Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

It is though. This man was a child whose mother chose not to raise him herself. There are clearly going to be very different feelings and dynamics for him ,if she tells him he needs to move out of her home to suit her and her ‘now’ family, than there would be for a child raised by his mother from birth.

Given that, I would not ask him to move out. I think it would potentially be very damaging to the relationship they have now established and which OP values.

I think I would explain how YOU feel. That you have a great second chance with your son. That you understand DH feelings but that because you care about them you are feeling split in two, and that is not fair. You have been through enough in your life and your son being there is healing for you, too. That your ideal situation is DH being able to forge some kind of relationship with your DS or at least stop complaining about him. Ask him if there are any specifics about how he feels it is affecting him, and see if there is anything you can implement that would make him feel better I.e. date night or time alone for example.

And that you're happy to go to counselling to discuss it with him (DH). I don't think you bring DS into this at all.

I think consider your own feelings and what you really want. Then you have a rock to stand on and you can be considerate of DH feelings without feeling you're going to be persuaded out of what you want.

Who didn't live with her. The situation has radically changed and whilst I understand the OP wants to keep her oldest at home, it's not the situation her DH had when they got together. I can understand why he's not thrilled. As a pp said, has he ever had just his own family in the house?

This is it. Perfectly put.

17 when he moved in that's 7 years. Can't you do maths?

He may well say when they too become adults and start earning.. what then? I’m just saying I know plenty of parents with children in their mid 20s who would be gently suggesting said adult child starts thinking about their own future plans.. It’s not met with such revulsion from people. The minute a step parent starts asking reasonable things they become the world’s worst. Just an observation.

Does your son understand he ought to move out at all?

Is he genuinely contributing his fair share to the household or is he contributing a token amount of cash/effort?

Whilst I agree that a child comes before a partner, its not that simple when there are two other children to consider. I also don't agree that 'coming first' equates to 'must live with Mummy'!

I think parenting should involve a degree of setting kids up to live independently, I don't think letting them believe they can remain in their parents home making (usually) a small token contribution is doing them any favours.

‘As a pp said, has he (DH) ever had just his own family in the house?’

His ‘own’ family.
Marry someone with a child, surely any decent person would consider that child as ‘their’ family.

Yes- this is the way forward.

So? That’s what marriage is. It’s called a commitment for a reason. You don’t sign up for your spouse to be disabled in an accident, you don’t sign up for your kids to have additional needs, you don’t sign up for your spouse to get MS or dementia either. But you get on with it for the sake of your spouse.

It’s blindingly obvious why OP values her son living as part of her family, why her son dies too and why it could be very damaging to OP and her son to ask him to move out. I put this firmly in the category of one of those things you put up with for the sake of your spouse.

Most 24 year olds in my circle had indeed flown the nest by 24, so it's objectively true in my case. My DC and my siblings' and friends' DC went to uni and made a life in their university towns after graduation. I was married with a mortgage by 23 and no it wasn't the 70's.

I'd be concerned if I had adult DC still living at home, but lots of parents seem to enjoy the fact their DC can't live independently.

Is the issue around privacy? Is your older son hanging out in the lounge with you after younger ones go to bed? Of course he has every right to, it's his home too, but, as you say your older son is kind and responsible, I can't see what other issue it could be?
Does he go out lots with mates, or is he always 'around'? Does he want to move out but can't afford to, or doesn't want too?
I would never kick oldest son out. But equally if things become increasingly tense between DH and OP that's not good for anyone, especially the younger children.
So need to work together to see if any small changes can be made to make it work best as possible.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this

did he know you had a son? If he did, he absolutely did sign up for this and is out of order

What are the irritations your DH raises?

@lionkingess id be letting my son stay personally especially if he contributes

It's not just about whether or not he should have flown the nest by now though is it.

OP said he's never really taken to him, he treats him differently to their two other children, gets annoyed by him and is constantly moaning about him behind his back.

I doubt the issue is that he's 24 now, it sounds like he's never really wanted him in the picture

I think privacy plays a part, he does go out a lot but when he's in he likes to be sociable with us and dh is a lot quieter so they are very different people but then when our younger boys are up they are not quiet.
I have asked him if he'd feel the same when our younger boys are the same age and he says he will bring them up to be independent by that age but I don't know how he'll be as they're not at that age.
He even admitted when ds was a first with us he'd feel differently if he'd brought him up but feels as though he didn't have a stepdad bond with him as a child and he's too old to need a father figure now.
I imagine by this he just sees a competitive male figure and he doesn't know what role to play.

How about you stop policing her language?

Your poor ds. He lived elsewhere whilst you were young and totally understandable and now time with his mum your husband doesn't want him there. A child is for life. He is 24 but had a uncertain early life so sounds like enjoying time with his mum now.

It’s understandable he’s not thrilled. It’s also understandable he’s going to have to be a grown up and deal with it. If it really didn’t occur to him that his wife might eventually want her own son to become a bigger part of her life, up to and including living with her, then his real problem is that he married before he had the maturity to understand the ramifications.

And when you marry someone who already has a child, it’s generally expected that child will become part of your “own family.”

Is there a reason why you didn't bring your son to live with you when or before you got married? It must have been so hard for the boy to see his mother have a life and start a whole other family without him. It's understandable at 16 not being able to look after him, but you were nearly 30 when you married your husband.

I really don't think much of your DH. He was happy to leave a young child out of your family, so of course he doesn't want him around now. In my opinion, if your DH isn't happy with the situation, he can leave.

I would say DH has been very accommodating and it’s time the 24 year old man to move out and stand on his own two feet.

Why didn't he move in with you when he was younger ? Especially as you went on to have more kids? . If you ask him to leave then you are just putting him second all over again.
Is he saving for a deposit or mentioning any long term plans to you?
Rent prices are terrible at the minute, unless he rents a room.

Given your past I wouldn't be asking him to leave. Your dh sounds jealous and threatened. That behaviour would make me irritated. An inconfident man is very unattractive. So is a man who can't accept he is your son and his family. Given your son contributes, is not difficult to live with, the issue is your dh. Can't he see the damage this would do to your ds' feelings and yours? He doesn't care. That's selfish. Another reason to ditch him.

For me my DC would come above my DH any day of the week. He knew you had a DS when you got together so yes, he did sign up to this.