This school mum is really pissing me off now !!!

[bigca]

She's so judgemental I feel.

She came to my house for a play date with her child, before I really knew what she was like of course...

She pulled me up on a couple of things I said about my DD. I posted about it at the time. I think I said she can be a bit stubborn and she told me not to say it. A couple of other similar comments. She also went all out praising her child A LOT.

Anyway, I decided there and then that I will never have a play date again ( unless requested by my child of course ).

I continue to be polite, but she's really grating on me now. She's always saying she can't understand my DD.

Yesterday my DD said my name. She said ' my mummy's name is Amelia ' to which the lady was like: ' I thought your name is Emilia '. Or some minor BS. My DD says my name just fine, I responded and said ' it's Amelia ' just like she said. To which she said ' no she said Emilia. It sounded like Emilia '. ( names changed of course ). The long and short of it is that however my DD said it, is how my name is said, she was just being nit picky. She also told my DD off because my DD found a loud noise funny.

Then today she was again hanging around us and my DD said something else- to which the mum asked me again ' what did she say ? ' she keeps not being able to understand my child and it's pissing me off. My DD wasn't even talking to her.

We went on a school trip the other day and she was also there. She just kept picking up on small things and making fun of me not being able to look after my group. I had the youngest kids in my group and sometimes I had to herd them along a bit. She had fewer children in her group and thought she was nailing it compared to me, of course.

I get the feeling she judges my DD all the time now, especially because she keeps saying she doesn't understand what she's saying.

Anyway, she really pisses me off now and I keep having to see her around. I don't know how I'm going to shut her up. But I'm afraid one day I am just going to snap and be quite direct with her.

In my head it will go something like : ' sorry, do you realise how terribly judgemental you come across ? ' ' you're constantly making nasty comments about my parenting and also judging my child. Can you just back off ? '

I hope they're not in the same class next year. They're both only 4 and start reception in September.

"He's loving this now, to prove his point that I'm not careful enough and too open with people and apparently I can't pick the right people."

Who are the 'right people'?
Why is he loving seeing you upset?
It sounds like his main concern is that he is right and that you are wrong.

He is the unreasonable one here.

His attitude might have made you hyper sensitive to perceived criticism from others. His criticism is the real problem, not some random woman from the school who doesn't have much of a filter.

This woman sounds awful but you are not being unreasonable to invite her or others to your home just because one turned out to be a bit of a dick. Your dh sounds very controlling to be honest.

We objectively have a nice home. I’ve never had any issues with people visiting and we tend to get more than our fair share of kids here because we are the soft touches that will pick them all up after a night out.

Your home isn’t the issue and neither are you. You just met one bad egg, it happens. It’s not a reason to isolate yourself from the world.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here, the problems are so much bigger than this woman, it's actually what is going on at home that is the problem and I think the op is probably taking things to heart a lot more than she should do given the position she is in.

Is her name Amanda?

This has gone from a school mum problem to a husband problem!!

The thing is, whenever I will invite anyone- if they then turn out to be not so great, he'll always blame me for having made the wrong choice.
It's not a good situation and I'll need to have another talk with him. I'm not happy at all.

Regarding the woman and my perceives sensitivities to her behaviour- it's not my perception, she's just a dick. I've put up with it long enough now and seen it a lot of times, to know that she's simply a dick, who thinks she's a better mum and that she knows a lot about how to parent, because she's read a book about it.

That's it. There's nothing else to that. It's just how she is. I can tell she stops herself from going further too. She can't help herself. If she had her way entirely and didn't try to stop herself, it would be even more critical. She is also around 5 years older than me, only has one child. She really thinks she knows what she's doing, because her child is quite well behaved and calm.

Are you peeved that her child is calm and behaved and yours is not? You also mentioned that she praised her child a lot and you made a big point of this. I really am not sure that this lady is the problem here.

The fact he blames you (and is trying to use that to prevent you having guests and to make you question your judgement) what is worrying.

A normal and healthy reaction to your partner inviting a guest round who turns out not to be nice is to say “sounds like they are a dick,”, or perhaps even “sorry to hear they behaved like that, I hope you are feeling okay”. It would be reasonable to say “please don’t invite that particular person again” but massively unreasonable to say “you can’t invite anyone over again”.

@Beachballplayer no I'm not the problem here. No matter how you try to swing it.

She doesn't have manners. You just don't do what she does. I can excuse one comment, but it's gone way beyond that.

My DD is wonderful. She has amazing qualities, but I would never boast about her. It's bad form, in my opinion and it's not the kind of person I am or ever want to be.

I really don't care that the son seems well behaved, it means nothing. My DD is a good kid too.

But you want me to get defensive about it all, which is why you wrote that. It's pretty clear.

Interesting it started after she came round your house maybe your house is smaller than hers and she thinks she is better than you? Or maybe the other way around it's bigger than hers and she's jealous ?

Either way fuck her I'd avoid as much as possible and talk to other parents at drop off more often and when you do have to talk to her I wouldn't be overtly rude like people are suggesting on here with "oh fuck off dear" (although that would be hilarious 😂) but I can just imagine her milking that to make you look bad to everyone else. What I would do is fight snide comments with snide comments. Get imaginative with it haha

I don't want you to get defensive about anything, you wrote in caps about her praising her child a lot why is that a problem for you? You mentioned several times her child is well behaved and it means nothing but if it meant nothing you wouldn't say it. Please op for your own sake have a look within your relationship and sort that first then look at other problems later.

@bigca it’s much harder with 2 below a certain age than one so she probably hasn’t realised that. She is definitely overstepping and I’d politely say something if she carries on.

