DH in a bad mood because I'm home late?

[syndromeImposter]

I've just started a new job, huge step up so I'm not my usual pre organised self.
Messaged DH last minute at 5 saying I was out for drinks with a client, that I'd be later than normal. Asked if he needed anything. He requested beers. Messaged hour later asking again if he needed anything, he said take away. There were no good take outs near. So picked up beers, salad, chicken and pizza from a nearby deli and headed home.
Messaged an hour and a half later saying I was on my way with beers and pizza and he lost it.
Saying if I told him earlier that's all I was bringing in, he would have driven out to get food & beers - that he didn't want to wait for deli pizza?
Have I done something wrong or is it just because I'm late?

I'm sure they will learn in time to say 'What is your ETA?'.

He should’ve cooked if he wasn’t willing to wait or take whatever you were able to bring home.
Is it a way of sabotaging you in your new role - warning you off from staying out late again perhaps?

Can't understand why you kept messaging asking if he wanted anything when you weren't even on your way home. Why didn't you wait until you were nearer home and then message once?

You should have been clearer on timings, he should have gone and got his own beers and takeaway and let you know not to bother.

As he is not the one who contacted the OP asking for food, but he merely replied to her messages, I am confused. How do you get to him sabotaging her role exactly?

Just to be clear, which I wasn't - I was home at 8:30.
I'm usually home 6:15/7:15.
So it wasn't hugely late

Nah he's a dickhead. Who kicks off a beer and pizza?

Ye gods, why are you acting like a deliveroo?

You are not obliged to pander to him just because you were out for a few drinks- you’re both grown adults. You’re entitled to a private/ professional life and he is perfectly able to order his own takeaway and beer. Or cook the food you already had in.

I do worry that all of this pandering though was because you knew he would be cross that you’d gone for drinks and you wanted to appease him. If so this would be a bigger worry. Punishing a partner for very routine stuff like going to drinks after work is a form of abuse and is not normal.

Whilst it was nice to offer I don’t think he realised he’d have to wait 2.5 hours for it
and under the impression it was arriving any time soon

he didn’t ring for you to get food if you would of said you’d be in at 8.30 I’m guessing he’d say don’t bother I’ll sort myself out

Why are you repeatedly texting him asking the same thing ? No wonder he got annoyed ! You’re treating him like a child not a partner .

Why did you message him three and a half hours before you got home asking if he wanted anything?

If someone asks if I want anything then I assume that you are on the way home and going to pop into a shop soon.

I think this is just complete miscommunication because if the asking if he wanted anything hours and hours before you were getting home.

There’s fault on both sides here I think (but mainly on your dh’s imho)

He is presumably a functioning independent adult and as such chose not to cook the pre-planned meal. (I hazard a guess you planned that and got all the ingredients in op?)

You were slightly unclear with your communication op but your intentions were kind.

It’s not a disaster. This is a new situation for you both. Lessons to be learned for next time. Talk about it when you’ve both calmed down. And develop new strategies; part of which I hope is your dh stepping up and doing more in the house now that you have other responsibilities outside of the home! He needs to take the initiative and you need to leave him alone to do that.

Those timings don't tally up. You said you initially messaged at 5pm – then an hour later (6pm), then messaged again an hour and a half after that (7:30), saying you were on your way – why were you then home at 8:30 – another hour longer?

On the face of it, you weren't clear with what time you were actually leaving and arriving home, which is just courteous to your spouse. I would also be irritated with drip-feeding messages that went on for 3.5 hrs.

If I'd received the second "do you want anything?" message, I would've then assumed you were on your way home, with a takeaway pizza.
If you then messaged me again an hour and a half later, saying you were on your way back, with a pizza that needed cooking, I'm afraid to say I'd be pissed off.
Maybe this is why I'm single 🤔😂

I think I'd be annoyed at this if you had made out you would be home soon and then came home so late and I'd be waiting for tea but could have done what your DH suggested and went the shop myself.

You should have given a better idea of when you would have been home and so he knew what was going on. he may not mind you going out but if he's waiting to eat with you you should have been clearer.

I am married, and I would be very pissed off too 😂

I think I chalk this one up to miscommunication and settling in to a new routine.

It was a bit weird that you kept texting him, and I would have thought you’d be close to home. For his part he could have had a snack if he was hungry or made dinner without you.

All in all I would let it all go.

Wellllll. There were so many messages, so long apart. I kinda expect a message before you arrive home. The message at 5. Fine. But then another an hour later. Then another an hour and half later. Why? I presumed you were on your way after the second message, otherwise what value was it? It doesn’t take an hour and a half to buy pizza and beer. You’d have pissed me off too. Y a b u.

My husband said he would bring home tea then arrived 2.5 hours later at just before 8 with food that needed cooking ......

The times aren't making sense to me for a start

You picked food up and then an hour and half later said you were on your way with it?

Presumably he asked for take away because he'd delayed cooking as you were late and thought a take away, picked up NEAR YOUR HOUSE, would mean you weren't eating late.

However you eventually turned up, after all these confusing timed messages, with food that still needed to be cooked (or reheated since you'd brought it at least 1.5 hours ago)

I'd be pissed off too

Then how does it go an hour late then another hour and a half? I'm more confused.

This.

It’s reasonable to assume that someone who is asking if you want anything from the shop is either at the shop or very close to it…

I wouldn’t have kicked off but I’d have been hungry and probably visibly annoyed.

Did he know what time you were coming home? What time do you normally eat?

This is the classic ‘will be a bit late just having one beer’ ‘have decided to have a second beer but I’ll bring food’ (to make up for it)… then you’re rolling in at 9pm….

We used to both do it all the time and it drove the other nuts. Now it’s ’I’m having a beer’ and everyone knows that might be two beers or ten and then it’s ’on my way home, need anything?’ But the person at home knows to sort their own tea