusing. So you were only an hour or so late. But you'd gone to drinks much earlier than you'd normally leave work. Then you keep asking him what he wants. And when he asks for a takeaway, you bring something that he still hast to cook and it sounds like you were home way later than he was expecting.

Here's how this would work for me and DH:

Me, at a client in town. Decide to go to drinks. Text DH: We're going to go for drinks after we finish the meetings so not sure what time I'l be home.

Him: have fun.

Me, as drinks are finishing: on my way now. Home in about an hour. Have you eaten or do you want me to pick something up?

Him: all good, thanks. xx

I get your point, I just don't understand why he couldn't of just ordered something himself but they obviously don't communicate or plan well.

If it were me I'd of just said sort something out yourself I'm going to be late and then no need for the stress of it.

I can't imagine most people being best pleased if it was agreed to pay and bring back a takeaway to find their partner sitting in front of a fully cooked meal!

Who does that?

Some of the comments are really disingenuous because the partner happens to be a man.

@syndromeImposter no way would I be bringing DH a takeaway if there was food at home to be cooked.

Does he work? 5 is quite early for him to be home - does he have the kind of job to have a very early start? If so he'll be hungry quite early.

I don't understand why you asked him twice if he needed anything. surely once is enough?

Your fault tying yourself in knots wanting to bring in dinner but also staying out late and sending messages that you are staying later and later. That would have annoyed me too because it gives the impression that I should wait for you.

Presumably you think it is your job to feed him or treat him and you felt bad. STOP. I get it, I have been there, but you made the situation worse.

Next time text to say you're staying late, won't be home for dinner.

DH and I have work related socials/client events all the time. I don't wait for him, it would drive me nuts! These events always invariably take longer than you think.

Okay, my initial response was like all the other posters on here questioning the endless confusing messages from you, mixed signals, poor communication etc.

But then I started thinking about it a bit more and I'm wondering if there's a bigger story here? When you agreed to go for drinks, were you worried because he doesn't like it when you aren't home promptly? Were overcompensating in an attempt to appease him? When you were on your way home eventually, were you feeling nervous he was going to be pissed off?

I could be MASSIVELY extrapolating here and really what happened is what everyone else assumed, including me, and you were just being weird and confusing. But this is the sort of thing that I've seen with SIL in the past - she'd tell me some convoluted story that just didn't make any sense until I understood the context of his endless controlling behaviour.

Messaging with a “do you need anything” implies you are on the way home. You usually get home at 6-.15/7.15 but you messaged at 6 saying did he want anything, so presumably he was expecting you about 7. You then turn up an hour and a half after that. I’d be hungry and definitely fed up that you didn’t bring takeaway and there’s even more time while the oven preheated and the pizza cooked.

In this situation, it’s better you say don’t know what time you will be home and he should sort himself out and you will either pick something up for yourself or forage when you get home. When you’re actually done and heading home, you can see if he’s eaten yet and if he wants anything else, whether he made what was meal planned and you can reheat it if if you need to grab something.

Your mutual communication is strange.

You didn't actually agree what the plan was (takeout or something else); you made an open offer to bring stuff and then did something different without mentioning it; and you probably gave a wrong impression of what your timing was.

You could have just said not to wait for you to have dinner if you were not sure how long you would be.

I would be annoyed with you, not because of the deli pizza (though I would be a bit surprised you didn't just tell me you couldn't get takeout when I suggested it) but for messing me around and making me wait an unknown amount of time for food. If I knew you were going to be very late I could snack or just eat by myself.

Messaged DH last minute at 5 saying I was out for drinks with a client, that I'd be later than normal. Asked if he needed anything. He requested beers. Messaged hour later asking again if he needed anything, he said take away. There were no good take outs near. So picked up beers, salad, chicken and pizza from a nearby deli and headed home.

I'd be annoyed if someone texted me at 5 telling me they were going to be late and asking if I needed anything?

Then texted an hour later asking the same thing.

Then message yet again an hour and a half later to tell him what you'd bought.

Yes, he's pissed off that you were out enjoying yourself as your life is changing around him. You treated him like a kid, asking if he needed anything, where he could have offered to step up and get the stuff in ready for when you got back. He was expecting you to be on your way when you responded first, but had to wait because you were unclear. Now you're both sulking.

I wouldn't offer to bring things home like that unless I was actually at the shops. It makes you sound like you're apologising for your work, OP. You've got a new job, that's great, so live that life. Let your DH make his own plans.