Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

What is it your h doesn't like about your son, is it jealousy and a reminder that you had a child with another man. Do they do things together, do your other children and your son all get along.

Exactly this. He's already missed out on so much so he is probably enjoying the stable family life and being with his siblings, too. He is contributing to the household so what exactly is DH's problem? As someone else said, this is mumsnet so he should've moved out at 18 but I don't think there's anything wrong with him living at home, especially given the circumstances

OP do you know what exactly it is that your DH finds difficult, even unlikeable?

As his mum, and a mum loaded with guilt at that, are you not seeing things that DH is?

I'm not assuming DH is right and your son is wrong, but without understanding more of what's going on in the family it's not easy to offer any help.

He gets on great with his brothers , dh is 4 years younger than me so there's only 12 years between him and ds so they're closer in age than ds is to own his brothers so I don't think he's ever seen him as a step son and I do think think he just doesn't like there being being another man around the house.
Little things irritate him and he moans.
He's not going to kick him out but he's made his feeling crystal clear to me that it's time he moved out and he can't live with him and life isn't easy while he's constantly frustrated with him and it comes between us.
He doesn't show any of his annoyance in front of ds and my relationship with him is good.

Most 24 year olds have not “flown the nest by now.” That’s just objectively untrue. This isn’t 1974.

Also, most 24 year olds didn’t have to “fly the nest” from the ages of 0 to 17. I think that might just color her son’s view of being pushed out a second time. And to the person who asked if dh will treat his own children the same way when they’re 24, is that really even a question?

Is your DH going to kick his kids out when they are 24 too? That's what it boils down to. If he's not, then he would be welcome to move out himself.

Your husband sounds jealous tbh and there is no way in hell I'd be pushing my son out with the background he has.

I would say to DH that you'll have a 5year plan chat when he gets to 25 as I think that's a suitable age to get things lined up for some more independence but I wouldn't be sending my son away as your DH wants.

Your DH sounds like someone who resents your DS being on his turf. I reckon he is jealous of him, and just wants you to himself with your own DC.

‘He doesn't show any of his annoyance in front of ds and my relationship with him is good.’

So if you ask DS to leave, you’re going to look like the bad guy?

Obviously I don’t know any of you, but your DH complaining to you, but not showing any problem in front of your DS seems a little … contrived? Calculated?

Maybe I’m way off, but I don’t like the way your DH is approaching this. It’s like he’s not giving your DS a heads up about what might be coming.

Your DS didn’t live with you ‘til he was 17. Perhaps he actually enjoys being around you and his siblings. I wouldn’t be in a hurry to encourage him to leave.

Obviously I don’t know any of you, but your DH complaining to you, but not showing any problem in front of your DS seems a little … contrived? Calculated?

I think the word you are looking for is cowardly.

No suggestions just sympathy. You must feel torn in two. Can you start saving so when DS needs a deposit for renting you can help him?

This isn’t a dig at OP, but for all you saying your 24 year old is independent is different because they lived with you for a long time. OP’s son didn’t and so he’s probably enjoying family life with his mum and siblings. You can’t compare the life your children had to the life OP’s son has had mostly without living with his mum.

OP your husband needs to get over himself - when he married you I’m sure he knew you had a son. Did he just expect you to absolve all responsibility for him?

I think you need to do both things suggested on this thread and they should be separated.

1. Have the conversation with your husband so he understands your feelings and that you under no circumstances are kicking your son out and he needs to accept that due to the history and context.

2. Start the conversation with your son about his future plans and helping him move towards independence.

imo you can’t start on 2) until your husband accepts 1) and you have peace in your household from him.

Also would your husband benefit from more couple time together out the house? Would that remove a bit of the pressure?

The good news is that despite the unusual circumstances surrounding his beginnings you all sound like a typical family having typical problems now. So while there may be a little more at play here I don’t think it’s that unusual.

I can see where your DH is coming from, your son is an essentially a grown man that has moved in. That can cause friction and frustration no matter the relationship.

What are your son’s long term plans? School, dating, career… all the normal stuff?
I do think that at 24 he should be working towards independence for his own good and that doesn’t mean that there rejection from anyone…him, you, your DH.

It does sound like it may be time to talk to your son about long term and help him make the next steps to becoming independent.

So 7 years - that is usually about the time things need to change and move along. At 24 your ds should be thinking about moving out and standing on his own two feet. Is your dh worried he will still be there when he is 30? Is there a plan on how to move forward?

All he is asking that he moves out, not disappear off the scene altogether.

No matter now old my DC are, they know they could always " come home" they own their own houses but if they ever needed to they are always welcome. Nobody comes before them. Your DH sounds awful. I'd make him leave not your son!

@Limesodaagain

She has 2 other younger children
And nothing suggests they are in any way disadvantaged by having their big brother living with them ..

@fungipie
This scenario is different from most. He probably felt unwanted for the first 12 years. It if not unwanted, at least inconvenient. Now he gets to be made to feel inconvenient again.

In this specific case I would want him to be a big driver of the decision to move out.

Feeling pushed out could cement any trauma.

I had my first son at 16 i raised him my self.
I was big enough to lay on my back to make him I was gonna do my job and raise him.
It wasn't his fault.
Rant over.
My children come B4 any man no matter how old they are.
Imagine being the child your mum gave to a relative then move back in with bio mum when in your teens and then find out step dad wants you out.
But his own kids are fine.
Talk about not being wanted.
Yes move on at 24 but it's like your son as been piller to post.
My mum was the same with my step dad I just felt so unwanted.
Years later her marriage failed and she wanted to be mum again I went no contact with her.
Cause me alot if trauma.

Why is your oldest child more important than your younger two. If he is 24 and has a job he has the means to find somewhere to live.

You have no idea of the op's situation.
She did what she thought was best at the time and family members were there to support him.

It's none of your business why the op didn't bring her son up as a 16 year old mum.
You don't know if she even had a choice in this decision, it could well have been children's services decision if she was still at school, had no support or suitable accommodation.
I'm sure it was a difficult time for everyone involved and what was thought best for the child at the time.

I can have an opinion like anyone else.
But op comes across as play mum when it suits her.
And her husband didn't sign up for it he new she had another child so yes he new what he was getting into.

Child over husband.