Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

I think this situation is a bit exceptional. It‘s special that DS still wants to live with his mum after missing out on the first 12 years.

I’m sure he’ll move out in time but if he contributes financially , is clean and polite what is the issue?

yes he’s 24 and it’s mumsnet so everyone has to be out the house the second they turn 18 🙄 but he didn’t live with mum (and I assume dad) for quite some time, I think it probably very much needed on his part to have that bond on living with you. I’d kick dh before I kicked ds out, he treats him different and constantly complains about him to you.

This, he is 24- his son or not his son, it's time to go and get on with his own life.

Don't agree with this Kanet 'Young people these days are in need of parental support for a long time.' - no they don't anymore than we did. Why?

He's got a job, he can join a flatshare and return for visits from time to time, regularly even. But living in, no.

This

"I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out."

Is there a middle ground here? I know my parents "encouraged" my siblings out at the time they felt he was ready - it's all part of parenting, setting them up to succeed without you. I understand the history is important and it might be very different for you, but you can absolutely be a great parent, love your son to bits and still be encouraging him to work towards live independently in his mid 20s. You can even argue that him "graduating" from the family home is a mark of success. It doesn't need to be instigated entirely by him, with no influence or encouragement from you, to count.

How can you avoid it being a stark choice between what your husband wants and what you want?

Does he contribute to the household- that includes looking after the place, taking a hand in laundry and cooking meals or is his contribution more like paying £20 keep a week? Is he a fully functional responsible adult or is he getting a very easy ride of it?

have you had a conversation with DS about his plans? my DD is 22 and currently lives at home, she desperatly wants to move out, but money and mortgage prices are stopping this at the moment. She is saving up to go, but at the moment she's still here.

i have no issue with her being here, and i tell all our children (we have 6 between us) that if there was ever an issue 'to come home'.

but not on a permanent basis.. until they get on their feet atleast.

if your DS has no intention of leaving home, and to be fair he's 24 years old, and most 24 years olds have flown the nest by now, but if his plan is to stay with you forever, then i think conversations need to be had.

Op, it sounds like you and your ds are both enjoying being a part of each other's everyday lives. It must be hard to think about giving it up when it has been hard won. Harder still when the issue is being forced by a dh who seems to have never extended the kind of warmth to him you feel he should have done.

Your DH should be happy for you, that you have been able to reconnect with your son and are building a relationship with him.

If he was any decent kind of man, he’d keep his thoughts to himself, rather than bitching about him behind his back. After all he is working and contributing, he is not smoking weed upstairs and gaming. I feel sorry for your DS. He hasn’t had a stable childhood, and now his mum’s husband wants him out. He’s not welcome in what should be his own home.

I had a SM who didn’t want me around. I only got to have a relationship with my dad when she died, when I was in my 50’s.

I have sons and I wouldn’t choose my DH over them.

Ask your husband if he will apply the same rule to the younger children!

Really disgraceful and uncaring attitude from your husband.

At the very least, out of consideration for his wife's child, he would let him stay.

I think your dh has to just get on with it

he knew you had a child when you got together he should be treating him as he treats his sons

you have both missed out on times together if he is happy living with you and you with him then keep it as it is

I would be telling husband that it was tough unless there is a bad reason he shouldn't be there.

Would he say the same about his actual kids?

You have a husband problem.
Many people live with family members in need ( for whatever reason financial or emotional etc.).

So
single parent with 2 children with sister and husband
widowed father with single daughter and married daughter and son in law and son in-law's widowed mother and nephew
widowed mother and 3 children with husband's widowed father

aunt and uncle with niece

Just a few of the many variations in our family.
If you and/or son see a need then the family adapts as caring grown ups.

I can’t believe people think your ds should move out !!! Jeeeesus.
Your dh is bu. Your son is your son always and your dh knew you had a son and a relationship with him therefore it’s hardly a surprise that you and him will always be together.
Your dh needs to accept that you are a mother to three children and forcing a separate from your eldest child to will never end well. Ever. Is that ok with you?

Except that if you so blatantly put the needs of your husband before your son, you may have no mother-son relationship in a few years time. Don’t think for a second your son isn’t aware of what your dh thinks of him. And to be frank, the fact that your dh insists on treating his own children one way, and your child another is a pretty sad commentary on his character. He doesn’t sound like someone who cares a great deal for the happiness of others, including yourself.

I wouldn't be kicking him out.

The damage from not living with his Mum for his childhood, and then being kicked out because your husband wants to concentrate on his kids, would be immeasurable.

There's not a chance I would be asking him to leave, and I would be willing to lose my dh over it too.

Umm it’s his home too - husband never to chill

tricky but ultimately, my DC would come first!

This by a country mile.

why wouldn't DH be able to chill? DS is a fully functioning adult and probably doesn't need an awful care from DH... 🤷

Any reason you didn't have him back when you married your DH? You obviously had a stable life then and were old enough

What I'm particular is your th complaining about?

Start saving his contributions, add to it if you can and let him know it's a fund for when he moves out. Your husband may be better if you say max two more years then there is an end in sight.

That’s what I was thinking- how sad for the young man.

Except that it’s not clear what dh has had enough of, besides being forced to reckon with the existence of his wife’s child by another man, who he very well knew existed when he agreed to marry her.

Put aside for a moment the notion of helping your son “grow up.” You need to help your husband grow up by telling him that your son comes first, and that you will not tolerate his constant whining every time your son leaves the room.

Otherwise, your son might feel you’ve once again decided to cast him aside, however justified it may have been when you were a teen mother. And worse, he might be right.