Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

8 years.

Would he kick his biological children out of the house at 24? If not, I'd be calling him out on treating your son differently. If he didn't want a step son he shouldn't have married you.

I think that since your son is paying his own way, your dh is out of order.

I was big enough to lay on my back to make him I was gonna do my job and raise him.

Can you not use misogynistic phrases like the above, please?

This really isn't straightforward.

If my sums are right, your son is now the same age your H was when you married him. The age gap between your H and your son is smaller than the age gap between your son and the younger kids, so they are both under 8 and born since he has been living with you. Your H has never had the chance to just have his immediate family unit together, probably didn't anticipate a time that your son would live with you and not the relative who brought him up. But, he accepted him into your home and has kept it to himself that he wasn't happy, hasn't let on to your son how he felt. He is now communicating his need for change to you.

He will also see the contrast that by 24, he was married and living independently. But, your son is still living at home.

Yes, he is your son, and you spent a lot of years with him being brought up by someone else, so it is natural that you want him to stay. What is the likely consequence of you not trying to find a way for your son to move out? Will it break up your marriage, and you end up living with your younger two part time? Or will your husband accept the situation while quietly building resentment? Is there a way you can help him financially into a local flat share, so you can still see him regularly? And him come and stay regularly?

Since he was 17. It's all in the first post.

Superb post

It's understandable to want to "make up" to the DS for what he lost as a youngster, but those days are gone and even leaving the DH's issues aside I'm not sure the current approach is the best way of helping DS in the long run

Better, surely, to accept he's a man now and build a lovely relationship on that basis - plenty of loving invitations to visit and so on?

I don't think I could stay married to someone who I felt didn't like my child, whatever there age.

Hi OP, firstly, don't beat yourself up for past circumstances, you have done nothing wrong. I totally understand how you feel 'you have got your son back' and I think it is very unfair of your husband to tell you that he wants your son to move out. It is important that you discuss how you feel with your husband, otherwise there will be growing resentment and your son will pick up on it.
Your son may be 24 but past circumstances should make allowances for him living with you right now. Your son would feel very upset if you asked him to leave. TBH, it would likely damage your relationship. Please talk to your husband re this. Your husband married you knowing that you had a son. Your son is likely to be enjoying living with his brothers and catching up on being with you. Take care

I could never ever say to mine, time to move out, Jesus, hard lot some of you, the cost of everything, mine left at 27 after saving like mad, next one is 21 and still at university, she will go when she’s ready and definitely not before

I'm not sure. I think the OP has two children with her DH, but maybe I read that wrong, so there are three children in the picture, one of whom is now an adult. I don't think the OP's DH wanting the adult son to move out is a blatant rejection. Many 24-year-olds live away from their parents.

Also, this situation is slightly different: presumably, when OP married her DH, there wasn't really a step-child in the picture, but a 12-year-old who lived with a relation, and from the sound of it, treated that person as a parent.

The LTB brigade are out in force again, but would it really be in the best interests of the OP, her children with her DH, and even her adult DS, for that relationship to break down? Wouldn't that be putting the interests of one child ahead of the interests of her other two, and an adult child who will anyway be moving on of his own accord shortly?

I had a blended family. My late DH and I had good relationships with each others children, but wouldn't have wanted any of them living with us at the age of 24.

I think this probably hits the nail on the head.

I think I’d ask him to aim to stand on his own two feet mid/late 20s. I’d also ask DH to make an effort with him, build a relationship and stop moaning, you come as a package and he will likely leave in a couple of years.

I don’t think it’s abnormal for parents to want adult children to start flying the nest especially once they reach adulthood and have a stable income. Would the response be the same if this was her dh bio son?

@RosePetals86 maybe OP should ask DH when he expects the other children to leave. Many adult DC stay in the family home longer than they used to.

Your DH is an arsehole

And?It's not them that have the problem, it's DH.

Presumably, DH knew OP had a 12-year-old DS when he married her.

This is 100% a DH problem.

Very unfair and judgemental comment positivewings. OP has always loved her son and made a decision based on her love for him and available support at the time.

Would the response be the same if this was her dh bio son?

I doubt it, @RosePetals86, but then any opportunity to man-bash tends to be enthusiastically seized on MN

Something which stood out for me is that at no point did OP say her DH wanted DS to leave again when he was younger; it all seems to have kicked in once he was grown and in a job, and up to a point that's fair enough - not least for his own sake independence-wise

As I suggested wanting to play mum again is understandable, but there are many ways of doing that and not all involve DS actually living with them

First of all, you did not let your son down.

You could not provide a decent life for him at 16 and so you did what was best for him and got a family member to raise him.

Secondly, your DH absolutely did sign up for this.

If you have a child whether they live with you FT, only have them EOW or fully adopted there will always be a part of your life and you don’t get into a relationship with someone who has a child lightly, for this reason.

If your son was stealing, being violent or rude etc then I would understand his POV but it just sounds like DH is jealous that he’s not the man of the house and feels threatened because he wants to be top dog.

Your son does not need to move out.
Many people his age still live at home.

Your DH needs to find a way to deal with his own issues.

Unless you concealed the fact that you already had a son when you met your DH, he absolutely did sign up for this when he married you!

There are only 14 years between myself and my DSD. Her teenage years were challenging, but there has always been a good solid foundation in our relationship so we weathered through that. I've always tried to treat her like I would treat my own dds. Sometimes she felt more like a little sister, than a daughter, but I've always had a lot of love for her.

Your DH is being very unreasonable.

I think this is a slightly separate issue as your son was separated from you - there may be some trauma associated with that. Usually, children naturally detach them self from you. I think it is important to support child be independent but also recognise it not as easy in previous generations. It also depend where you live etc.

well i have to admit, absolutely every single 24 year old i know, and i do know a lot as my children are in this age range and they have a big social circle, and they have ALL left home! you are correct its not 1974... its 2024! and i'm aware of the issues surrounding young people getting on the housing ladder..

i never said they had to leave the nest, i said they want too! but her DS is an adult male, there is no harm is asking what their plans are? then the OP and her DH can also have an adult conversation.

I know 'most' mums want their children to stay at home for a long as possible nowadays, the OP's son has been living with them for 12 years.. not a few weeks or months.. 12 years, thats a long time.

Fathers want to know when their children are moving out.. this man has been a father to this lad for 12 years, i don't think its unreasonable for her DH to wonder when or if he has plans? and i am sure that her DH will think exactly the same when his bio children reach a certain age too.

My view may be controversial but I think if you marry someone with kids then the kids have to come first, and you as the partner are second. If I ever had cause to partner/marry someone again they'd need to agree to that, and I'd agree to the same for m partner's children too. I think your husband is very unreasonable and I'm sure your relationship with you son means a lot to you, especially after initial difficulties. I would tell my partner to leave and put my son first, even though he's 24 and adult. Horrible position for you to be in though OP.

My ds would come first before any man

You were young when you had your DS and maybe not in a position to keep him. He's forgiven you and given you a second chance. He sounds like a lovely lad. Don't let him down now. He might not give you a third chance. Tell your DH if he doesn't like it he's free to leave. Leave him in no doubt your DS is just as important to you as your younger son's.