Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

Is son working? Is he contributing to the household? Is he staying within the rules?

If yes, your husband is a dick

Well I love my kids so be aware that how you feel may be rooted in your guilt

Because I was so happy when the (lovely) fuckers moved out before 24

I get that your dh doesn't want this adult in his home.

But you need to keep your ds at home with you until he is ready. Young people these days are in need of parental support for a long time.

Yes he works full time and contributes financially.

I can understand why your DH isn't delighted at having a 24-year-old living with you full-time. Their relationship may be better if your DS moved to his own place, or shared with people his own age. You can't get back the mother-son relationship that you missed when he was younger - you were very young, so don't kick yourself for this. You are still his mother. But you can have a mother-adult son relationship. You don't have to put your current relationship in jeopardy to have this.

Have you really talked to your DH about this? Does he understand the way you feel?

Where is he going to live?

At 24, your DS should really be looking at standing on his own two feet and moving out. Was your DH onboard with him moving in in the first place? Is your DS contributing financially?
He absolutely shouldn't create a hostile environment for your son, both should be treating each other with respect.
I think you and DH need to reach an agreement about how long he can stay.

Call me old fashioned but my kids come first

Your son at 24 should have a plan to move out, it's no different to any other adult living with a parent. But your DH doesn't sound nice at all.

Hmmmm. I have some sympathy for your DH. He's right in that an adult is living with you and at 24 it's entirely feasible he could live independently. I did at that age. Don't let your guilt skew your perspective, if that's possible.

I think it lovely that your son is with you, and settled, and working and contributing to the household. I your position I would be making it very clear to DH that I would chose son over him if he made me choose, and he himself needs to either accept the situation, or leave if he cant

Your child always come first.

I don’t think this is fair because the son has been living with them for 12 years and is now 24 years old. I find it hard to live with my own adult children. As long as he doesn’t make the adult son uncomfortable and just voices his complaints to OP then I think it’s ok. As pp said - probably best to compromise on a reasonable date in the future.

I think actually it's really important that you support him in moving out. You weren't an active parent for other key milestones understandably but this one is yours to support him and help him get set up properly for adults life, I think it might be a really important stage in your relationship and developing that Parent Child bond you missed out on in his younger years

You get to set up new family traditions, regular family meal on a Sunday or whatever, popping to his for tea every other Saturday or whatever works for you both.

She has 2 other younger children ..

Definitely put your son first. Sixtyandsomething puts it perfectly.

How long were you and DH together before he moved in? You say you had regular contact with him so presumably your husband knew of his existence.

Was he on board with him moving in? It's a tricky situation. I can see where both of you are coming from.

If he doesn't want him living with you and you do then the only really option is to separate. Obviously that has ramifications for your younger children.

I agree 💯 and this is something I’m trying to do for my own adult children

I think at 24 it’s time for you to start helping him achieve independence if your DH has had enough tbh.

He asked to move in with them when he turned 17 and he's now 24. That's not 12 years.

Moving out in these times is so
expensive. He’s happy there, he’s contributing and you’re happy to have him.

your DH is the issue.

Horrible husband syndrome

I think the three of you sit round the table and discuss where DS sees himself in the next five years. What does he want to do? Have a chat as adults. Show willingness to listen to DS but also to encourage him to stand on his two feet. Does he need help with a deposit for example? Perhaps suggest some routine things such as Sunday roast at yours so that he always feels welcome. You say you've missed out on past milestones with him but this is a good opportunity to support him with his next step. Whilst also not making him feel like he is being pushed out.

Very tricky.
Your ds probably likes feeling part of a family with his mum as he missed out on that as a child.

If you push him out then that could seriously damage your relationship long term.

But at 24 I get you dh's view, it is hard living with 3 adults.

What is your ds' plan. Is he saving up, does he talk about moving out?

My mistake. Misread post .