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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

290 replies

lionkingess · 12/06/2024 16:44

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 12/06/2024 21:22

Never would any man come between me and my child. Never. A decent man would never try.

Riversideandrelax · 12/06/2024 21:22

endofthelinefinally · 12/06/2024 21:22

Never would any man come between me and my child. Never. A decent man would never try.

Exactly.

Poyulyi · 12/06/2024 21:26

I imagine by this he just sees a competitive male figure and he doesn't know what role to play.
maybe I’m an arse, but I just cba with this from your dp. There’s no competitiveness, it’s a man who’s missed out on a lot of years being able to live with his mum, if he doesn’t know how to act around that without getting the hump, he needs to get a grip really. The role to play would be supportive bf of you having this time with your son and not treating your son differently, but he knows the role to play, he just doesn’t want to play that role.

BirthdayRainbow · 12/06/2024 21:28

This is not the usual situation of a twenty four year old being brought up with parents and not moving out when some move out.

This is a man who has lived elsewhere for years, away from his mum, possibly no relationship with his dad, and clearly wants to be with his mum now. It needs treating as a different situation because it is a different situation.

whyhavetheygotsomany · 12/06/2024 21:33

My son would have to come before my husband

whyhavetheygotsomany · 12/06/2024 21:34

harriethoyle · 12/06/2024 16:54

Hmmmm. I have some sympathy for your DH. He's right in that an adult is living with you and at 24 it's entirely feasible he could live independently. I did at that age. Don't let your guilt skew your perspective, if that's possible.

It's much harder for young people to afford to move out these days.

ciaopizza · 12/06/2024 21:41

BirthdayRainbow · 12/06/2024 21:28

This is not the usual situation of a twenty four year old being brought up with parents and not moving out when some move out.

This is a man who has lived elsewhere for years, away from his mum, possibly no relationship with his dad, and clearly wants to be with his mum now. It needs treating as a different situation because it is a different situation.

I agree with this.

Also. Yes he earns and contributes, but is it enough to support himself? It can be hard for a young person to be self sufficient these days.

bonzaitree · 12/06/2024 22:12

I actually think it’s really nice that you and your son get time living with each other now. Really lovely in fact.

MumblesParty · 12/06/2024 22:14

Limesodaagain · 12/06/2024 16:55

I don’t think this is fair because the son has been living with them for 12 years and is now 24 years old. I find it hard to live with my own adult children. As long as he doesn’t make the adult son uncomfortable and just voices his complaints to OP then I think it’s ok. As pp said - probably best to compromise on a reasonable date in the future.

Show quote history

No, he’s been living with them for 7 years. He moved in when he was 17. He was 12 when OP, by then in her late 20s, got married but still didn’t fancy looking after her own child. The poor lad has had 7 years with his mother, who is now wondering if she should hoof him out again.
For the first 17 years of his life you took no responsibility for him OP. You say you “still had regular contact with him” despite having kids with your new husband - as if this is something special! I think we all expect to have regular contact with our kids.
He works, pays his way, and gets on with his half brothers. What does this poor young man have to do to be wanted?

Nonspecificcheese · 12/06/2024 22:17

DD is my number one priority in everything and would come before any man. Your DH is unreasonable.

123FirstBabyDumbo · 12/06/2024 22:20

I sort of see DH's point. Your DS is a grown man, he's 24. It's not unreasonable to expect him to leave the nest soon. Plenty of parents would not want a 24 year old at home. Maybe start to gently enquire what DS' plans are?

AppleStruddle123 · 12/06/2024 22:22

That's so sad that your DH is competitive with him. Your poor DS.

What do you think is really going on? Is your DH jealous of your DS? What is eating away at him really?

Is it you don't get to spend quality time together anymore? Is it like having a third wheel?

All the same, you can't chuck your poor DS out. I'm sure he's getting ready to make the move at some point.

AppleStruddle123 · 12/06/2024 22:23

And many kids are staying later at home due to cost of living crisis.

How is he supposed to save up if he rents? Do you know what his long-term plans are?

HollyKnight · 12/06/2024 22:24

Leave the nest? The fella was never in the nest. He moved out as a baby. He has spent a grand total of 7 years "at home".

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 12/06/2024 22:28

I wouldn't move my son out because my new DH prefers his own child, especially as your son may have complex feelings about his past.

Penguinfeet24 · 12/06/2024 22:29

I'm sorry but your husband did sign up for this - unless you kept your son a secret until after you got married. Children, even adult ones, are still part of the family and we have to treat all of them the same - and I say that as a step mother. These days people are living at home longer through necessity but it sounds like your son also enjoys having his relationship.with his mother back as well, it would be a very harsh person who couldn't understand that.

I'm very much 'kids first' though - against anyone, even my own husband, as long as they aren't doing anything wrong and your son isn't. Kicking him out when he's just stable with his mum - well that's pretty harsh.

autism07 · 12/06/2024 22:33

Cattery · 12/06/2024 16:53

Call me old fashioned but my kids come first

This 100%

LindaDawn · 12/06/2024 22:34

I would want my son to stay if that was what he wanted to do. If your son is working, contributing to the family finances. It’s tough renting and sharing flats. Can you agree a timeline with your son to encourage him to save for his future. Lots of adult kids live with their parents these days. Your husband needs to be more understanding.

Nanny0gg · 12/06/2024 22:37

lionkingess · 12/06/2024 20:59

I think privacy plays a part, he does go out a lot but when he's in he likes to be sociable with us and dh is a lot quieter so they are very different people but then when our younger boys are up they are not quiet.
I have asked him if he'd feel the same when our younger boys are the same age and he says he will bring them up to be independent by that age but I don't know how he'll be as they're not at that age.
He even admitted when ds was a first with us he'd feel differently if he'd brought him up but feels as though he didn't have a stepdad bond with him as a child and he's too old to need a father figure now.
I imagine by this he just sees a competitive male figure and he doesn't know what role to play.

Show quote history

So, what was the reason that you didn't take your son back then?

Was he settled with the family he was with?

Copperoliverbear · 12/06/2024 22:39

Your husband is a cunt
Wether your son lived with you or not he knew you had him, ask him if he is going to make your other two children move out when they're older.
Personally I'd tell him if you don't like it you know where the door is.

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/06/2024 22:45

If the DH were a decent man, he wouldn't have even voiced his grumbles but would be pleased for the OP that she had forged a good relationship with her DS and he would be doing his best to support, encourage and nurture a young adult who is sibling to his own kids.

I will bet a significant amount of money that he won't be bitching about his own DCs and making them move out.

XiCi · 12/06/2024 22:45

Quittingwifework · 12/06/2024 16:59

Moving out in these times is so
expensive. He’s happy there, he’s contributing and you’re happy to have him.

your DH is the issue.

Completely agree

Sasqwatch · 12/06/2024 22:46

Cattery · 12/06/2024 16:53

Call me old fashioned but my kids come first

This

HelenHen · 12/06/2024 22:48

There are a lot of questions... like is there space for 3 adults in the house? Is your son disrespectful to dh? Does dh think ds is some kinda threat to other dc's, is living with you holding DS back socially?

There's no way this is a simple yabu/yanbu

MildredSauce · 12/06/2024 22:51

And if your DS leaves? What will DH find to complain about then?