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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

290 replies

lionkingess · 12/06/2024 16:44

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

OP posts:
Fiery30 · 13/06/2024 21:44

Why does your husband not want your son in the house? Your son works and contributes financially to house expenses. Does he help out with daily chores, with his siblings etc.? If so, surely there should be no problem. An honest discussion is needed, where your husband needs to act maturely and voice his opinions, rather than moaning in private. You could also speak to your son about his future plans by being supportive, rather than hinting he needs to leave. Also, what happens if in the future/old age, either of you need care and support. Would your son not be expected to pitch in then?

KillerTomato7 · 13/06/2024 23:09

GingerScallop · 13/06/2024 20:36

Hmm interesting. So at 25, young women more likely to leave home than young men? OK I don't know if that difference is statistically significant but it looks like something else rather than cost of living is going on here. Reminds me of one of the pp who said young men are not moving from parents house as much and its harming them. Not saying that poster was correct but the difference between the sizes has intrigued me.
Doesn't mean ds has to be chucked out but I still stand by my post that there needs to be a discussion, a plan or the beginning of one and all cards on the table as to what the end game is. Even if the plan is that he moves out when he is 40 at least that will help all locate themselves in this and perhaps put in the cogs to make that happen. And if the decision is that he will never leave the home again plans can be made and everyone is clear (and dh can leave if he so decides).

Show quote history

This is reasonable. However my concern is that DS is probably more aware than OP realizes of what exactly DH thinks of him. Unless DS is unusually oblivious, I doubt DH is putting on a perfect front with DS, but then constantly whining behind closed doors -- not to mention the possibility that DS might have simply overheard these conversations anyway.

So he'll know that this push out the door isn't coming primarily from a place of concern for his wellbeing and a desire to help him "spread his wings," but rather from his own mother's need to appease her husband's petty jealousy.

KillerTomato7 · 13/06/2024 23:16

Fiery30 · 13/06/2024 21:44

Why does your husband not want your son in the house? Your son works and contributes financially to house expenses. Does he help out with daily chores, with his siblings etc.? If so, surely there should be no problem. An honest discussion is needed, where your husband needs to act maturely and voice his opinions, rather than moaning in private. You could also speak to your son about his future plans by being supportive, rather than hinting he needs to leave. Also, what happens if in the future/old age, either of you need care and support. Would your son not be expected to pitch in then?

It's not a matter of what he would "be expected" to do when they are old and in need of care. He is a person with agency, not a tool to be taken down off the shelf whenever it's convenient for his mother and put away whenever he irritates her husband (let's not even call him a stepdad).

If she casts him aside a second time, something tells me they're going to have to look to a nursing home for whatever care and support they may need in their old age.

MelodyFinch · 13/06/2024 23:51

Men can be territorial with their eldest sons. Like stags locking horns. It maybe nothing to do with biology.
your son may feel that he has missed out with you and that makes him want to stay for longer. Your DH is the elder and he should draw upon his wisdom and support you in this. Whatever you do, tread carefully. There is a hornet’s nest of emotions at work here. Good luck 🍀

pollymere · 13/06/2024 23:51

Sorry, I think at 24 your DS should be getting his own place and moving out!

Your DH has put up with another man in the house for seven years or so. This isn't about him "taking to him". This is about someone who has a job and still lives with their Mum. I know people do but your DH may find it hard to relax and feel it's not his home.

Ours moved out recently and a level of stress we didn't know was there disappeared. About meals and TV etc.

MarlaSingersMiddleFinger · 13/06/2024 23:53

lionkingess · 12/06/2024 16:44

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

Your DH did 'sign up for this' unless you hid that you were a mother then he signed up for a woman with an older child and everyt6that this comes with. Your son loves you and wants to spend time with you and thats special.

Despair1 · 16/06/2024 14:48

MumblesParty · 13/06/2024 07:44

@Newbutoldfather perhaps have a read of OP’s posts again. You might pick up that this is not a “normal” situation, and is certainly not comparable to yours.
OP is not old. She’s 40.
She had her son at age 16, then abandoned him. She then settled down and got married, but still left her son with the relative, while going on to have 2 nice shiny new kids. Her son was allowed to move in 5 years later, because he was unhappy where he was. Finally he gets to live with his Mum. But he’s not welcome, her husband doesn’t want him there, despite the fact that he works, pays his way, is pleasant and friendly, gets on with his half siblings etc.
And despite his mother’s rejection for the first 17 years of his life, you think she should be kicking him out, to avoid the risk of “codependency”. Wow.

Show quote history

Very unfair and unkind comment. OP had her son at 16 and wasn't in a position to undertake the responsibility of parenthood which is totally understandable. OP didn't abandon him and was fortunate that a relative supported her in raising her son and she kept in frequent contact. Lovely that OPs son chose to return to live with his mum, stepdad and siblings. Well done OP, your son clearly holds you in high regard and quite rightly so!

GingerScallop · 16/06/2024 18:58

I just wish posters would stop saying op abandoned her child. Or framing this as "well you made a mistake so.."
Op has a baby at 16. She gave that child the best possible start in the context by letting more mature and likely better resourced family members love and raise him. It does not diminish her love. Neither does it make her deserving of punishment or contempt.

Chocolateeggsarebetterthannormalchocolate · 16/06/2024 21:35

Riversideandrelax · 12/06/2024 21:20

For me my DC would come above my DH any day of the week. He knew you had a DS when you got together so yes, he did sign up to this.

This. He did sign up for this if he knew you had a child.

Gogogo12345 · 17/06/2024 04:27

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 13/06/2024 19:08

But did he actually sign up for this? Presumably when he met the OP, her DS had a different legal guardian responsible for him and there was no suggestion that he would move in. This isn't like when parents have shared children and visitation agreements. If that were the case I would probably have advised 24 YO DH to run for the hills.

True. I suspect many women who marry men with kids who don't live with them suddenly expect their stepchildren to move in as teens and stay for years

MariaLuna · 17/06/2024 04:38

Call me old fashioned but my kids come first

Nothing old fashioned about that. My kids come first too.

Giggorata · 17/06/2024 05:44

There is no chance that I would entertain my husband's wishes to make my son leave home.
Even without your specific circumstances.
He has asked to move in with you so that he can experience family life with you. ThIs is not an unreasonable wish.
Those who are a talking about the impossibility of making time up, or of guilt, haven’t quite got it, in my view.
This is a great opportunity to cement him into the rest of the family.
He's working and gets on well with the younger ones, so it seems to be working.
The only fly in the ointment is your rather immature and selfish husband.
He needs to be told that when a woman has children, they always come first, no matter what age they are. (and to grow up)
Gaaah.

KillerTomato7 · 17/06/2024 06:02

Gogogo12345 · 17/06/2024 04:27

True. I suspect many women who marry men with kids who don't live with them suddenly expect their stepchildren to move in as teens and stay for years

Show quote history

You’re being sarcastic (I think), but that is actually a fairly likely event. If dh really didn’t take into account that possibility, it calls into question how seriously he thought about marriage itself before jumping into it.

malificent7 · 17/06/2024 06:05

The son is not a random adult though...he's family.

Booteek · 28/10/2024 10:01

Be very careful OP, you have healed a rocky start (totally understandable of course you were so young and it sounds like you made great choices for your eldest) and it sounds like you and your ds have a lovely bond now. I wouldn’t shatter that. It might be helpful to help your day plan for his future but you might need to tell your husband to stay quiet for another year or two, especially if you live somewhere like London where it’s really hard for young people to move out

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