Bit out of order?

[parentfodder]

We have arranged to go see pil on Father's Day. We live an hour away.

Sil messaged to say she is planning to take pil out for a meal on Father's Day so let her know if we want to come. So basically we either go out for a meal or leave when they do?

Given pil had already arranged to see us I feel they shouldn't have accepted sils offer as they had plans. We will get there 11ish and I think they will do a late lunch so 2/3ish. We had intended to stay until 4ish.

It wouldn’t bother me. If you feel it’s not enough time, either get there earlier, or go out for lunch with them.

You weren’t going to eat between 1100-1600?

So go for lunch.

I'm guessing SIL wants to see her dad on Father's Day and if you're there 11am to 4pm that doesn't leave a huge window of time for them to see him.

If you get there at 11 and they're off out 3 or 4 hours later that sounds like a good time spent visiting with you and a nice meal with their daughter too, best of both worlds surely.

What were your plans between 11:00 and 16:00 other than just going there? Have they actually cancelled something with you to accommodate the meal or were you literally just going over to their house to wing it? Were you not going to eat? Or were you expecting to be fed? I imagine your PIL have assumed you guys will come to lunch too so they've just gone "cracking, a convenient way to fit everyone in".

SIL did the right thing. How did you expect to eat- PiL feed you? Off course they planned a nice lunch over lunch time, why is it bad to you op?

Go for lunch with them that’s a lovely idea. Surely you were planning to eat whilst there?

An hour is not a huge distance.

You said they would do lunch about 2.00ish. So I assume that is them buying food to feed you, cooking it and probably clearing up afterwards as you are leaving at 4.00.

Alternatively, SIL has offered to take them out.

If I was them, I know which option I would prefer.

So you were going to visit them for the day and expect them to make you lunch? Or were you going to cook for them at their house?

This is probably more about money and the cost of eating out.

It's always a balance with these things, and as others have said, you would have needed to eat something.

If it is cost, probably better to be upfront and say so. Maybe find a more budget friendly place to eat?

If ever I visit my parents, over an hour away, of course I expect them to feed me. And they want to, too. They also insist on clearing up too! It would also be an opportunity to see my brother, so if he had plans to do something with my parents that day, we'd adjust ours to fit in with him. My husband wouldn't see it as a problem. I quite like my brother.

They live on the same street as pil so would usually come round while we are there. They see them every day.

We would probably have lunch there as we do when they visit us for the day.

Spending time together,going for a walk with dogs and kids

Usually when we visit they cook or provide sandwiches etc but we clean up (regardless of day)

I'd go for the lunch with them, sounds lovely that you can all celebrate together and saves anyone cooking and cleaning up. No need for anyone to leave early or to decline invitation.

An hour isn't far away, we do that most weekends to see the PIL. Go for lunch together as a family, I'm sure your FIL would appreciate that more.

I’m sure it’ll be nice for them/him to be treated to a nice lunch with the family instead of cooking/hosting.

I also imagine they’d like to see their daughter too, and don’t see any problem with sharing the day with all of you together.

Perhaps consider what would make PIL happy in this situation instead of feeling slighted and making it all about you.

Ok, can you not still do that and then go out for lunch as a family post dog walk? That sounds really nice to me, unless you have a spectacularly poor relationship with your SIL.

I come from a huge family and sometimes compromises have to be made to fit everyone in on special occasions! I think a family dog walk followed by pub lunch is a pretty nice compromise!

good grief, they sound perfectly reasonable

Even after your updates I still don't see the huge problem.

Just go for lunch with everyone. All sorted. What a non-issue!

Maybe the OP can't afford to go for a meal.

Given pil had already arranged to see us I feel they shouldn't have accepted sils offer as they had plans.

I’m sure they would have turned down another offer from a friend/neighbour. But this is their DD and it’s “a day” (I don’t out a lot of store in them, but I know a lot of people do). And the danger of the approach you advocate is that it becomes a “first come, first served” approach. Wouldn’t you be upset, if, say, you tried to arrange Christmas plans and your PIL said “sorry - SIL has already asked us for the week, so can’t see you”. I think it was a nice compromise and SIL did ask you to come too, so there was no attempt to exclude you from the day.

I don’t get it. Everyone goes out for lunch. Sounds lovely.