With regard to the house, your DH is being ridiculous. It’s down to the other parents to model good behaviour to their own kids. You don’t have a crystal ball so how could you know. You get jealous types from all walks of life, same as good and bad people. Him trying to shield DD excessively won’t help her.

That said, I would want to avoid too much drama with the other Mum because ideally you want to get past this crap and be able to get on. It would depend how many classes the school has for the intake but if more than one then perhaps a word with the school might help. As for the other Mum getting a job, arrgh, one of my neighbours had this issue with another Mum who did get the job and she was then even more of a problem. You have my sympathy, not that it is any help.

@Beachballplayer I think those things are key to the situation though. She thinks she's better because her child seems calmer in general. That's why she thinks she can make comments. That's why I've mentioned it. I haven't mentioned it because I think her child is better. He's not. He has a different temperament. It means nothing today. But she thinks it means she's the better parent. It's very clear.

I know I have problems in my relationship. But that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have opinions about other people outside of my relationship or that my opinions and perceptions are not valid.

Sorry I just read the updates so she is jealous of your house that sounds like a her problem and I wouldn't let it put you off having other families over.
I'd just avoid her as much as possible it's easy for people on here to say be firm and tell her to fuck off but she hasn't actually been overtly rude to you just snidy and I imagine she'd milk it if you actually cussed her out. I had a similar problem with a parent I used to wait with on the playground making snide comments/showing off and I rarely talk to them anymore and the stress is gone. It really is that simple

This is what immature adults do and you will come across it again and again whilst raising your children and in work situations. You need to be the adult here - don’t pander to it, act above it and place boundaries. If she insists upon being rude say: “thank you for sharing your opinion, that is not my opinion. I am showing you respect, and if you persist upon not showing me and my daughter the same respect then we are leaving/ walking away etc.
She thinks she’s still in the playground herself with the bullying behaviour. Her daughter will learn from her and your daughter will learn from how you handle it. So decide not to be a victim of it and be strong. Polite, firm but strong. It’s not easy but she will find someone else she perceives as weak if she finds you are not manipulable.

If course you can have opinions outside of your relationship, but the way your partner is could be.making you more sensitive and rather than thinking who gives a shit what she thinks your taking it all to heart. Just concentrate on your family and sorting your husband out then start looking at other issues. If you don't like the woman the stay away.

Just lean in and very very quietly, whisper in her ear 'Why don't you just fuck right off?'
Turn and slowly walk away.

Oh my gosh, OP, what a pain in the arse that woman is 😱Avoid, avoid, avoid her, anyway you can! Be standoffish with her, create distance. I personally wouldn't confront her (not my style), but if some day you snap around her, of course you are perfectly legitimized to do so! As PP have said, she's decided she can do this to you, so you don't own her any kind of manners!

I know what will happen if I confront her. She'll turn it around on me. That I'm too sensitive, that she means well. Etc etc. the usual !

😂I love this! I would never do it (I'm a coward 😂) but this sounds great 👏
You could also do something more Il Padrino: just smile and gently say something scary in between the lines 😂

You don't like her. That's fine. Keep your distance and try to stop giving her so much head space. She is really not your main problem. She's just a casual relationship and isn't really that important in your life. It's the big relationship in your life that seems to be doing a number on your self esteem.

Ohh, yes... she would definitely feed off the drama she creates! I know the kind... 😑

.She also told my DD off because my DD found a loud noise funny.

Was it a fart?

If so, I would also have found it funny.

This is good advice.

I also think, its easy for your OH to say .. "Oh you shouldn't have invited her, don't invite anyone else." He's not navigating the school gate and has zero experience of what it is like.

Dealing with primary school children and their parents is not easy.
On one hand you have been open and friendly to try to make good connections and friends for your DD so that she has a good experience at school. This is good parenting.
On the other hand, not everyone you meet has the same objective. If this mum was a date, I'd say she loved bombed you and is now negging you to establish her superiority. 😂
The correcting how you and your DD pronounce your own name is ridiculous! The whole car park thing, her singleton child is "trained" to run to the car park and stop. Why should that be the correct form of behaviour. Your DD isn't. That's what's right for you. You hang onto her in a car park. You have two children to keep an eye on. And then commenting on your DD walking around a car afterwards. She would drive me mad.

In your original post you've said things you might say to her if you snap. I think you should say them when you are calm, now. Don't let it get to a snap situation.
She will keep on pushing and pushing.. so I think you have to avoid as much as possible but also be ready with a civil shutdown every time.
"I can't hear what she's saying." - "youre not required to" in a firm, but calm and way.
Thanks for your opinion, but I've got this. (on repeat)
Please stop giving me parenting advice
Or even just eye roll and "You do you!"
Above all show her that it doesn't bother you in the slightest. She will soon tire of not getting any results.
Don't take the critiques of a person like this to heart. Have faith in yourself and if not then fake it till you make it.
Don''t get pressured into invites to things. You can always say. I'll check and get back to you.
Etc.

If you can get your DD in a different class do so.
I don't think you should let this person put you off reaching out to people. Your OH is nuts to suggest this. But perhaps pick more neutral territory like parks, cafes etc. I found my DC were always better behaved in the great outdoors where they could run about than in people's ornament filled sitting rooms.

Maybe its a good thing, you'll be able to spot a similarly minded person next time and you'll already have some good shut downs to nip it all in the bud.

You'll find friends there that you will click with.
Try to do lots of out of school activities with your DD, and make friends outside the school clique so it won't matter so much. It will give you a confidence that will help you avoid getting sucked into other peoples nonsense, because that's what it is nonsense. Hopefully she will learn that this is not a great way to behave and change her outlook.

It’s just pointless what is the point of saying it?