Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

Excellent. None could put it better than this.

I understand that your husband hasn't bonded with him and it feels awkward having him in his home.

Your son is old enough now to have his own place and perhaps because of the past you are understandably wanting to not let him go.

I think you should encourage your son to be independent for the sake of your marriage but also to benefit your son who should have his own place by now.

Your husband did sign up to it though. You had a child.
How can you find your husband attractive when he’s saying your son must move out.

Nobody here knows if the “dad” has gotten off the hook. He may of raised the boy, he may of just been just as active in the boys life as mum was. Maybe it was his parents that raised the lad or maybe it was hers.

The biggest thing here is why didn’t op have her son back as soon as she was a stable adult, considering at 17 he wanted and did move in, odds are he wanted to or would of way before.

Yet there’s op raising her second family as a nuclear family with a step dad to him only 12 years older than him, a sibling age gap in some families, but who’s also clearly not that accepting of him existing in his nest…

By all means op can just kick him out, be twice his been basically palmed off by his own mother though, that comes with issues. Maybe that’s why he moved in to start with to test her actual love for him. Yes his an adult but lot of 24 year old these days are still home after having never left, let alone one who only moved in with their parent for the first time at 17.

Ditch the hubby and take care of the children, rents are phenomenal atm

So you're basically saying never mind what the dad did/didn't do that's by the by and it only sparks outrage if the mum didn't step up as expected.

If as you say the dad may have raised him or if he'd been in a stable position, home, job etc when mum at school he may have been awarded custody so you then expect him to just give up custody of a child settled in his home because the mother has now settled?
Perhaps he didn't want to?
It was probably a custody battle and not always does it go in the woman's favour but the woman is left looking the bad guy because someone else gets to raise her son so she is seen to have failed.

Well no if the dad had him then that would be a reason thus, asking why didn’t mum have him once stable even 50/50.

But some posters went straight for the dad must be completely absent. We don’t know.

Well no if the dad had him then that would be a reason thus, asking why didn’t mum have him once stable even 50/50.

Maybe she did have him 50/50 but his primary home was there or maybe she had weekends. She said she had regular contact so was part of his life.
This is 2024 it's not always the mother that gets automatic residence especially if they're still in school and another parent is in a better position to provide a home and financial stability.

So?

But maybe they were both 15 at the time of conception, you're just assuming the dad was an older settled guy.

Why are they different to my generation who moved out at 16 or 18?
Humans haven't evolved that much in the last 40 years!

It’s a cost thing the rent on the house I first moved into at 17 was £420 for a whole 2 bed house with garage. That house is now over 1 grand a month. Wages haven’t risen to keep up with that.

Thats why more young people are staying home longer and frankly if you have the space and they are genuinely saving to say buy I don’t see why you wouldn’t let them stay.

@Valeriekat

Why are they different to my generation who moved out at 16 or 18? Humans haven't evolved that much in the last 40 years!

Largely because of the cost of private rent vs average income and the deposits required to buy a home.

It's incredibly hard (much more so than for previous generations) for young people to pay the unprecedented level of private rent while saving enough for a lump sum big enough to form a deposit, let alone during a cost of living crisis, massively increased energy bills and day to day things like food sky rocketing over the last few years. Surely you've noticed all that?

So many are, if allowed to, understandably staying in the family home into their adulthood so they can save as this would be virtually impossible to do while also paying market rent privately.

Moving out is expensive so does he have the means to get somewhere decent to live? If yes then encourage absolutely but I think it would have to be a consistent approach to all 3 sons. So when the other two reach the same age, they’d need to start looking elsewhere also. DH surely wouldn’t have an issue with that seeing he’s so keen for his step-son to fly the nest!

It’s not a choice between him and them though

DH did sign up to this unless you didn’t tell him you had a DS until after you were married?

Your husband did sign up for this though. He knew you had a son, even if it’s inconvenient for him.
Yes, he is 24 and you’d hope he’d be spreading his wings …but pushing him out …that’d be a no, if it were me.
Would he happily throw his own biological children out because they reached 24???

But did he actually sign up for this? Presumably when he met the OP, her DS had a different legal guardian responsible for him and there was no suggestion that he would move in. This isn't like when parents have shared children and visitation agreements. If that were the case I would probably have advised 24 YO DH to run for the hills.

I'm the opposite - don't know any other than ones that stayed in houseshares in university cities. Moving out is an impossibility for a lot of people depending on the geography.

(And minor point, it hasn't been 12 years)

You can't be that much of an ostrich?

I’m a granny … with a bit of experience. PLEASE let your son stay until he’s in a position or ready to move out. He needs his mum - he cant properly say it in so many words but at last he has his mum back. Big guy but still a little boy. You won’t regret it.

@beckybarefoot

well i have to admit, absolutely every single 24 year old i know, and i do know a lot as my children are in this age range and they have a big social circle, and they have ALL left home! you are correct its not 1974... its 2024! and i'm aware of the issues surrounding young people getting on the housing ladder.

I was surprised anyone said that none of the 24 year olds they know are living with their parents so I had a quick google and it looks like your experience (while obviously valid!) is pretty unusual.

www.statista.com/statistics/285330/young-adults-living-with-parents-uk-by-age-and-gender/#:~:text=In%20the%20same%20year%2C%2047,just%20five%20percent%20for%20females.

In the same year, 47 percent of males and 29 percent of females who were 25 lived with their parents, while for those aged 30, the percentage was 16 percent for males and just five percent for females.

Your DH sounds jealous to me too. Its very hard for young people now and they need all the help that they can get, to save for a deposit etc
Tell your DH that your DS will leave when he's ready or is your DH giving him enough to put a deposit on a flat. Is your DH earning enough to get a flat and pay all the bills?

Hmm interesting. So at 25, young women more likely to leave home than young men? OK I don't know if that difference is statistically significant but it looks like something else rather than cost of living is going on here. Reminds me of one of the pp who said young men are not moving from parents house as much and its harming them. Not saying that poster was correct but the difference between the sizes has intrigued me.
Doesn't mean ds has to be chucked out but I still stand by my post that there needs to be a discussion, a plan or the beginning of one and all cards on the table as to what the end game is. Even if the plan is that he moves out when he is 40 at least that will help all locate themselves in this and perhaps put in the cogs to make that happen. And if the decision is that he will never leave the home again plans can be made and everyone is clear (and dh can leave if he so decides).

Valeriekat it’s very different now. You are maybe my age/generation. (54) opportunities were great in the U.K. in the 80’s and 90’s. I don’t want to make political statements on MN. But young people are struggling. And if OP’s DH -as a young Dad with children - is failing to see that - then OP has a problem. DH might be old fashioned. He might be a replacement to the Wicked Step-Mum - the Wicked Step Dad. He might be a bully. He may have confidence issues. They ( DS and DH) maybe don’t like eachother. We don’t know. But I do think that the ‘24 now -tossing out on the street - we’ll look after ours- fend for self’ attitude is horrible from a father of anyone and is not coming from a good place. Especially when OP had to fuse (Sorry OP) growing up with a Baby elsewhere- early motherhood and getting on with life. Why shouldn’t she have her son back. And why would the person who presumably loves her most - her husband - not want that for her.